Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I walk through the valley of the shadows of hate

...You have a mole that has a 2 inch hair growing from it. I don't understand how you can manager to shave your whole face, yet somehow you allow that one hair to grow beyond your chin. You have to notice this, there is no way you stand in front of the mirror and miss this a long hair hanging off your face and miss my hate of your face.

...You see that I have food in my teeth and you don't say anything. Apparently you prefer to look at people with a piece of lettuce on their front tooth and then you like to see them smile so it looks like they have rotten teeth. Better yet, when it's chocolate and the person looks like they've just eaten poop. Better still when it's you and it looks like hate.

...You work at starbucks and ask my name then when my drink is ready you scream my name at the top of your lungs with smile from ear to ear. Why are you so happy to call out people's names? There's only me and one other person here, I think you can lay off the name calling because if you can remember who had the venti ice coffee and who grande triple mocha frappa fat free decaf ice cappicino with a shot of expresso then you need to take my next order of hate.

...You pull your pants up past your belly button. I think back in the early Sinatra days circa 1925 this was popular, then in the early 80's there was a bit of resurgence with revenge of nerds and then the last time it was arguably acceptable was with the Z cavariche's, but in any era, at any time, it's unacceptable. Picture a woman wearing pants pulled up to just below her breasts, then look at her ass, that's right you can't fucking see it, there's back, literally a back that extends from her shoulders all the way down to my hate.

...You make toilet paper so thin that you can only tear off the paper, one sheet at a time. Why do they make these sheets a 2 by 2 square? Is anyone really using just one sheet? Remind me not to shake their hand. One sheet should be about 2 feet long, that way, I'd only have to use 5 at a time. In fact, why are we still using toilet paper at all? Wet wipes my friends, wet wipes. I'm on a mission to convert this world to wet wipes, you get mud on your hands, do you then wipe off your hands with a dry piece of paper? No of course not, and that's just mud. No wonder why we have poopy in our spinach and no wonder why we have my hate in you.

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