Monday, September 18, 2006

Some say hate, it is a river

...You are that dude from Counting Crows. Did this guy get breast implants in his face? How does that happen? How do you go from seemingly normal sized person to looking like you're saving acorns for winter? This is amazing and should be studied by medical science, but for now it will only be studied by my hate.

...You are selling spinach at a fraction of the price. I thought the country outlawed the sale of spinach last week and here you are trying to salvage the few pennies you'll lose. I just want to know how poopy got on spinach in the first place, don't people realize that e. coli is poop? Was someone pooping in the spinach bagging plant? Is popeye okay? Are you hated?

...You claim you have an IQ over 160. So let's say I know a couple hundred people, and then meet maybe another couple hundred randomly thoughout a year, how can I hear an unreasonably high number of people tell me their IQs are over 160? Can we settle something here, please? Online IQ tests are not real, everyone gets a 160, that's how they sell whatever it is they are selling, that's how I know you're IQ is no where near 160, and that's how I hate you.

...You sell headphones and knowing that no one makes any headphones that stay in your fucking ear, you don't allow people to open them and try them on. So I have to buy them, open them, try them on and then I can return them, yes? Can you please save me the trouble of having to return these things and let me open them? No? Okay, I'll take one of every set you have, I'll pay for them, then walk immediately to customer service I will try them on as I'm waiting in the 7 hour line of all the other people returning headphones and hating you.

...You hand me a funnell in a bar and are suprised when half of it falls out the top all over me. I'm twenty fucking nine years old, why am I doing funnels of beer in a bar on Houston street? Is this normal behaviour for a man my age? Should I be living in burbs, raising some kids, getting fat and getting hated by now?

...You are the piece of scrap paper that I wrote 7 great hates on while lying in bed trying to overcome insominia and then I unkowningly threw out. The world will be a less hated place without the joy of these magnificent 7, you must understand once I make a note of it on paper, it's immediately erased from brain until I read that 2 word reminder and instantly I can sit here and write about how much I hate you.

...You write the description of a food item on a menu and use etc. Um etc? I kinda need to know what's in this. A pita stuffed with tomato, lettuce, etc. etc. wow that really sells your product, etc sounds delish, please, I'll take 2. It's too bad that when I ordered me some etc. I found out it only consisted of hate for you.

...You spell words like u r a gangsta. So now speaking horribly has progressed to writing like you are 12. I's knows all da playa hatas out dare ain't gonna be diggin me fo dat, but pullease, stop dat shit befo I hate you.

...You are in the elevator and give the "have a goodnight" or "take it easy" before the door actually opens and I have to sit there in utter agony waiting and waiting and waiting for that door to open. That 3 seconds feels like an eternity, what goes through your head when you blow your load like that? Do you get out of the elevator, slap your forehead and say DAMN IT! I peaked to soon, I blew it and now I'm hated.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That last one was really funny. I did that the other night and the proceeded to get out at the wrong floor.