Monday, August 14, 2006

When Hate Met Sally

...You are in the freezer section of a supermarket trying to choose which ice cream flavor to stuff in your fat face and instead of looking through the transparent glass you have to open the freezer and stick your entire head in right up to each and every ben & jerry container. But you don't stop there, you then have to touch every single container, pick it up stick in your face and then just throw it back. Normal people on the other hand can look and not touch. I, on the other hand, look and then hate.

...You are incapable of making earphones that actually stay in your ear. Suddenly ear phones when from being 10 bucks to $99, thanks ipod, and suddenly they never stay in your ear. Is it so damn impossible to make a pair that will actually stay in my ear? I would gladly be the first to be experimented on to have tiny speakers implanted in my ears. You have your instructions, now go make them or go get hated.

...You are from the school of through that Beverly Hills 90210 was best abbreviated as Bev. Now we all know that Thursday night was 9-O night, then it later became Wednesday for "the college years". If you went around saying hey are watching Bev tonight, well then you know you were getting a look of disgust from me and of course a look of hate.

...You write a part in a movie where an "alien" or time travelor is posing an a normal everyday American, and when asked where they are from, you have them say France. It's not just the coneheads either, I've seen three terrible movies today and all three had some type of foreigner from France and all three had some type of hate from here.

...You walk into a bar, look around then get all excited and clap your hands in apparent anticipation of the night ahead. It was straight of out of Disney movie, only in a bar of derlics, but I haven't seen that kind of fake excitement since kids incorporrated. What was the cause of this excitement, that's what I'd like to know about it, there were maybe 3 girls there at that point and bunch of dudes in striped collar shirts and me hating you.

...You are laying out in your bikini and then decide to sit Indian style (can I say that?) not realizing that you have a massive camel toe for all to see. I'm not trying to get graphic here, but I swear at the center of the toe, it was wet. Now I'm sure there is a rational explanation for this, I mean it was hot out, perhaps it was sweat, perhaps it was a coincidental stain of some sort, perhaps it was the hate of you.

...You feed my recent panic attacks by telling me my body must be telling me something. Listen it's definately not right to have every muscle in my neck constrict at once and then feel like I swallowed an apple. I get that. Why the fuck can I not get past this? Why the fuck can I not hate you?

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