Friday, December 29, 2006

The Hate is back in town

…You ask me to bring you something I’ve been working on for you to review and get an update. I diligently drop this by your office. You decide to look at it tomorrow at which point you ask me to bring you what I’ve been working on for you to review. Is this fucking groundhog day? Why is your life so much more important than mine that you can’t bother to keep two pieces of paper on your desk? Perhaps you would like me to bring you something else I’ve been working on for review, it’s called my hate of you.

…You send me a calendar as a Christmas gift. Wow, another calendar, well thank you for such a thoughtful gift, no one has ever sent me a calendar with their company logo before, how personal. It’s times like these that we really cherish our friends and colleagues, I mean to take the time to add my name and address to your company’s holiday gift mailing list, really means more than you could ever know and I hate you more than you could ever know.

…You postpone a meeting with me but wait until I show up at your office to tell me because you are apparently just too important for me. Why even schedule a meeting at all? You tell me you want to meet, I say okay when, you tell me to get on your calendar with your assistant, I say okay, I schedule for 10AM, I show up, you say you are just too busy to make time for 15 minute meeting, I say okay, you tell me to come back at noon, even though I’ll be ravenously starving, I say okay, at noon you tell me you will come by my office when you have time, I say okay, you show up at my office as I’m shutting down my computer at 6, I say I hate you.

…You talk about an old person as though he’s not in the room when in reality he’s sitting right next to you. They may have some of the same requirements as a 2 year old, such as diaper changing and drooling, but the old folks can still hear you and still understand what you are saying. It doesn’t do you any good to spell things out, they’re old, not illiterate. Maybe I’ll start spelling things out so you can’t understand, I-H-A-T-E-Y-O-U.

…You use words like obsequiously. Yeah we get, you went to law school, look at you, you’re so smart with your smarty talk. Well this ain’t the LSAT, this ain’t law school, this ain’t “a motion”, but this is certainly hate.

…You are in a store and need assistance, you see me and ask if I can help you. Do I look like I work here? I guess you didn’t notice when I was standing right next to you and asked the person that actually does work there to check to see if they have something for me? I guess when I first told you that I don’t work there didn’t quite sink in either because you asked me 3 more times. Ok yes, now I do work here and now I hate you here.

…You are a 20 year guy that works in Victoria’s Secret. Why do you know so much about bras? If you were gay, I would maybe understand, but you look like an idiot teen-ager with acne, yet your knowledge of women’s brassieres is remarkable. At what point do you say to yourself, I want to sell bras? Wait a minute, I think you found a loophole in the system and I think you just found a loophole in my hate.

…You are running for a bus when you are about 20 feet from the bus stop and the bus hasn’t even gotten there yet. Did you miss the 10 other people waiting at the stop? You must be afraid it’s just going to keep on going ignoring the route and schedule. I guess the other bus directly behind it wasn’t enough assurance that you would get on one of them, but it was enough assurance that you would get on my hate.

…You claim that the average wait time between trains on the subway is less than 5 minutes. That apparently does not apply to any subway trains I’ve ever taken which seem to require 15 minute waits. The average time isn’t exactly an indicator of realistic waits, for whatever reason 4 trains will come one immediately after another with less than 20 seconds of wait time, then as soon as I get there, 30 minutes go by for the next one. Take the average of the 5 wait times and you get less than 5 minutes and then you get my hate.

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