Sunday, September 10, 2006

All Hate and no play makes jack a dull boy

…You insist on inspecting the food that I’m eating. I’m baffled by people’s obsession with the food that I eat. Why do you care? Is this some way to alleviate the guilt of your eating garbage? You should feel more guilty after seeing what I eat. And no I put no brown sugar on my oatmeal, maybe if you ate it you would realize that oatmeal is brown too. Try staying away from the grease pit and I’ll try not hating you.

…You include on our cafeteria menu, “hot protein”. Ok, who’s writing this thing? I either have a disgustingly filthy mind or someone has a perverted sense of humor. I vote for the latter. What’s even better is the menu option and I quote “tossed salad hot protein” and right below, I shit you not, “Hot protein: jerk chicken”. So first you get a tossed salad, then you get some hot protein by way of jerk chicken and top that all off with some hating you.

…You are standing in front of me on the subway and instead of holding on with one hand like every physically able person does, you decide to hold on with two hands, but not normally, no you have to basically straddle me with one hand on either side of me, looking me directly in the eye. To make matters worse, there is plenty of room elsewhere on the train where you could easily stand and not be hated.

…You have an option on our cafeteria menu that says “steamed broccoli”*. Now you may question the asterisk as I did, but it includes a very important statement as a footnote *denotes meatless dish. Oh really, we’re not talking about chicken broccoli? What I really don’t understand is that absolutely nothing else on the menu includes the asterisk, so what is the point of it? I wish I could post the menu without risk of being fired so instead I have to blog the menu at the risk of you being hated.

…You walk down a flight of stairs exactly in the middle leaving no room on either side for other people to pass. While you may appear to be walking, you are in reality moving at such a slow pace that the old lady with a cane is actually huffing at your slowness. I am continually amazed at how slow people can be, how do ever get to where you’re going? You must have to leave hours in advance and you must have to be hated hours in advance.

…You are eating lobster and throwing around inadvertent innuendos like it’s candy. No, I do not need your nutcracker. I realize that the tail is the best part and that you like tail and you like a nice big tail. No I’m not much of a leg man so you can have these. By the way, I’m officially done with lobster thanks to the giant glob of jelly in mine and thanks to my hate of you.

…You are the help desk. I guess you don’t understand the term help, you’ve been anything but helpful. I shouldn’t be the one telling you how to do things, I’m pretty much computer illiterate and the best thing you’ve got is reboot. I’m so glad that we outsourced the help desk, because if you were in the US then I would have to hate you to your face.

…You send out the presentation, agenda or any kind of materials for a meeting before the meeting, then bring copies for everyone to the meeting. Is everyone missing the point or just me? You send it to people so they can print it themselves, if you plan on bringing the materials don’t F’n send it to me ahead of time, you know everyone will print it, why else would you be sending it. Now when it’s my meeting, I’m forced to send out the material ahead of time because everyone else does and then I’m forced to bring copies with me, because the one time I don’t, no one will print it and then I’ll have to hate you.

…You say “you’re the man” to someone at work because they did some fairly basic yet did it well. Here you go champ, here’s you’re gold sticker, you’re aces. I feel like I’m fucking 6 years old and just won the spelling bee because I could spell neighbor. Yeah, yippee, we all get chocolate sundaes with whipped cream and cherries on top. Congratulations you have just been hated because you’re the man.


surly girl said...

i quite like you.

Doofi said...

You're aces in my book surly girl...

cory said...

Yeah, the help desk guy is always a fraud. And they're always so irritated that you've asked for help, because you've interrupted them during that really important game of solitaire