Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Professor Plum, in the billiards room with my HATE

...You do not understand the need for my suburban survival pack that I must bring whenever my travels bring me up to the burbs. What is this suburban survival pack you ask? Well allow me to elaborate. This pack contains very useful and necessary items such as:

- a baby gift, because everyone in the burbs is having kids, you might as well be prepared.

- a dog leash, because everyone has a dog and sometimes you have to work off the room and board for the weekend by doing chores

- a bottle of bug spray, because people in the burbs love to drink outside in the woods, where every mosquito and tick seems to find me

- a bottle of fine wine because people in the burbs seem to buy a new house every two years so chances are, you'll need a housewarming gift

- a bag of starbucks because they are not on every corner in the burbs, you may actually go 10 minutes without running into one, so you are forced to brew your own

- a list of 5 people from whom you can borrow a car, preferred customer cards from several car rental companies to go on your key chain and as a last resort a jimmy to break into a car because apparently people in the burbs have yet to discover the amazing human ability of WALKING

- a bottle of Xanax, because when you make the journey up the burbs, you kind of feel guilty if you don't stop by to see your parents and the only way to get through that event is to be sedated

- a sweatshirt that is a size too small. In the burbs the proper attire is old faded sweatshirt where the sleeves don't quite make it to your wrist and of course you must have on gap jeans. This is what people wear, I can't explain it, but I can follow the rules

- an update on Women's basketball. No one in the world cares about women's basketball, unless you are in the burbs of CT and you might as well read up on it, because you'll be stuck in several hour long discussions on this very topic

- a direct link to ihateyouif because as it suggests....

2 comments:

Mrs. Tricky said...

I embrace the Suburban Survival Kit and am proud to be one of your adoptive parents in the burbs. Good times...good weekend...good hate.

elvira black said...

Doofi, I'm so glad to see you're still hating after all these years (ok, months). I can relate to the suburban hate all too well. Hate on!