Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I can hate for miles and miles and miles

...You make and error in tennis then immediately after you look at your racquet then ever so delicately you adjust the strings. No it wasn't your strings that failed you, it was you that failed you. Accept that your game is slipping, accept that you missed the shot, accept that I hate you.

...You advertise a sleeping pill and say side affects include drowsiness. Really? I never would have expected a pill that makes you fall alseep to cause fucking drowsiness. Is this a serious side affect or a stupid joke or is the world really looking for a sleeping pill that doesn't actually make you fall you asleep, which I guess would be called cocaine or it would just be my hate for you.

...You are a man, a straight man, and you go for a mani and a pedi. Listen, straight men do not care about their cuticles, they don't care if their nails are long they don't care if they write blogs about hating straight men that get this done, yet are a straight man that knows about the entire process before he hates you.

...You go the movies and start eating popcorn and other "treats" as though you have never eaten before. Rather than eat one popcorn kernel at a time you eat a fist of popcorn at a time, and you can't seem to finish the keg of popcorn fast enough. What's your rush paco? Oh I see you need to leave enough time for the twizzlers, sno caps, m&ms and the nachos. How did nachos make it to the movies? I guess the same way Chinese food made it to baseball games and the same the hate made it to you.

...You get to the gym, you mount your cardio machine and then proceed to set up camp for 20 minutes before you even begin using it, all during peak hours. That 30 minute time limit includes set up time in my book. You are not the only person in the gym that wants to use that machine at 7, you see the line of 15 people hating you?

...You are my gym nemesis. You know who you are, you are the uglier, shorter version of me. I understand that being short has given you small man's complex and you try to mask it by being as wide as you are tall, I see you looking at my time, my speed, my resistence, distance, then you try to move those nubby little legs of yours to try and catch up. At least be discrete about it, I can see you that I'm older than you, I weigh less than you, I'm taller than you, I'm faster than you and I'm less hated than you, without you knowing it.

...You are waiting for the subway doors to open, you are on the outside, there is a herd of people waiting to exit the train on the inside. The doors open, but you don't try to enter the train, you don't even move, you just stand square in the center of the door thereby not allowing people (i.e. me) to exit the train and thereby causing people (i.e. me) to hate you.

...You are walking towards someone, say me for instance, the person you are walking towards is walking along a wall or the curb which is on that person's right hand side, someone obviously has to move and it should be you, seeing as all traffic moves on the right. But you are different, a maverick of sorts, you think somehow, you can get by between me and the wall, a feat that would even impress David Blaine, but you couldn't do it, you could only get hated.

...You are walking towards me directly in my path, you are shorter than me, but you do not yield to me. Perhaps you have no concept of the laws of human kind or perhaps your a fundamentalist rather than a darwinist. You are smaller than me, natural selection ese, you must move out of my way. Just because you are wearing an XXXXXXL t-shirt, a red yankees hat with a perfectly firm bill (is that what it's called) pulled down to your eyebrows, and walk with fake limp, doesn't mean you are tough, it means you are acting exactly like a suburbanite tool from my high school circa 1993, GET A FUCKING NEW STYLE, get out of my way and get hated.

...You walk down the stairs to a subway at a leisurely pace as if you hadn't a care in the world, even though the train doors are about to open and a sea of people are about to run you and by default, me, down. Asshole, pull your pants up and try walking at a normal pace, some of us are trying to get to work so we can start having anxiety attacks, and some of us are trying, quite unsuccessfully, to not hate you.


Bubaloo said...

f'ing tennis players who can't accept the game has passed them by or worse, they were probably never very good but they figure that if they keep playing with new people and saying "oh, I haven't played in years" someone might infer they were good at one time.
But really they were never good.

Anonymous said...

That second paragragh from the end is so true. At lease you know that person still makes $8 an hour, that little loser. He saved a month for that pathetic look.

Doofi said...

that's kind of like when I say I haven't played golf in years, so excuse me if I suck. Well there's a reason i haven't played in years and that's because I suck.