Friday, August 11, 2006

Doctor, Doctor, Can't you see I'm Hatin, Hatin

…you are preparing to give me an echocardiogram and decide you need to shave my chest to look like the 40 yr old virgin. Great, now I have two bald patches on my chest, it looks amazing, I’m definitely going to the beach without shaving the rest of my chest, I definitely want to bring some girl home to see my bald spots and I definitely want to hate you.

…You are standing at the gary coleman urinal next to me in the bathroom and say “hi big boy”. Now, one might expect this while in a cheap disgusting rest stop somewhere along Route 66, but at my office? I don’t think this is kosher at all. Do you know realize the implications in you calling me big boy while my pants are open? I mean I appreciate the compliment and all, but I realize this is your form of saying “hey there chief” or “how goes it boss” or “have you hated me today”?

…You are my doctor that for whatever reason is doing one test at a time to find out what is wrong with me. Listen buddy, I’m coming next week, you’re doing everything and anything necessary to tell me what this is, so get comfortable, we’re going to be here a while before I stop hating you.

…You are the invisible elephant that is apparently standing on my chest. Can someone please fix this? Its been a two week long heart attack/throat cancer/pulmonary embolism/lung cancer/stroke/emphysema/aids/pneumonia/etc and that’s just the short list. I swear I won’t smoke anymore, no more maker’s, no more staying up until 7 in the morning, no more bad words, and no more hate.

…You are the internet that decided to put the absolute worst illness as the first hit for every minor symptom anyone could possibly have. Let’s see search fatigue, well obviously you have aids or some type of cancer, can’t be lack of sleep. Chest pain….yep heart attack, we’ll put strained muscle somewhere around 7362 on the list of possible ailments. Fainting, hmm that one is in reverse, that’s just dehydration. But hating you, that’s numero uno compadre.

…You feed my anxiety by telling me stories of all your unhealthy family and friends and how they died. Um, yeah, you aren’t helping me here. You see the idea is to take my mind off it, not perpetuate my chronic paranoia that I’m dying instead of hating you.

…You tell me it’s disgusting that I drink starbucks straight up. And yes I can call it straight up because it’s obviously not coffee, it’s crack. F straight up, I’m going for an IV of this shit and while you’re at it, give me another IV of whiskey. Hmmm, I think see I see a cause and effect of my trauma, coffee during the day to take me up and whiskey at night to bring me down, throw in a little over exercising, add a couple of cigarettes and then top it off with borderline anorexia and whamo, you’ve got hate.

…You are Joe Lieberman. You are so self serving that you are going to run as an independent because you lost the democratic primary. Face it. There’s no Joementum left. You are not wanted by the people you allegedly represent, by leaving the party, you are admitting that you are not a democrat, you are a traitor to your ideals. We all can see plainly how you morphed into a republican because you thought that would carry you in presidential primaries in New Hampshire, but a 3 way tie for third should have shown you otherwise. All you are doing is trying to keep your job, remember 2000 when you ran for VP, you were also running for your senate seat, you should have quit then, but no Joe, you wanted to hedge your bet, either way, you keep a job. And don’t tell me the dems needed you in CT then, your opponent was a convicted child molester, I could have run, but instead I have to hate you.

...You are Joe Lieberman that tried to tie his loss to a win for the terrorists. Are you F'n kidding me you little weasel? It's no fucking wonder you are DICK Cheney's favorite Democrat, that's because, you're no democrat. I honestly truly do not believe any terrorist is paying any attention to CT politics. Joe, you are so irrelevent that they don't give a shit, go back to putting labels on video games and keeping bad words out of movies, let the real leaders hate you.

...You are my doctor that has yet to call with the results from yesterday's echo test. Um yeah, is that a good sign or bad? Either it's not urgent so no big deal, or you have no idea what it is or you can't break the bad the news to me. It's like I left a message for some new girl I met and I'm just waiting and waiting and waiting for that call back, I'm pathetic and actually, I'm hated.

No comments: