Sunday, January 29, 2006

Legends of the Hate

...You park your car and leave about 1 foot over the line into another space. Thank you, no seriously thank you. There is no better joy in this world than to see an open parking spot, drive up to it, attempt to park only to realize that your SUV is taking up two spots. I also like that on the other side of you between you and the next spot, you have left 3 feet of open space. You have made my day, because now I can hate you.

...You are riding the bus and stand in a cluster of four people at the very front so that no one can pass to get to the back where there are all open seats. I don't condone using the bus under most circumstances, but when the subway is shut down for sole purpose of pissing me off, well then I have to use the bus. Then I get on to said bus and have you standing in your fortified blocade against additional passengers, I didn't not realize that the royal family was also riding the bus, you expect me to obey, but no, it will be you who bows to my hate.

...You are driving 55 in the fast lane. Yes I know you are going the speed limit, technically you are doing nothing wrong. But you have been alive for the past 40 years right? You have been in these 4 wheeled machines we call cars, you understand the social order of things right? Left lane = fast lane. Left lane going slow = My hate for you.

...You take my order for delivery then question my phone number. You see about 5 or so years ago, everyone on the face of planet got cell phones, within that five years, people moved, but get this, it's tricky so pay attention, they kept the same cell phone number. Weird I know, but it did happen. So if I'm in NY calling from a 203 number, don't question me and say you mean 212 right? NO I mean hate.

...You make shoelaces unnecessarily long. I really don't understand this phenomenom, I feel like I'm 9 years old with extra wide florescent orange shoelaces on my roos with the zipper pocket for my key or a quarter. Are people really using all this additional lace on their sneakers? I'm really surprised some rich white guy hasn't thought about the cost savings involved if they only made the laces shorter, but then again, they want to remain hated by me.

...You come up to me at a bar to card me after I've already had two drinks. I'm just not following your logic at all, but go right ahead and card me, I'll go right ahead and hate you.

...You are riding the subway with a gigantic instrument strapped to your back. I don't know what that is, a cello an old fashioned bass, whatever it is, it's become an extension of your being, yet somehow, you refused to compensate for the additional space needed. Everytime you turn around, that thing hits someone and knocks them over. You stand in front of the subway door and are annoyed that the train is stalled, not realizing that it's completely your fault because your hump back is blocking the doors from closing and keeping me hating you.

Monday, January 23, 2006

The hate after tomorrow

...You say you are going to tell your parents about my hate. So when we were kids you were always the mole, somehow my parents knew every bad thing I was up to because they had an insider working for them. Why would you tell your parents everything? You know they are telling mine no less than 2 days later and now you want to make me relive those uncomfortable moments when my parents realize that I'm not a perfect, sane and rational person, but instead am an obnoxious egotistical hater.

...You are a restaurant and serve shrimp with the tails on them. When was it that all the chefs of the world decided to band together to annoy me? Is it that hard to take those little tails off? It's kind of disgusting that they are even left on in the first place, but then I have to go digging through my meal tearing off the tails myself and hating you all the while.

...You deliver me food and give me a menu with my order. Um yeah, I already ordered from you, I have your menu, get it? I mean I am capable of many supernatural tricks, water to wine - no problem, but guessing menu items is not one of them, so give another menu so this blasphemous prick can hate you.

...You take me to knick game and tell me I was invited because no one else could go. Do you impress all your clients this way? Is that how flatter people by telling them they are shit? You shouldn't walk around with a chip on your shoulder because you look like fred flinstone, I did once work for you, but now I pay your bills so pucker up and starting getting hated.

...You are standing on the corner of 14th and first and ask me where 14th and first is. It's called a street sign, try looking up. How did you get this far in the first place, you obviously started somewhere and that somewhere obviously had an address, maybe you don't know how to count, but if you start on 3rd ave and then walk past 2nd ave, the next street is going to be me hating you.

...You are all of my neighbors that feel the need to let their doors slam shut. How does this not bother you? I can't watch TV without hearing 41 doors slam shut every hour, and by the way why are going in and out of doors so much, I'm on couch duty here trying to control my alcohol withdrawal and you are obssessed with slamming doors and geting hated.

...You are my insane neighbor that screams for 10 minutes straight every 20 minutes. Screaming, ok, but the screeching? You sound like a pubescent 12 year old boy trying to raise his voice. And to outdo yourself, you bang something against the wall. What are you doing in there? Why do you insist on being hated by me?

Sunday, January 22, 2006

The way we hate

...You get into an elevator that's going down, look at the buttons, see that the lobby button as been pressed and then proceed to press it again. That's it go ahead press it again because that will get us to the lobby extra fast. Of course it won't, but it will get you hated extra fast.

...You are a cougar trying to get me to take you home. So you were really weird, you wouldn't leave me alone and you're eastern european. I know you wanted me to take you to my apartment so you could rob me, I get it. But I was wise to your tricks and only took you to my hate.

...You are alone at a bar and say you are meeting people but they never show up. You're not fooling anyone with this scam. Oh you are waiting for "friends" are you? Well let me introdue you to my friends, that's I, this is Hate, and this is You.

...You own doggy steps. If you're anything like me, you are laying around hung over on a Sunday afternoon wondering why your hands won't stop shaking and then you see on TV a commercial for doggy steps and wonder what happened in the world that I sit in an office all day and someone is out there actually making money from selling a ladder for dogs. If you support such chicanery, know that I hate you.

...You are my suppermarket that refuses to have any consistency in the products you carry. One week you have dannon yogurt, next week you have yoplait, the next week only the nonfat. Somedays you decide to sell chicken, or I can go everyday for two weeks and not see any. Now I see chicken I have to buy all of it and store it my freezer because I never no when I'm going to be able to get more. While I'm stocking up on chicken, you'll be stocking up on Hate.

...You are a cell phone company. So I sign my life away for 2 years at a time and you then give me a phone for 20 bucks, ok fair. I lose the phone and suddenly I owe $400 to buy it back. Nice racket you got going here, I know what you're doing. You hire people to go out and steal everyone's phone, then you sell it back to us for ridiculous amounts of money, then and only then, do we buy the insurance from which point on, mysteriously, no one ever loses their phone. Has anyone ever NOT lost a phone? Does that last sentence make ANY sense? Do I NOT hate you?

...You are THAT Guy. Do I even need to elaborate on this one? We've all been there, sitting at the end of the bar you're eyes barely open ordering shots for 7 people you never met and having the ugliest girl you've ever seen deflect your advances. You are THAT guy and you are hated.

...You tell me you are are some kind of chef extrodinaire and claim you'll invite me over for dinner, 6 weeks go by and still no invite, you know who are, you make the food, I'll bring the booze, but until then, I bring the hate.

...You like a band because no one knows them, then they get famous and suddenly you hate them. It's okay if other people like it, you don't lose cool points for liking something other people have heard of, but you will gain hate points.

...You are having a conversation with me on my couch at about 430 in the morning and stop paticipating in the conversation and I go on and on for 20 minutes with no response only to realize you are passed out. Um yeah try snoring or something to let me know you're out cold because I can talk for hours but someone needs to be listening, otherwise, I'm just hating.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

The Hate of Dorian Gray

...You are some crazy eastern European chick. It's as though all the planets were in alignment and I actually met an eastern european chick out at a bar. You know, we get it, Americans are arrogant, we're rude, we're bad tourists, we think we own the planet, but why does that mean you should have vaseline all over face. Imagine the look of horror when I saw you in the light and realized I needed to hate.

...You wear sweatpants. Scratch that...you own sweatpants. This is the lowest form of clothing possible. I'm not sitting here pretending to be some fashion connoseaur, but sweatpants? seriously? really? Life isn't that bad, but I do hate you.

...You seet me at a restaurant with other people at my table. What's the deal with that gigantic Henry VIII table by the way? How about you take out the 27 person table and replace it with 5 normal tables so I don't have to sit with weird eavesdropping people to hate.

...You use a men's restroom at a place of business and destroy it. I'm not even talking about actually using it, I'm talking about walking into the men's room and seeing it completely destroyed, paper all over the floor, urinals uinflushed, toilets unflushed, crow's nests still in tact. I actually had to use a stall and couldn't because all five were not flushed and god forbid I flush it, you're an adult here, flush your own damn toilet and wipe your own ass before I hate you.

...You walk around the office with your tie over your shoulder. Um yeah, its obvious you just destroyed the men's room, no need to advertise it. Please tell me you washed your hands of my hate.

...You actually like today's blog. It sucks yes, I get it. I had a lot of whiskey last night, my mouth tastes like a rat crawled in there and died. I smell like a cross between gasoline and alcohol, don't ask, but whatever I'm just waiting it out to my next hate.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Ain't Nothing But A 'G Hate

...You proceed to “explain” the entire menu at a restaurant when I ask you if there are any specials. You see, I asked if there are specials, you said no, but our specialties are blha blah blah. Let me explain. Specials are things NOT on the menu that only you can tell me, most restaurants do have them. Specialties are things that ARE on the menu that you claim to be your best items. Get it, if I want the specialty, I’ll ask but now, now I’ve lost my apetite and will only have some hate.

...You claim to have been abducted by aliens. I will explain this one time, plain and simple, you were never abducted nor has anyone else. You were simply given a roofi or ether or something, blacked out and then were anally raped. I think the aliens would gain all the knowledge they need from one anal probing, there is no need to return for more and more, they do however, return to hate you.

...You are the MTA and program the metro card machines to work on your terms. Yeah a train is pulling in, please swipe again, train’s doors are still open, please swipe again, I’m trying to catch the train, please hate again.

...You are walking home and are about 4 avenues away and see me who lives close to you and insist on speaking to me. Why did you do that? I was minding my business listening to my ipod, checking out all the NYU girls on the way home and you, you had go and throw that all away. We’re acquaintances, get it? I don’t have enough to say to you for 4 avenues, that’s a good ten minutes maybe more if the lights aren’t timed in my favor, I don’t want to hear about your job, your boyfriend or lack thereof all I want to do is hate.

...You come by my office at 5:30 and tell me its late and time for me to go home. Um yeah, I don’t know you, I don’t work with or for you so why are you saying this to me? Contrary to you, I actually have work and I actually, as heartbreaking as it is to say, have sold out and am trying to make some coin but all the while I'm still trying to make some hate.

...You are the DMV. Yes how cliché to hate the DMV, but must the entire experience be as cliché as hating it? Why does everyone else there have pages and pages and pages of paperwork, 17 forms of ID, all I want is my damn license renewed. When o when are they going to come to their idiotic senses and have a separate line for license renewals, a separate line for registrations a separate line for hating you.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

The Hate of Kahn

...You use a tissue to pick your nose. You are not fooling anyone here Ringo. Just because you place a thin barrier between your long finger nailed finger, doesn't mean it snot a pick. Your finger is two knuckles deep for crying out loud. I'm not by any means condoning the public pick, after all you need to put it somewhere, where you will then be hated.

...You are on an airplane and someone behind you is constantly kicking your seat and instead of saying something you give a peek between the two seats. If you didn't "recline" your seat then my knees wouldn't hit your seat every time I take a breathe, what advantage do you get by that "recline" anyway? But then the little peek behind between the two seats, I look up and see an eye with a look of death in it, apparently you didn't notice my eyes with a look of hate in them.

...You are holding a place in line for more than one person. No, no, no - the rules are one person, one spot, that's it. I'm not going to wait in this line and then as you get to the front suddenly there are 10 more people in front of me. You might as well give headsies for backsies, yeah that was popular in like second grade, you're 40 grow up or grow hated.

...You get in my way when I'm running across the platform from the local to the express subway. You F'n moose, move yourself and those three other people you call legs out of the way. I'm obviously running across the platform, just like everyone else and you are obviously running towards food, oh wait maybe you are running towards my hate.

...You are in a movie theater and feel the need to sit up straight with perfect posture for the first time your life. No one naturally sits up straight like that, I mean it's as though you have a board stapled to your back, how is that humanly possible? And why is it that you must sit on front of me? This is bullshit, I have this big round oafish head in front me now blocking my view of hating you.

...You are at the movies, in stadium seating, and cross your legs. Yes I WOULD like your shoe in my face, that would be a pleasureable evening. I don't know what you gave you the idea that I have a foot fettish, but I don't. I have a hate fettish and I'm all over you.

...You are selling popcorn at a movie theater and tell me it's only a quarter to upgrade from a bag that can fit me to a bucket that can fit the lady blocking me from crossing the subway platform. What is it with your obsession for that extra quarter, I've already bent over for the 5 bucks it's costs for a little plastic baggie of popcorn and 3 bucks for the thimble of water, but that's all I wanted, I can see the sign that says it's only a quarter more for the gargantuan size, but I didn't ask for that, just like you didn't ask for hate, but you got it.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Out of the Races and Onto the Hate

...You slow down to virtually a complete stop before making a right hand turn. I must have missed the day in driver's ed where they told us we have to stop before turning. I must have also missed the chapter in the driver's ed manual that says when you stop before turning, you also don't have to use a turn signal because either way, you still get hated.

...You place your shoes/sneakers on the locker room benches in the gym. Go right ahead your dirty sneakers need to have a seat, I don't need to sit down to tie my sneakers, nope, I can bend over to tie them to give you show. You are obviously the cause for a sign that says, "one person per shower only" if not you are definately the cause of my hate.

...You come inches from killing me while I'm in a crosswalk. I know, I know, you getting to the next red light 1/10th of second sooner is so much more valueable than a human life, especially mine. Forget that I clearly had the right of way and even if I didn't, I'M A FUCKING PERSON and you are driving a machine of death, well I'm going to retaliate, I bought myself a machine of hate.

...You are working behind the counter of let's say Starbucks, you see a line of about 15 people, yet you feel your time is better spent making sure there are enough extra fat filled crumb cakes behind the counter rather than help out. I don't understand the other person working either, why are you doing all the work while the fat ass is hiding in back "getting food" to put on display? How can you accept that without accepting my hate?

...You are on mass transit and feel the need to have your most intimate conversations via cell phone, speaking at the top of your lungs for all to hear. I really can't believe I had to listen to you explain how "shonda" has herpes and you don't want to touch her with a ten foot poll. Most people tend to have their "I'm in public voice" and their "I'm at home so I can say anything" voice. That's most people though, I of course only have an I hate you voice.

...You are some crotchedy old wasp lady that asked the black train conducter if he was upset because he had to work today. Having to hear you say that made me extremely uncomfortable, but you outdid yourself when you asked if all his friends had off. Rather presumptuous wouldn't you say wasp lady? Don't worry, you managed to get an entire train car to hate you.

...You work in a supermarket and are bagging groceries. I know you're job sucks, but please don't take it out on my food. Bread goes on top, not below cans and containers of yogurt. You are either really stupid or really spiteful. In either case you should be attending a training course in how to avoid my hate.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Sky Rockets in Flight, Afternoon Hate

...You enter a revolving door in the same compartment as me. First time in a revolving door huh? Never left Iowa before? You see in civilization we have these things called doors and they revolve and you walk through one at a time, you get it? ONE at a time. Did you not see the other people before you when you were trying to time your entry into the door? Did you not see that I was already there hating you?

...You insist on holding a baby. Please for the love of all things sacred in this world can you please shut the hell up about holding the damn baby. Oh look he's eating, oh look he's pooping, oh look I think he's tired, let me hold the baby. Why do you need to hold the kid, he's not a joint to be passed around, does this give you some kind of satisfaction because you can't get some guy to get you pregnant? All you can get is some guy to hate you.

...You are wearing a tie and your collar doesn't cover it all the way around your neck. This has absolutely no impact on my life, but you are still annoying. If I can simply look in a mirror and check this so can you. An extra 2 seconds in the morning is all this requires, but noooo that's 2 seconds too long for you, but alas I have an extra 2 seconds to hate.

...You approach a subway turnstile, see that I stepped aside to take out my metrocard then proceed to block entry for anyone else and search in your bag for literally 5 minutes not letting anyone pass. I had the decency to step aside to take out my card, this was an extra 5 seconds maybe 10, but you see, I understand the concept of keeping things moving, you don't, you only understand the concept of being hated.

...You try to gain traction at work by using corporate speak, you are impressed by the use of corporate speak and think I'm serious when I tell you I'll be out of pocket so you can just hit me on the cell. If you are still using corporate speak and don't realize that I'm laughing uncontrolable when I'm offline, well then you need to look at the big picture here, because at the end of the day, it is what it is. But let's not spoil it here by throwing the baby out with the bathwater, I realize you have a lot on your plate right now, but I'm not asking you to reinvent the wheel here, it's a simple matter of bringing critical mass to our efforts and that critical mass is hate.

Friday, January 13, 2006

A Day No Pigs Would Hate

...You Tivo the show Law & Order. Are you not aware that this show can be seen 56 hours a day? I think there are three channels dedicted to only showing Law & Order, is this not enough? What about the primetime airing? Do they even make new shows of this? Either way, if I start watching 7, i'm hooked until at least 3 in the morning, then I dream about episodes I've come up with, but I don't solve them, I hate them and by them, I mean you.

...You are in some kind of Corporate leadership role, send a happy new year email detailing your lavish vacation with the family and then say you now have to work 80 hours a week, minimum. This isn't my current job, but one of days gone by. You begin the holiday season with the omnipresent message, relax, spend time with family and friends, "recharge your batteries". Upon your return from your $50,000 ski trip to Aspen, you then rub into all the peons faces how rich you are and then give the message, yeah by the way, while you going into debt just to get drunk, I decided I need to be richer, so work twice as much. Here's MY message to YOU, there were no recharging of batteries, there was only charging of hate, and you're in a lot of hate to debt to me.

...You walk into a revovling door and make everyone else do the work. I'm sorry your majesty, I didn't realize I was supposed to wipe your ass too. You seemed to miss this whole self reliant revolution of the republicans, but I didn't. I push the door, yes, but I can also stop it and keep you trapped in my hate.

...You yell at me on the street asking for directions. Do I know you? No of course I don't, you are some gypsy lady from eastern Europe, why the hell are you yelling at me? And asking where 415 First Avenue is, that is no way to find where you are going, it's only a way to find hate.

...You are pushing 7 feet tall and are wearing 6 inch heals. Oh my god, you are freakishly gigantic, and then on top of that, you have those heals on. I'm not a midget or anything but seriously lady, I'm completely dwarfed in your presence. I realize you are never dwarfed, but rest assured you are hated.

...You walk down the street rapping. Does this make you "cool" or is "tough"? I'm not sure of your point here, yes you speak along with someone else speaking into your headphones, and yes none of it contains anything that resembles coherent language, but if saying bitch, ho, and suck my cock makes you feel like more of a man so be it, just understand that it doesn't not make you cool, it does not make you tough, it only makes you hated.

...You come into my room and see that I have a guitar and ask if I play. No it's for show, I went out of my to buy a guitar, put it on display in my room for sole purpose of impressing girls when they come over and then I simply say I'm too drunk to play, yeah right what kind of self serving, egotistical asshole would do such thing, I can't believe you would think that. Well in reality, you're exactly right and therefore I must hate you.

...You see a line of people waiting to use one of three ATMs, but one of them is not being used and then go to investigate yourself only to find out, just like the 9 other people in line, that it's out of order. So you think all those other people somehow missed and open ATM and felt, well I'm in no rush, I've got time to kill here, I'll wait instead, and then that thought process was repeated 9 times. yeah that's logical...logical if you're hated by me.

Monday, January 09, 2006

The hills are alive, with the sound of hate

...You are at the supermarket and paying in cash. We really need to establish a cash only line and leave the rest of the aisles for people who have actually arrived in this century. If you are using cash, you must be penalized for your slowness. That's it, count out the exact change, one, two, three dollars and 14 hates.

...You are at the supermarket and refuse to use the little divider thing. Yes you are too good to use the divider, I get it, wait until the person in front is completely finished, bagged and out the door before you start to unload your cart. Better hurry up though, I'm about to unload my hate.

...You are woman that sits outside my office and decided to bend over to look into a drawer for 10 minutes right in front of me. I may as well just offer my resignation now because I stared for 10 minutes and 1 second, getting totally busted. At least you smiled, wait I don't hate you at all....yet.

...You are the loud Russian guy that sits in the office next to me. You are just additional evidence to my theory of Eastern European languages, they cannot under any circumstances be spoken below screaming level. I'm just at a complete loss, we're in a place of business here and you're screaming into the phone or just talking out loud, I don't know and I don't get it. There is however one thing I can understand, how I can just hate a man.

...You work at Starbucks and charge $1.99 for a MEDIUM coffee and insist on giving me the penny back. Dude you cannot be serious, it's a penny, they are worthless. The only reason they remain in circulation is to completely annoy me, price the damn coffee be exactly 2 dollars because there is no reason for you to yell to me that I forgot to get my change, the only thing I forgot was my hate.

...You are at the supermarket and insist on tying the little plastic baggies that hold your fruit or vegetables. Not only do you insist on tying them, which wouldn't bother me all too much, but you wait until you get to the checkout counter and as you remove them from your cart you tie each bag, triple knots. I don't waste time tying stupid baggies that are just going into another bag, I waste my time hating you.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

The Hate Also Rises

...You complain how everything requires a password and you can’t remember anything. Here’s an idea, make them all the same. It’s not that complicated and what are you protecting anyway? Work? You’re pretty protected there and no one is trying to hack into your computer for not at all important work. Unfortunately I have news for you, I’ve got your passwords and I changed everything on your computer to direct you straight to my hate.

...You were married for 15 years, got divorced and now refer to your ex as “what’s his name”. Are you in high school? Are you a child? No you’re 48 years old, grown adults can refer to past relationships and use actual names, no matter how awful it was. What kind of circus job was I at? Now that I left who is the new Ring Hater?

...You don’t know proper conversation etiquette. When two people are communicating, it is common for eye contact to be made. Typical conversation involves one person making a statement and then the other responds, comments or makes another statement thus starting a new line of statements. You see what I’m getting at here? If I have made my point or said what I’m saying, it’s now your turn, don’t just stand there smiling waiting for me to say something else. Don’t get me wrong I can talk and talk…..and talk, but I have two subjects I always get back to, one is myself, what better thing to talk about than me? The second is hating you.

...You tell the same stories over and over and over. Do you listen yourself? How long have you been telling these same stories? Do you think I’ve forgotten how you think your crazy neighbor is a terrorist? Which by the way, I don’t know where you came up with that, you said they’re Greek, somehow that’s synonymous with terrorists. Now that I’ve written terrorist three times, my blog will start showing up in a database of some kind, it’s only a matter of time now. You just can’t hate like you used to.

...You claim to be a true believer and follower of Jeeeessssus, yet you still value your worldly possessions, claim all people on welfare are lazy, cheat on your taxes and beat your kids. Do you get the pattern here? Unless you are Ned Flanders, you are a hypocrite. Religion is full of em and I hate you all.

...You walk in to a crowded place and see someone you know, then yell to them so everyone can hear. Oh you know someone? Oh you must be reeeeally cool, you are so popular, thank you for making that apparent to me now, because before I would have just thought you are a complete loser, but now; now I KNOW you are a complete loser that is hated by me.

Friday, January 06, 2006

The Hater in the Rye

...You refer to your mother as "my moms". Either you come from a very progressive family and actually have two mothers or you are completely illiterate. I vote for the latter, because I hate you.

...You have ever said before playing "the big game" that you are going to win this one for "bobby". By Bobby I mean the kid who broke his arm or leg in last week's game or the kid that contracted the mysterious case of TB. Either way you are going to lose the game and then be hated by me.

...You put an additional you at the end of a sentence after you have already the person as you. That makes no sense, example. I hate you, you little prick you. Um yeah I think we know who you're talking about here, no need to through in the extra you. Yo, my moms and I are going to win this one for little bobby, we're gonna get you hated asshole you.

...You use the bathroom at my office. I swear every single time I go to take a piss someone is in there taking a dump. The room perpetually smells like ass, ass that hates you.

...You are a January gym asshole and are on the treadmill reading a book, barely even moving. If you went any slower, you'd be moving backwards. God I really really loathe you, I never realized how annoying you are until I had to wait for someone to read three chapters of The Devil Wears Prada or one of those other stupid books that is basically on the same level as reading People. Just know this, as you are attempting to piece together syllables into words, I'm hating you.

...You are in the locker room getting dressesd shirts, socks and everything else before the underwear of course, and are taking up half the locker room, and are right in front of my locker. Guy, what's your deal? Do you think I like just standing here for fun? The speed at which you dress yourself makes me think you are retarded, literally, not to mention you wearing long johns under your wool pants. Where are you going, in Manhattan, that you need to be wearing long johns, how long could you possibly be staying outside, how long can you stand there getting hated by me?

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Grumpy Old Hate

...You complain about things saying they were better when you were young. Its called change, get used to it. You'd think by the time you reach middle age you would understand this concept, but you don't. Why on earth would you want to live in the past? No TV, no computers, cell phones, instant delivery of any product, life would suck, you'd actually have to do things for yourself instead of being hated.

...You are 75 and dress like you are living in the dust bowl. Just because you were born in 1930 doesn't mean you need to dress like it. You are about 4 feet 9 inches tall, you have 7 scarves around your head and cankles that are thicker than your thighs stuffed in wooden block shoes. seriously, even if you're poor you don't need to dress like an aged old gypsy from 1937, no you can just be hated by me.

...You have ever said, when I was your age that only cost me a nickel. Really Alan Greenspan? Because your annual income was $120? Econ 101 - inflation. Wait not even econ 101, its called having lived for 10 years and you understand everything gets more expensive, unless it's sold at walmart in which case it's hated.

...You say Happy New Year to someone on like January 28th. This is pre-emptive hate, because I know it's going to happen. The time limit runs out January 5th. After that NO MAS. It's like having a birthday in March and someone saying happy birthday June 15th. Let it go or let it hate.

...You refer to where you grew up or live as "county". When did saying the name of the town in which live become too detailed? I know why you say that, you obviously live in the one ghetto part of "the county" or you want people to believe you live in the rich town. What's your obsession with people thinking you're rich? Rich people are pretentious, obnoxious and hate you.

...You live in an apartment building, get a real christmas tree, then drag it through every inch of hallway and staircase to allow the dead needles to fall everywhere and then don't clean it up. I see, you are waaay to good to clean up your own mess, let the janitor clean it, after all he wants to keep his job doesn't he? Oh yes, you definately deserve to be the only people left in the building paying $200 a month rent because of your rent control lease from 1943. You should however be concerned, you didn't notice the lease rider that states you are evicted if I hate you.

...You are a January gym hog and sit your naked fat ass down right in the middle of the bench in the locker room. You disgusting sloth. Not only is your bare ass on the bench, but it's in the middle so no one else can site down to say, tie their sneakers, to make matters worse, this is pre-shower, so let's amend that to read your naked fat sweaty ass that is hated by me.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Dark side of the hate

...You are in a shoe store, wearing a bow tie mind you, and ask the clerk to show the most expensive pair of shoes. You are the quintessential tool. This question defies all logic of reason and rational thinking. No matter how rich you are, you would never ever ever ask for the most expensive pair of shoes, who are you trying to impress here anyway, and it's not like it was even that great of a shoe store. You deserve to lose your job, lose all your money and get hated.

...You are a gypsey cab and try to charge me $30 to drive me 2 miles. Hey tard, I can wait for a yellow cab or even take the subway which is right here, it may be the middle of the night new years eve, I may be drunk but I'm not about to have you bend me over and I'm about to hate you.

...You tell me I smell like alcohal while sweating at the gym on New Year's Day. You know, I'd be remiss if I didn't smell like alcohol and an ash tray on new year's day while at the gym. I realize that your fat ass only comes to the gym one week out of the year, the first in january, give it up you pig, it's only going to get you hated.

...You may a new year's resolution to lose weight. If your losing weight didn't involve coming to my gym and taking up space, then I'd be fine with it. Tragically, you insist on going to MY gym, you stretch for 15 minutes right in front of the last available treadmill, you get on the thing, take 10 minutes to find a tv station, then you walk for 10 minutes and leave. What's the point of your existence, leave or be hated by me.

...You are a hot girl at a party and talk to me for about 3 hours, then decide to mention you are there with a dude, actually the dude decided to make his presence known. Um yeah so I spent a better part of this party talking to you, granted I did enjoy it, you are hot, you laughed at every joke and were interesting, but seriously, I could have been elsewhere instead of hating you. (If things don't work out with the dude, caaaall me)