Wednesday, September 27, 2006

It puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hate again

…You are the Daily News that asked it’s readers what they hate about riding the subway and didn’t even have the decency to refer everyone to my blog. Um hello, I’ve dedicated the last year of my life to this topic. The tools sending in their emails saying, yeah I hate that, when what they should have been doing was reading the hate that’s been here for all to see. In honour of what initially inspired the hate, I bring you the greatest hates volume 1 – The subway years.

…You are running to the subway and get caught in the doors as they are closing and then give an embarrassed laugh when you finally make it. Your laugh then continues for the next five minutes of the ride. No, no this is not funny, you held up the subway, and now when I get to my connecting subway, it is just as the doors have closed, I will know that I missed my train because you just haaaaad to catch the last one, delaying me that crucial 15 seconds, which now has caused me to have to wait another 15 minutes for the Never train, get to work late, miss my meeting with the President of the company, get fired, then hate you.

…You are waiting for the subway doors to open and instead of waiting to the sides like a sane, rational human being, you decide to plant yourself directly in the middle of the opening doors, then as the wave people begin to pour out of the train, you try to fight you’re way in, like a salmon against the current trying to spawn. What is the rush with this fucknut? Does he need a seat that badly or is he really that stupid? The train is not going anywhere until those people are let off, so let them off and let you be hated.

…You enter the subway, it’s virtually empty, you then proceed to stop immediately upon entering the train, thereby creating a blocked passage way for the 2 dozen other people behind you. You are the only person in existence, that’s the only logical explanation I can come up to help me get inside that mentally disabled brain of yours. What drives a person to be either so selfish or so clueless to the presence of other human beings that they can’t manage the simple task of actually stepping into the train without getting completely and utterly hated?

…You are riding the subway and refuse to hold onto anything and then are shocked when you are jolted when the train moves. You think those are there for show or just the d├ęcor? No they are there for a purpose, unlike you, there is a reason for their existence, they are to be held, they prefer to be held firmly to ensure that lower species such as yourself, don’t fall when the object they are inside goes from a complete standstill to 50mph in 5 seconds, they are there so that the higher intellect, such as myself, can hate you.

…You are riding the subway and decide that this is just as good a time as any to start eating half a rotisserie chicken. It’s crowded, it smells, it’s hot and you just have to eat that chicken now, although I beg to differ because that “seat” is actually three seats and you can’t even seem to fit in that. Do your body a favor and try skipping that subway meal or try an apple instead licking every last pit of greasy fat juice from each finger. Do you have any idea what’s on those hands of yours? You just touched a metal pole that 10,000 other snot infested hands touched, you are truly a monument of my hate.

…You think riding the subway is a game of musical chairs. At every stop you insist upon finding a new seat, it’s not because some smelly person just sat next to you, no, not because there is a less cramped seat on the other side, no. No one knows the reason, I’ve studied this for years and have to make any headway. There’s 4 stops on my morning commute (yes I’m spoiled) at every stop, you are in a new seat each seemingly having no advantage over the other. There would be somewhat of an explanation if each seat brought you closer to the door, even though no seat is more than 5 seconds from any door, but that would prove some logic to this game, but you in fact move farther away from doors, but somehow move closer to my hate.

…You wear your sunglasses on the subway. I know too bright down here huh? Yeah, we get it, you’re cool, you want to be just like Paris and Nicole all smart and skinny right? It’s every father’s dream to have a daughter to grow up emulating them, but why are your sunglasses 5 inches wider than your face? Those look ridiculous, but not as ridiculous as you wearing sunglasses indoors and underground, in fact, that’s beyond ridiculous, it’s hated.

…You enter a subway car, there is no one else standing, other than me, but then you walk straight to me, standing right next to me as though you just came in from the cold and I’m a warm fireplace. You have the entire train car, even some open seats, but no, you had to come in for the real thing and stand right next to me, leaving me barely enough room to breathe and barely enough room to hate you.

…You are holding onto the center pole, but instead of allowing some distance between you and the pole, you have one leg wrapped around the bottom and are virtually humping it so that not one other person can hang on. If you are a hot woman at a strip club, then yes, please by all means swing upside down from the pole, make love to the pole, do whatever comes to mind, if I question whether or not you slept on the train last night, then no, you should not be swing from the pole, you should be making love to the pole, you only be hated.

…You are standing next to me on the subway, holding onto the overhead bar and your hand is positioned right next to my hand, where then the unthinkable happens and you are now touching my hand. When strangers hands touch, you immediately pull your hand back as though you just touched the stove, but you’re different, you go against the grain, you left your hand there, you allowed your hand to remain in contact with me for far too long, even when I did the throat clearing and dirty stare, you held your ground and then you held my hate.

…You are the self flagellating masturbator I’ve seen riding the subway on far too many an occasion. How can any self respecting homeless man pleasure/punish himself on public transportation? Somehow, moving between cars and drinking a coffee is illegal on the subway, yet pleasuring oneself is accepted? Well maybe not accepted, but tolerated? I can’t believe this man tapped me on the shoulder to move out of his way to get a better look at the girl with the big butt, at what point in society did we find that public masturbation was anything other than hated?

Friday, September 22, 2006

Hate against the machine

...You are wondering why I am hating today when just yesterday I said I needed more time. Well today I was inspired by completely stupid headlines on yahoo and so....

...You release a "study" stating that breast implants are linked to suicide. Oh really, you think the people that are happy with their appearance and themselves go out and get breast implants? Perhaps your "study" should look at suicidal women and see how many have or seriously considered getting breast implants, that's like having a study released stating that eating more is linked to obesity, or releasing a study that states those that get blogged are found to be hated.

...You release a study claiming that smoking is linked to increase risk of HIV. Ok geniuses, I can't believe we spend money on pointless research. Let's see who are most of the smokers? People that drink, people that drink tend to make some bad decisions, bad decisions while drinking tend to be unprotected sex, unprotected sex leads to higher risk of HIV, there's your damn study for you, start paying me for this "research" and I'll stop hating you.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Hate in Translation

...You can't wait until next week for a new dose of hate. Sometimes, people have other things to take care of, like intense psycho-therapy for one, and sometimes people just don't feel like sitting in front of a computer anymore and sometimes, albeit surprising, people just don't feel like hating you.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Some say hate, it is a river

...You are that dude from Counting Crows. Did this guy get breast implants in his face? How does that happen? How do you go from seemingly normal sized person to looking like you're saving acorns for winter? This is amazing and should be studied by medical science, but for now it will only be studied by my hate.

...You are selling spinach at a fraction of the price. I thought the country outlawed the sale of spinach last week and here you are trying to salvage the few pennies you'll lose. I just want to know how poopy got on spinach in the first place, don't people realize that e. coli is poop? Was someone pooping in the spinach bagging plant? Is popeye okay? Are you hated?

...You claim you have an IQ over 160. So let's say I know a couple hundred people, and then meet maybe another couple hundred randomly thoughout a year, how can I hear an unreasonably high number of people tell me their IQs are over 160? Can we settle something here, please? Online IQ tests are not real, everyone gets a 160, that's how they sell whatever it is they are selling, that's how I know you're IQ is no where near 160, and that's how I hate you.

...You sell headphones and knowing that no one makes any headphones that stay in your fucking ear, you don't allow people to open them and try them on. So I have to buy them, open them, try them on and then I can return them, yes? Can you please save me the trouble of having to return these things and let me open them? No? Okay, I'll take one of every set you have, I'll pay for them, then walk immediately to customer service I will try them on as I'm waiting in the 7 hour line of all the other people returning headphones and hating you.

...You hand me a funnell in a bar and are suprised when half of it falls out the top all over me. I'm twenty fucking nine years old, why am I doing funnels of beer in a bar on Houston street? Is this normal behaviour for a man my age? Should I be living in burbs, raising some kids, getting fat and getting hated by now?

...You are the piece of scrap paper that I wrote 7 great hates on while lying in bed trying to overcome insominia and then I unkowningly threw out. The world will be a less hated place without the joy of these magnificent 7, you must understand once I make a note of it on paper, it's immediately erased from brain until I read that 2 word reminder and instantly I can sit here and write about how much I hate you.

...You write the description of a food item on a menu and use etc. Um etc? I kinda need to know what's in this. A pita stuffed with tomato, lettuce, etc. etc. wow that really sells your product, etc sounds delish, please, I'll take 2. It's too bad that when I ordered me some etc. I found out it only consisted of hate for you.

...You spell words like u r a gangsta. So now speaking horribly has progressed to writing like you are 12. I's knows all da playa hatas out dare ain't gonna be diggin me fo dat, but pullease, stop dat shit befo I hate you.

...You are in the elevator and give the "have a goodnight" or "take it easy" before the door actually opens and I have to sit there in utter agony waiting and waiting and waiting for that door to open. That 3 seconds feels like an eternity, what goes through your head when you blow your load like that? Do you get out of the elevator, slap your forehead and say DAMN IT! I peaked to soon, I blew it and now I'm hated.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I can hate for miles and miles and miles

...You make and error in tennis then immediately after you look at your racquet then ever so delicately you adjust the strings. No it wasn't your strings that failed you, it was you that failed you. Accept that your game is slipping, accept that you missed the shot, accept that I hate you.

...You advertise a sleeping pill and say side affects include drowsiness. Really? I never would have expected a pill that makes you fall alseep to cause fucking drowsiness. Is this a serious side affect or a stupid joke or is the world really looking for a sleeping pill that doesn't actually make you fall you asleep, which I guess would be called cocaine or it would just be my hate for you.

...You are a man, a straight man, and you go for a mani and a pedi. Listen, straight men do not care about their cuticles, they don't care if their nails are long they don't care if they write blogs about hating straight men that get this done, yet are a straight man that knows about the entire process before he hates you.

...You go the movies and start eating popcorn and other "treats" as though you have never eaten before. Rather than eat one popcorn kernel at a time you eat a fist of popcorn at a time, and you can't seem to finish the keg of popcorn fast enough. What's your rush paco? Oh I see you need to leave enough time for the twizzlers, sno caps, m&ms and the nachos. How did nachos make it to the movies? I guess the same way Chinese food made it to baseball games and the same the hate made it to you.

...You get to the gym, you mount your cardio machine and then proceed to set up camp for 20 minutes before you even begin using it, all during peak hours. That 30 minute time limit includes set up time in my book. You are not the only person in the gym that wants to use that machine at 7, you see the line of 15 people hating you?

...You are my gym nemesis. You know who you are, you are the uglier, shorter version of me. I understand that being short has given you small man's complex and you try to mask it by being as wide as you are tall, I see you looking at my time, my speed, my resistence, distance, then you try to move those nubby little legs of yours to try and catch up. At least be discrete about it, I can see you that I'm older than you, I weigh less than you, I'm taller than you, I'm faster than you and I'm less hated than you, without you knowing it.

...You are waiting for the subway doors to open, you are on the outside, there is a herd of people waiting to exit the train on the inside. The doors open, but you don't try to enter the train, you don't even move, you just stand square in the center of the door thereby not allowing people (i.e. me) to exit the train and thereby causing people (i.e. me) to hate you.

...You are walking towards someone, say me for instance, the person you are walking towards is walking along a wall or the curb which is on that person's right hand side, someone obviously has to move and it should be you, seeing as all traffic moves on the right. But you are different, a maverick of sorts, you think somehow, you can get by between me and the wall, a feat that would even impress David Blaine, but you couldn't do it, you could only get hated.

...You are walking towards me directly in my path, you are shorter than me, but you do not yield to me. Perhaps you have no concept of the laws of human kind or perhaps your a fundamentalist rather than a darwinist. You are smaller than me, natural selection ese, you must move out of my way. Just because you are wearing an XXXXXXL t-shirt, a red yankees hat with a perfectly firm bill (is that what it's called) pulled down to your eyebrows, and walk with fake limp, doesn't mean you are tough, it means you are acting exactly like a suburbanite tool from my high school circa 1993, GET A FUCKING NEW STYLE, get out of my way and get hated.

...You walk down the stairs to a subway at a leisurely pace as if you hadn't a care in the world, even though the train doors are about to open and a sea of people are about to run you and by default, me, down. Asshole, pull your pants up and try walking at a normal pace, some of us are trying to get to work so we can start having anxiety attacks, and some of us are trying, quite unsuccessfully, to not hate you.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

All Hate and no play makes jack a dull boy

…You insist on inspecting the food that I’m eating. I’m baffled by people’s obsession with the food that I eat. Why do you care? Is this some way to alleviate the guilt of your eating garbage? You should feel more guilty after seeing what I eat. And no I put no brown sugar on my oatmeal, maybe if you ate it you would realize that oatmeal is brown too. Try staying away from the grease pit and I’ll try not hating you.

…You include on our cafeteria menu, “hot protein”. Ok, who’s writing this thing? I either have a disgustingly filthy mind or someone has a perverted sense of humor. I vote for the latter. What’s even better is the menu option and I quote “tossed salad hot protein” and right below, I shit you not, “Hot protein: jerk chicken”. So first you get a tossed salad, then you get some hot protein by way of jerk chicken and top that all off with some hating you.

…You are standing in front of me on the subway and instead of holding on with one hand like every physically able person does, you decide to hold on with two hands, but not normally, no you have to basically straddle me with one hand on either side of me, looking me directly in the eye. To make matters worse, there is plenty of room elsewhere on the train where you could easily stand and not be hated.

…You have an option on our cafeteria menu that says “steamed broccoli”*. Now you may question the asterisk as I did, but it includes a very important statement as a footnote *denotes meatless dish. Oh really, we’re not talking about chicken broccoli? What I really don’t understand is that absolutely nothing else on the menu includes the asterisk, so what is the point of it? I wish I could post the menu without risk of being fired so instead I have to blog the menu at the risk of you being hated.

…You walk down a flight of stairs exactly in the middle leaving no room on either side for other people to pass. While you may appear to be walking, you are in reality moving at such a slow pace that the old lady with a cane is actually huffing at your slowness. I am continually amazed at how slow people can be, how do ever get to where you’re going? You must have to leave hours in advance and you must have to be hated hours in advance.

…You are eating lobster and throwing around inadvertent innuendos like it’s candy. No, I do not need your nutcracker. I realize that the tail is the best part and that you like tail and you like a nice big tail. No I’m not much of a leg man so you can have these. By the way, I’m officially done with lobster thanks to the giant glob of jelly in mine and thanks to my hate of you.

…You are the help desk. I guess you don’t understand the term help, you’ve been anything but helpful. I shouldn’t be the one telling you how to do things, I’m pretty much computer illiterate and the best thing you’ve got is reboot. I’m so glad that we outsourced the help desk, because if you were in the US then I would have to hate you to your face.

…You send out the presentation, agenda or any kind of materials for a meeting before the meeting, then bring copies for everyone to the meeting. Is everyone missing the point or just me? You send it to people so they can print it themselves, if you plan on bringing the materials don’t F’n send it to me ahead of time, you know everyone will print it, why else would you be sending it. Now when it’s my meeting, I’m forced to send out the material ahead of time because everyone else does and then I’m forced to bring copies with me, because the one time I don’t, no one will print it and then I’ll have to hate you.

…You say “you’re the man” to someone at work because they did some fairly basic yet did it well. Here you go champ, here’s you’re gold sticker, you’re aces. I feel like I’m fucking 6 years old and just won the spelling bee because I could spell neighbor. Yeah, yippee, we all get chocolate sundaes with whipped cream and cherries on top. Congratulations you have just been hated because you’re the man.

Friday, September 08, 2006

They say it's your hateday.

...You walk 3 or more people across on the sidewalk. Apparently you three are the only three people walking and no one else needs to get by. Please feel free to walk slow and randomly stop without considering that someone may actually be walking behind you. You are the only people in existence in all of the world and no one needs to get past you other than my hate.

...You use the cardio machines at the gym during peak hours for more than 30 minutes even though there are signs posted everywhere with the time limit. I know you feel you are royalty and above some silly rule at a fitness club. Those 10 people waiting in line can keep on waiting because you need to get that extra 10 minutes in, after all, your time is more important than theirs and you are really working out hard while reading OK magazine, talking on your cell phone, watching E! and getting hated.

...You enter the subway before everyone has gotten off, not only do you do that, but you then proceed to stop in the entrance instead of walking to the back of the train. All signs of logic and common sense are missing from your brain, you think that if you walk into people head on, you will somehow get a better spot to stand on the train, but in the end you find out you only are a better hate on the train.

...You use corporate buzzwords at work. This doesn't make you sound more intelligent or "on the ball" it makes you sound like an idiot that can't think for yourself. You have been fully brainwashed by corporate America. You insist that you circle back rather than keep me on the same page, but at the end of the day, we'll both be kept in the loop and if I'm out of pocket, just hit me on the cell and I can shoot it to you in an email rather than us sit around all day brainstorming, which only results in diminishing returns and increasing HATE.

...You are Jesse Jackson and claim the word "refugee" is racist. You know there was a point in time when one could argue that you raised issues that needed to be discussed in national politics. Now, not so much. It's time for you to set off on your iceberg and stop showing up at every national controversy getting hated.

...You sit at work all day chewing the fat and then complain how busy you are and how your life is so hard. Yet you don't realize that you busy by no one's fault but your own. We don't need to hear about your cat's quadruple bypass surgery, I didn't ask for advice for this weekend's date and I don't want to give you the details. Seriously it's time to get your own life and stop living vicariously through your co workers. Some people actually do their work all day so they can leave at a normal hour. While I'm at it, when I get to work at 8:30 and leave by 6 PM don't give me the "half day" comment. Just because you showed up at 10 and didn't start work until after lunch, doesn't me I'm leaving early, it means I'm hating.

...You don't realize that today we celebrate the birth of the hate. It's hate's first birthday, they grow up so fast don't they? You also don't realize that today's hate is a revamped version of the original. There will be some exciting new hate for the year to come and in various formats. Look for the I hate you if T-shirts, hatecasts - not to be confused with podcasts, and if my anxiety ever subsides, the first live stage performance of hating you.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Hate is in the air

...You drive a car that has one working headlight. So tell me Assfuck, are you a motorcycle or a car? You obviously know your headlight is out, get it fixed, it's simple. And don't tell me you can't afford it, if you can spend $80 to fill up that behemoth of an automobile than you can spend a few bucks to fill up on my hate.

...You drive a car that has one headlight on permanent highbeam. How the fuck does this happen and how do you manage to have the headlight angled directly into my eye. It's as though you have switch that you flip that says "aim directly ar driver's face". Well listen here you grundle licker, I have a switch that says "aim hate directly at you".

...You operate under the school of thought that punctuation goes inside the quotes. Here's the rule and I don't care if it's proper or not, although I believe it's the Queen's English, not Americano, don't know how that happened but it did, and here's the rule: When the full sentence is quoted, punctuation goes inside, when you are quoting within the confines of a sentence, quotes go outside. Example. "When I type full sentences of hate, the punctuation goes inside the quotes." or He was reading my email and saw that my punctuation was atrocious and said "I hate you".

...You masturbate on mass transit. I may have hated this before but the topic often comes up as many people have experiences such happenings. It's unbelievable that this happens so often, public transportation is not your personal pleasuredome, especially if I'm on the train. As bad as it is to have your genitalia out for the world to see, but you are not allowed to ask me to move out of the way so you can get a better view of the girl with the big ass. Yes it's nice, but do like the rest of us do, commit that to the bank and then hate.

...You are the hot bartender that I'm borderline stalking. So I hung out at your bar 3 days in a row, I think you're hot and I don't care that you're a lesbian. Note: I know for a fact she's a lesbian and not just feeding some line to get me to leave her alone. Why must you continue to encourage my behavior, pouring me shots all night, challenging me to funnell races, am I 19 again, why am I doing funnells, in a bar, with hot lesbian bartender, with a fist full of money and fist full of hate.

...You are a hot lesbian bartender. I just can't say enough about the hot lesbian bartender, I'm smitten I guess or perhaps I secretly know that this is the ultimate impossibility and want her even more. She's perfect, one, she's a bartender so she flirts with everyone, I'm not that special. Two, she's a lesbian, she's has zero interest in what I have. Three, she probably only dates non white girls, the trifecta for the man afraid of committment. But why are you so hot, why are you so lesbian and why are you so hated.

...You are the guy at work that pees next to me and for whatever reason has to spit into the urinal to pee. So are we on the same pee schedule or something, everytime I'm in here, you're standing at the gary coleman urinal, I walk in to the grown up urinal, then you spit and attempt to pee, then you leave without washing your hands and then I hate while washing my hands.

..You are a guitarist in a video and have a cigarette in the strings of your guitar. You are so cool man, I mean look at you, you smoke AND you play guitar. Well actually, no you aren't even smoking it, you just leave it in the strings as though it were some kind of air freshener rather than some kind of hate.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

An apple a day keeps the hate away

...You create a special at a restaurant in the vain of "neverending", "all you can eat", or "limitless". You know a lot of people need limits to help curb those primal instincts. We no longer have to gorge ourselves when we come across food, there's no fear that you can't eat tomorrow. Try eating a normal portion and I'll hating someone other than you.

...You wear a dry fit shirt to watch tennis. Dude, you're not actually playing the game here, it's about 65 degrees, you ain't sweating, you look ridiculous. You're definately the guy that gears up in spandex to ride a bike even though you are no where near a competition, but you are very near to my hate.

...You see an enormous line, walk all the way to the front to investigate that this is in fact a line and not a random act of 50 people deciding to stand single file right in front of the bathroom. Yes go investigate, then get right behind me in line and get hated.

...You are standing at the end of a line and being the hater that I am, assume you are the last person in line, in which case I stand behind you. You then say to me, oh I'm not in line. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK why are you standing in line then? What type of person are you? Do you sit on the toilet and not shit? Do you order food and not eat it? Do you do go to the movies and not watch a movie? Do you meet me and not get hated?

...You don't appreciate the made for karaoke videos that play in the background at karaoke bars. In an attempt to meet asian women, scratch that, I mean in an attempt to hone my stage skills, I went to Karaoke and saw the most wonderful enactment of livin a prayer. I mean this video actually showed Tommy working at the docks, and gina...oh gina, she was working the dinner all day and me, oh me, I was hating all night.

...You keep pouring me shots whenever you make them for someone else. Listen woman, you are hot, yes, but stop trying to get me completely and utterly inebriated is this amusing to you? The worst part is that I'm without a doubt going to keep drinking these shots and the fact that it's three days later and I'm still drunk doesn't bother me one bit, but the fact that it's three days later and I still hate you bothers me a lot.