Friday, November 17, 2006

An Inconvenient Hate

…You are announced as the new secretary of defense and touted to have an amazing photographic memory, then upon giving your acceptance speech you proceed to take your written speech and read it. If by photographic memory you mean, capable of reading a piece of paper, well then yes of course you have great memory, and so do I and does every other person on the planet because reading is not memory, but hating is you.

…You have a new girlfriend or boyfriend and suddenly you are no where to be found. Oh so when you’re single everyone is your best friend because you have nothing better to do. But now, now you’re suddenly too good for everyone else, you cut yourself off, who needs to be bothered with keeping in touch with friends now. then 3 months go by and your single again, now you call and now you’re hated.

…You see someone in the hall or elevator and tell them you just emailed them. I think they’ll figure that out when they get back to their computer and see that you sent a pointless email that says, I’m going to call you in 10 minutes. Then 10 minutes go by and the person calls you and says, I’m sending you an email about such and such. So now you’ve stopped me in the hall to tell me you emailed me to tell me you are calling me in 10 minutes to tell me you are going to email me and then read the content of the email. You really missed the whole point technological advances, yet something tells me you will not miss the point of my hate.

…You read my blog then steal my ideas and write articles for NY newspapers with all the same ideas. You have to be stealing my ideas, I mean this blog soooo original that no one else could ever possibly think of hating the exact same thing. There’s only 8 million people in this city, realistically what are the odds, not very good I might say. And realistically, what are the odds I hate you? Very good I might say.

…You are a hipster on the L train coming in from the burg and are reading Bukowski, wearing an army green jacket, messed up hair with a two day old beard and have gone 3 days without showering. Could you be any more cliché? Yes actually you can by wearing black chuck taylors. You are no longer creative or original when you look like every other emo 20 something whose life is just so hard and tragic because you over analyze every little detail of your self indulgent life and every little detail of my hate.

…You issue a number for waiting in line at saaaay, the DMV, the number you issue is 763 and you are now serving number 4. Why are you still even open? You are giving a false sense of hope to the 761 Mexicans waiting in line. And why is everyone at the DMV Mexican? I have no problem with Mexicans, but they are disproportionately represented every time I’m there wasting away my youth just to have my picture taken and just to hate you.

…You are waiting for your number to be called at the DMV and you wait until the next number is called to finally go up to the counter. So you’re number 4, they call number 4, you sit, they call number 4, you sit, they call number 4 you sit. Frustrated, they move on, they call number 5, I go to the counter, then you come up and say, I’m number 4 you called number. I’m sorry lady but when they call your number for 5 minutes, and you don’t show up, well your window has passed and my hate has started.

…You are an old lady and smell like moth balls. I think someone stored you in the attic or basement all summer along with a bag of moth balls. I’m wondering if moth balls are still even in existence and where you managed to find such items. Has technology not advanced enough to rid the world of moth balls forever? Have you not advanced enough to rid the world of my hate?


doc said...

10 days of waiting. I thought maybe you forgot how to hate.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, what is with old ladies smelling like moth balls, anyway? I've never understood that, yet never thought to comment on it, either.

Doofi said...

Boy neets girl, Boy gets all stary eyed, boy finds it hard to hate. It's an age old tale.

The old ladies are actually stored with the moth balls, it's the fountain of youth.

elvira black said...

I've been spending the past hour catching up on your hate. You are as brilliant as ever, doofi--you are still the genius of hate!