Wednesday, September 27, 2006

It puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hate again

…You are the Daily News that asked it’s readers what they hate about riding the subway and didn’t even have the decency to refer everyone to my blog. Um hello, I’ve dedicated the last year of my life to this topic. The tools sending in their emails saying, yeah I hate that, when what they should have been doing was reading the hate that’s been here for all to see. In honour of what initially inspired the hate, I bring you the greatest hates volume 1 – The subway years.

…You are running to the subway and get caught in the doors as they are closing and then give an embarrassed laugh when you finally make it. Your laugh then continues for the next five minutes of the ride. No, no this is not funny, you held up the subway, and now when I get to my connecting subway, it is just as the doors have closed, I will know that I missed my train because you just haaaaad to catch the last one, delaying me that crucial 15 seconds, which now has caused me to have to wait another 15 minutes for the Never train, get to work late, miss my meeting with the President of the company, get fired, then hate you.

…You are waiting for the subway doors to open and instead of waiting to the sides like a sane, rational human being, you decide to plant yourself directly in the middle of the opening doors, then as the wave people begin to pour out of the train, you try to fight you’re way in, like a salmon against the current trying to spawn. What is the rush with this fucknut? Does he need a seat that badly or is he really that stupid? The train is not going anywhere until those people are let off, so let them off and let you be hated.

…You enter the subway, it’s virtually empty, you then proceed to stop immediately upon entering the train, thereby creating a blocked passage way for the 2 dozen other people behind you. You are the only person in existence, that’s the only logical explanation I can come up to help me get inside that mentally disabled brain of yours. What drives a person to be either so selfish or so clueless to the presence of other human beings that they can’t manage the simple task of actually stepping into the train without getting completely and utterly hated?

…You are riding the subway and refuse to hold onto anything and then are shocked when you are jolted when the train moves. You think those are there for show or just the décor? No they are there for a purpose, unlike you, there is a reason for their existence, they are to be held, they prefer to be held firmly to ensure that lower species such as yourself, don’t fall when the object they are inside goes from a complete standstill to 50mph in 5 seconds, they are there so that the higher intellect, such as myself, can hate you.

…You are riding the subway and decide that this is just as good a time as any to start eating half a rotisserie chicken. It’s crowded, it smells, it’s hot and you just have to eat that chicken now, although I beg to differ because that “seat” is actually three seats and you can’t even seem to fit in that. Do your body a favor and try skipping that subway meal or try an apple instead licking every last pit of greasy fat juice from each finger. Do you have any idea what’s on those hands of yours? You just touched a metal pole that 10,000 other snot infested hands touched, you are truly a monument of my hate.

…You think riding the subway is a game of musical chairs. At every stop you insist upon finding a new seat, it’s not because some smelly person just sat next to you, no, not because there is a less cramped seat on the other side, no. No one knows the reason, I’ve studied this for years and have to make any headway. There’s 4 stops on my morning commute (yes I’m spoiled) at every stop, you are in a new seat each seemingly having no advantage over the other. There would be somewhat of an explanation if each seat brought you closer to the door, even though no seat is more than 5 seconds from any door, but that would prove some logic to this game, but you in fact move farther away from doors, but somehow move closer to my hate.

…You wear your sunglasses on the subway. I know too bright down here huh? Yeah, we get it, you’re cool, you want to be just like Paris and Nicole all smart and skinny right? It’s every father’s dream to have a daughter to grow up emulating them, but why are your sunglasses 5 inches wider than your face? Those look ridiculous, but not as ridiculous as you wearing sunglasses indoors and underground, in fact, that’s beyond ridiculous, it’s hated.

…You enter a subway car, there is no one else standing, other than me, but then you walk straight to me, standing right next to me as though you just came in from the cold and I’m a warm fireplace. You have the entire train car, even some open seats, but no, you had to come in for the real thing and stand right next to me, leaving me barely enough room to breathe and barely enough room to hate you.

…You are holding onto the center pole, but instead of allowing some distance between you and the pole, you have one leg wrapped around the bottom and are virtually humping it so that not one other person can hang on. If you are a hot woman at a strip club, then yes, please by all means swing upside down from the pole, make love to the pole, do whatever comes to mind, if I question whether or not you slept on the train last night, then no, you should not be swing from the pole, you should be making love to the pole, you only be hated.

…You are standing next to me on the subway, holding onto the overhead bar and your hand is positioned right next to my hand, where then the unthinkable happens and you are now touching my hand. When strangers hands touch, you immediately pull your hand back as though you just touched the stove, but you’re different, you go against the grain, you left your hand there, you allowed your hand to remain in contact with me for far too long, even when I did the throat clearing and dirty stare, you held your ground and then you held my hate.

…You are the self flagellating masturbator I’ve seen riding the subway on far too many an occasion. How can any self respecting homeless man pleasure/punish himself on public transportation? Somehow, moving between cars and drinking a coffee is illegal on the subway, yet pleasuring oneself is accepted? Well maybe not accepted, but tolerated? I can’t believe this man tapped me on the shoulder to move out of his way to get a better look at the girl with the big butt, at what point in society did we find that public masturbation was anything other than hated?

1 comment:

doc said...

I hate you if... you're walking down the stairs in front of me to the subway platform and you see a bunch of people start to walk up coming the other way, yet you don't change your pace at all. Here's a clue, they just got off the train, that train is going to leave if you don't get your clueless ass in gear. If it leaves, that means I'm stuck here with only you and my hate.