Friday, September 08, 2006

They say it's your hateday.

...You walk 3 or more people across on the sidewalk. Apparently you three are the only three people walking and no one else needs to get by. Please feel free to walk slow and randomly stop without considering that someone may actually be walking behind you. You are the only people in existence in all of the world and no one needs to get past you other than my hate.

...You use the cardio machines at the gym during peak hours for more than 30 minutes even though there are signs posted everywhere with the time limit. I know you feel you are royalty and above some silly rule at a fitness club. Those 10 people waiting in line can keep on waiting because you need to get that extra 10 minutes in, after all, your time is more important than theirs and you are really working out hard while reading OK magazine, talking on your cell phone, watching E! and getting hated.

...You enter the subway before everyone has gotten off, not only do you do that, but you then proceed to stop in the entrance instead of walking to the back of the train. All signs of logic and common sense are missing from your brain, you think that if you walk into people head on, you will somehow get a better spot to stand on the train, but in the end you find out you only are a better hate on the train.

...You use corporate buzzwords at work. This doesn't make you sound more intelligent or "on the ball" it makes you sound like an idiot that can't think for yourself. You have been fully brainwashed by corporate America. You insist that you circle back rather than keep me on the same page, but at the end of the day, we'll both be kept in the loop and if I'm out of pocket, just hit me on the cell and I can shoot it to you in an email rather than us sit around all day brainstorming, which only results in diminishing returns and increasing HATE.

...You are Jesse Jackson and claim the word "refugee" is racist. You know there was a point in time when one could argue that you raised issues that needed to be discussed in national politics. Now, not so much. It's time for you to set off on your iceberg and stop showing up at every national controversy getting hated.

...You sit at work all day chewing the fat and then complain how busy you are and how your life is so hard. Yet you don't realize that you busy by no one's fault but your own. We don't need to hear about your cat's quadruple bypass surgery, I didn't ask for advice for this weekend's date and I don't want to give you the details. Seriously it's time to get your own life and stop living vicariously through your co workers. Some people actually do their work all day so they can leave at a normal hour. While I'm at it, when I get to work at 8:30 and leave by 6 PM don't give me the "half day" comment. Just because you showed up at 10 and didn't start work until after lunch, doesn't me I'm leaving early, it means I'm hating.

...You don't realize that today we celebrate the birth of the hate. It's hate's first birthday, they grow up so fast don't they? You also don't realize that today's hate is a revamped version of the original. There will be some exciting new hate for the year to come and in various formats. Look for the I hate you if T-shirts, hatecasts - not to be confused with podcasts, and if my anxiety ever subsides, the first live stage performance of hating you.

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