Monday, August 21, 2006

Why don't we get drunk and hate

...You are Enterprise rent-a-car and I go to pick up my RESERVED car and you tell me you have no cars other than a minivan. Am actually in a Seindfeld episode? Don't tell me you have an exciting car for me to see and then show me the minivan and say it's that or take a ride with me 30 minutes away to get a car that's still not what you reserved. Hmmm, I'm gonna throw you a curveball here, you give me your car for the weekend and you drive the minivan, how's that sound? NG? Right, because I hate you.

...You own a lesbian bakery/store that I enter to get a cup of coffee and give me more attitude than a strip club bouncer. Listen she man, I just want a cup of coffee, please, just pour it and let me pay. Oh I have to pour my own, but the cute girl doesn't, I get it, all those years of man hating has caused this man to hate you, oh how the tides have turned.

...You get married and think that your style and fashion sense freezes for the rest of eternity in that particular year. Say you were married in 1988, you still wear nut hugging acid wash jeans and concert T-shirts. Say you were married circa 1991, you are wearing white shorts with long sleeve shirts and air Jesus sandels. And let's say you are married in 2006, 10 years from now, you'll still be wearing my hate.

...You such a bad case of swass that it goes right through your shorts for all to see. Let's be clear on something, you know when you've got a case of swas, take care of this will you, go to a bathroom and pat it dry. Better yet take preventative measure and use baby wipes, it will save all a lot of hate.

...You make me do any activity that will cause me to get a case of the swalls. I don't want anyone to be responsible for me getting swalls other than me. At least I can take preventative measures, which oddly enough do not include the use of baby wipes. Swalls are strickly reserved for gym time, all day drinking in the sun and me hating you.

...You need to check urban dictionary to learn about swass and swalls. I'll save you the trouble for a hate. Swass: Sweaty Ass, derived from the term swamp ass. Swalls: well you get the picture. I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that I thought I thought of these words on my own, that I went to urban dictionary and found a litany of definitions or that I hate you?

...You pull up to a gas pump at the gas station, you sit in the car for no less than 15 minutes, then you decide to get out, hang out for 5 more minutes or so, then instead of pumping your gas, you go inside to buy some twinkies, then you come out and realize you have to pay first, then you go back in and pay, and then I finally get to hate you.

...You are talking to me on the phone, the conversation is basically over, but instead of just giving the "all right then", you say you have to go and will call right back. Hey I get it, phone calls are not meant to go one forever, in fact I could possibly be the absolute worst person to talk to on the phone because the entire time I'm just thinking of new ways to hate you.

No comments: