Monday, October 02, 2006

Good things come to those who hate

...You are still writing checks. Let's see how can I make my life more complicated, well I could write checks and have to show two forms of ID, physically write out the check and hold up an entire line of people that have graduated from the school of common sense. I plea, no insist, that there is one line for people still living in 1952 that use cash and checks and let all the other people use cards so they can get on with their life and hate you.

...You have some kind of "discount" or "membership" card and give some a tag that has to go on a key chain. Do you think people enjoy carrying around a rolodex on their key chains? This massive wad is supposed to fit in my pocket? My hate is supposed to fit on this blog?

...You are in a supermarket purchasing three carriages of groceries, you stand there watching the cashier ring up your 30 cans of cat food doing absolutely nothing to move the process along by bagging your own fucking groceries. Nope, you can't possible lift a finger can you? You might burn some of the 18 million calories you just purchased and you might actually avoid my hate.

...You send a wedding invitation and can't simply just put the time, but have to write is some type of pseduo old English. We request your presence at the church at thirty minutes past the hour that is two hours after fourteen hundred hours on the first saturday after the first full moon after the twenty first of the month May in the two thousand and sixth year after the birth of my hate of you.

...You roll into your local starbucks and order a tall coffee in venti cup. Well no, then what you want is a venti from which you will pour out half and fill the rest of your cup with heavy cream and 27 sugars. You don't get to just make up your own rules, but I get to make up my own hate here.

...You are in the 10 items or less line and think 40 cans of catfood counts as 1 item. I realize you live along with 10 cats, haven't had sex since you got drunk in college, pay for your food with checks or count out the exact change so you can use your pennies, but what you are also doing is holding me up and since I am the center of the universe, you are also getting hated.

...You are introduced to someone, you meet you say hello, you have a dreadful conversation, then you proceed to see each other another 5 or 6 times, each time being introduced and each time you saying you have met this person. No you haven't just met someone for the 6th time, you can only meet someone once, but you can be hated several, several times.

...You are at an ATM, you are for whatever reason filling something out, making deposits and withdrawals and whatever else annoying people do, but rather than complete your paper work which is apparently more complicated than a tax return, you do this right at the ATM so the 7 people waiting in line to get cash for the bar next door have to stand around thinking about how much they hate you.

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