Thursday, October 12, 2006

Hatin it up in an Elevator

…You think that sending some email to the daily news about subways is an adequate way to vent your frustration, but little did you know that subways are only the tip of the iceberg, there is hate to be found in any venue, some come one and come all to the greatest hates volume 2 – The Elevator Years.

…You are waiting to go up in an elevator, the light indicates that an elevator has arrived going in the direction of – up. You then take half a step into the elevator and ask is this going up? No it isn’t, we’ve rewired the entire building’s elevator system so that up means down and down means up, but then sometimes we switch it back, just to keep you on your toes. Is there a place where the elevator arrows just aren’t enough assurance that it’s going in the right direction that you feel compelled to ask before entering and where I am compelled to hate you?

…You approach an elevator bank, you see that the button has been pushed, you then approach and push again because apparently when I pushed the button, it didn’t work, but now that you’re here, we can rest assured knowing that you played an integral role in the elevator’s arrival. What’s worse is when you repeatedly push the button, then the elevator opens seconds later and you give a smug look of accomplishment as though you really did cause the elevator to open earlier than it would have if I was standing there hating you.

…You enter an elevator as soon as the doors open, before those on the elevator have a chance to get off. Who the fuck are you to think you are the only person in existence, do you really think this elevator is your own personal lifting device? Is it really worth the bum rush to get on the elevator before it empties? You know what happens next don’t you? Everyone, myself included, pushes you back out and then hates you.

…You enter an elevator, realize you forgot something, then proceed to announce to everyone that you forgot something and have to go back. You don’t necessarily even say it out loud to everyone, but you say it in a loud whisper, loud enough for everyone else to hear, but soft enough for you to think that you really just talking to yourself. Then you have to overdramatize your disappointment with yourself in how you could possibly forget something. I get it, it happens people forget things then have to go back, wouldn’t you rather keep everyone else guessing as to why this person is going back up when they just got to the lobby? Would you rather not get hated?

…You enter an elevator, ride all the way to the bottom, then don’t get off the elevator. What’s wrong with you? Do you just enjoy riding the elevator up and down? Does this lifting device amaze you that much that you just can’t seem to keep yourself from riding up and down out of fascination for this wonderful invention that’s only 150 years old? Or did you forget something and not do the just loud enough whisper to let everyone else in the elevator know that you forgot something and won’t be getting out and will be getting hated?

…You are in an elevator with your best girlfriend and other people and decide to have a conversation. Not just a barely audible conversation that people have when they are in public, not just a normal decibal conversation that people have all the time, no, you insist on speaking above levels of conversation that would be heard on airplane runways. You shout, and you are standing right next to me with your poopy breathe mouth right next to my face and your poopy looking face right next to my hate.

…You enter an elevator without paying attention to the direction (see up or down) and then realize after three stops that it is going in the opposite direction, you then ask in half question, half statement tone, oh this is going up? No dipshit, it’s going down but the numbers go in reverse order in this building, maybe you didn’t notice, 38, 39, 40, here we are at the lobby and here we are at my hate.

…You step into an elevator and see that I am the only person in it, standing in the back righthand corner, yet you walk in straight to the back and proceed to stand right next to me. So you’re that guy huh? You stand next to people to invade their personal space on purpose, you think it’s funny? Well how about this? Next time you are peeing, I’m going to stand at the urinal next to you and tell you that I like your watch. Then when you are allegedly washing your hands, I’m going to use the same sink as you at the same time. Then when you are leaving the building and about to enter the elevator, I’m going to hate you.

No comments: