Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Hate is the house; hate is in your mouth

…You are on the subway towards the middle of the train as people are exiting, you remain where you are until the last person has exited the train, then in that split second before people bum rush for the one open seat, you decide to move right up front to the entrance thereby blocking everyone from getting on the train. It’s a pole position to exit the train at the next stop, not even the current stop. This will then save a total of half of one second, that extra half second could total about 3 extra minutes a year. Think about what you can do with that extra three minutes. How about this? Logon to www.ihateyouif.blogspot.com, read today’s post and see that you are hated

…You have a name that starts with L or M or N. I guess you just don’t really want me to call you do you? I mean that extra 10 seconds it takes me to scroll to find your name is so crucial in determining if I should call you or if I should just simply hate you.

…You dial into a conference call 20 minutes late after a 19 minutes rambling by one of the participants. You then wait until the entire call is over another 20 minutes later, then ask to recap the first half of the call which somehow now takes 25 minutes because we’ve spent the additional 5 minutes hating you.

…You say you want to tag team something. Note how I have said something, not someone. The phrase tag team brings one thing to mind and it has nothing to do with work. Perhaps my mind is so deep in the gutter, but people please, stop using words that represent a dirty, yet elusive, act, then and only then will I stop hating you.

…You are under the age of decrepit old lady and are using a basket with wheels to carry your groceries, your laundry, your purse or even an empty basket. Is it really that difficult to carry two bags? Try functioning like an actual human being and I try hating you.

…You enter the bathroom, wash your hands, then proceed to a stall where you blow your nose. Next you return to the sink to wash your hands, just in case, then return to the very same stall, this time to build your crow’s nest. Your crow’s nest, however, is different than conventional wisdom would have us believe, you crumple paper into little balls, 7 to be exact, you then strategically place them around the seat of the stall, placing 3 paper seat thingys (yes that is the technical term) over the balls of paper as if to create a cushion for your fat ass that hangs over the sides. Once the nest is fully secure, you return to the sink for another wash. After your wash, it’s back to the stall for some dirty work. 45 minutes later, you emerge from stall after having given 3 flushes to ole poop catcher. You wash your hands, dry them, then grab 4 paper towels to act as a hand condom protecting you from my hate as you open the door.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

what'd you do, follow the guy into the bathroom stall? how do you get that level of detail about what someone else is doing in the bathroom stall?!?!?!

Anonymous said...

He probably left his nest in-place for everyone to see; a sign of his being there, like the pyramids. Some guys are more mundane, simply leaving their crap on the stall walls to mark territory.

Anonymous said...

Wow, that is truly scary. i would think though that leaving the creepy potty nest there would elicit an extra dose of hate.

Doofi said...

If you saw this guy walking by your office no less than 37 times a day with his tie over his shoulder as if to announce to the world, Hey it's time for me to crap, you would also begin an 8 month investigation into what exactly goes down in there. I suspected either some type of elaborate pooping or self flagellation, thank it was the former.