Thursday, August 03, 2006

It's a Wonderful Hate

...You give me an EKG, tell me my heart is in excellant condition and then insist I come back the next day for an echocardiogram. Um, if it's in such excellant condition, why did you say my heart rate is low? Why are you insisting I come back tomorrow? Why does the left side of my body still hurt? Am I dying or am I hating?

...You have shit that smells so terrible, the odor creeps out into the office. Oh my god, did you eat farts and then shit them out? It smells like something died. There is no way such a foul odor should travel through the double door barricade of the men's room. There is no way I shouldn't hate you.

...You say to me, 'sure is hot out there huh'. Oh is it? I hadn't noticed when I walked into the subway and looked as though I just walked out of a pool. Hot out there? Naaahhh, what's 105 degrees and 100% humidity? That sounds like beach weather to me, unfortunately, it's only hate weather.

...You are about 15 feet behind me and are approaching the door to my apartment, knowing that I am such a kind individual, you see that I am holding the door for you, but instead of doing the obligatory courtesy half run you actually walk slower. Are you for real? Who do you think you are to assume I'll just stand here holding the door for you while you take your sweet ass time to get hated by me.

...You tell me the time in military time. I get it, Americans have to be different, 24 hours in a day should equate to 24 hours, not two sets of 12. Was it that Americans were so stupid we couldn't count past 12? Why wouldn't you simply say it's 1930 instead of 7:30? You want to know why? Because we're American and you're hated.

...You are proud that Americans don't use the metric system. Yes, yes the entire world uses the metric system except for us, the metric system which is so much easier to use and much more logical than saying, hey a foot, that was the size of some dude's foot so that's a measurement. An inch that was the size of your penis, so that's a measurement. 2 pints to a quart, but 4 quarts to gallon and only 1 hate to you.

...You are the fat asses that ride the train and deflate the seat cushions because they are designed to withstand up to only 200 pounds on a regular basis. Here we go Fatmerica, I can't even ride a train comfortably because you have to have that extra big mac every time you eat. Why am I the one getting EKGs while you walk three blocks and think that's enough exercise to be rewarded with a twinkie, in reality it's enough exercise to be rewarded with hate.

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