Friday, November 03, 2006

Her name is Rio and she dances by my hate

…You are in an ATM vestibule, you see me fumbling through cards to try and open the magic door, yet you refuse to simply open the door for me. Do you think I really don’t have an ATM card and I’m somehow scamming you into opening the door so that once it’s open I’ll what? rob you of the $40 you just took got? Not to mention it’s broad daylight and there 3 other people fumbling through their pockets looking for their cards trying not to hate you.

…You are talking or giving some kind of lecture and get the little white spittle on the sides of your mouth, then you don’t wipe it off. Why are you foaming at the mouth? I don’t know about anyone else, but if I feel even the slightest bit of frothiness I have the common decency to TCB. When you finally do take the half of second to wipe it off, do me, nay, do us ALL a favor and don’t fling across the room leaving the probable chance that it will make direct contact with skin and direct contact with my hate.

…You are a bicycle delivery guy. You only appear the moment I step off the curb into the street as though you emerged out of thin air. You give a warning sign that mimics the sounds of a pleasant bird, but you, you are not pleasant. You are moving at speeds that challenge the sound barrier, yet somehow manage to carry 7 bags in each arm and a pizza box all the while being hated by me.

…You are driving and see that a person is in the crosswalk with a don’t walk sign and then speed up. So let’s get this straight, you are driving along at a normal pace, you see someone 300 feet ahead of you that will easily make it across the street if only you can maintain the same speed, as would be expected. Instead, you have the genius idea to speed up so that the person barely makes it across. Well, you really showed that person. I mean how dare they attempt to “disrespect” you by walking across the street, it’s time you teach them a lesson with attempted murder and my attempted hate.

…You are too good to take the subway and must take cabs everywhere. What’s the matter you can’t go underground for a few minutes and stand next to the “common folk”? One of them might look at you after all and we wouldn’t want that would we, certainly not. Only the privileged are allowed to look at you or be in your presence, but everyone can certainly hate you.

…You honk your horn in standstill traffic. Hmmm, we’re not moving, how can I get everyone to move because my life is so much more important than anyone else’s. I have an idea, I’ve seen this before, it never seems to work, but I think in this case it just might. I’ll lean on my horn so that everyone in a three block radius can hear. Then when I’m done, I’ll honk it some more and then when 5 minutes have passed and we haven’t moved, I’ll get hated.

...You have an alarm for your car. If there is anything more unnecessary or wasteful on this planet, it’s a car alarm. The first thing a car thief does is disable the alarm, it does absolutely nothing. The only time the alarm even goes off is when someone stands within 3 feet of your car, because apparently now you own the space around car, that’s yours because your 1995 Nissan needs to be protected and my hate needs to be given.


Anonymous said...

This was very funny. Up there with the very best hates yet.

Doofi said...

Sometimes a little patience between hates pays off...