Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Teach a man to hate and he'll hate for a lifetime

...You over annunciate with your mouth when you speak. Please watch when I speak, subtle movement of my mouth. Now you look in the mirror when you speak, somehow I can see the back of your lips and why are you sticking your tongue out at me? Take a lesson in how to speak and I'll take a lesson on how not to hate you.

...You are on the phone with someone and are in the bathroom. Did I just hear a flush? This is multi tasking gone too far. It's okay to not answer the phone or tell someone you'll call them back, people surprisingly understand. Please allow the santimonious bathroom time to remain just that, instead of a breading ground of hate.

...You preach on the subway. I can't hate this enough. At one point in one's faith do they say to themselves, now, if I could only get on to some mass transportation system, open a bible and scream the scripture at unwanting suspects, well then, then I can really make a difference. But I won't dress respectfully, I'll make sure my clothes are torn and I don't wear my false teeth, that way I'll really connect rather than being hated.

...You are riding the subway and switch seats at every stop. Are you that ADD? what are you positioning yourself for here anyway? You're not any closer or farther from a door, you are just in my way getting hated everyday.

...You are obsessed with the temperature. Yes it was predicited to be 30, well now the mission is on to prove them wrong, if ever the temp says even one degree difference, well then "they" know nothing at all. They meaning weathermen and knowing nothing meaning being hated.

Friday, February 24, 2006

The Hating Diaries

...You are in a fairly crowded public restroom, finish washing your hands then proceed to get a paper towel, stand in front of the paper towel dispenser for the entire time you dry your hands thereby not allowing the line of 5 people to get to the paper towels. Please take your time, my hands will air dry, I have all the time in the world, all the time in the world to hate you.

...You call my house and ask who is this? Oh who is this? well you called me numbnuts why you don't you tell me who you are. And for the record, you address me as sir, Sir Hates you.

...You are walking towards me in a hallway or on the sidewalk, there is 4 feet of open space on either side of me, yet somehow you manage to bump into me. Walk much? Try staying out of my way, I somehow can walk between 30 people sprall horizontally across the sidwalk without touching one person, why? Because if I didn't I'd have to hate myself.

...You design a heating system for an apartment building and create only two levels, Sahara Desert and off. Can someone please for the love of god explain to me why in the winter people turn the heat up to 95, but then in the summer when it's 80 degrees they turn the air conditioner on? This is a riddle for the ages, I can't solve it, but I do hate it.

...You are at the gym, wait in 20 minute line to use a treadmill, then once you get to the treadmill and only then, do you decide it's time to stretch for 10 minutes. So that whole standing in time, that was what? Your first warmup? Of course you don't even need to stretch because you get on that thing walk for ten minutes then leave. I actually run 7 miles, and I don't even stretch, I hate.

...You are at the gym and make grunting noises while working out. You can either be on the treadmill or lifting, I know you just want people to look at you, I get it, but seriously, you don't want people looking at you, you only want people hating you.

...You are fat and drink protein shakes. Protein shakes are for skinny people that are trying to gain weight, muscle weight. You are fat, you have a lot of weight, fat weight. Try using that up before you even begin to lift, and another lesson for you, the only way to lose that fat is stop eating. You are not "jacked" if you are fat and have 30 inch arms you are only hated.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Gonna Give You Every Inch of My Hate

...You are a middle aged man wearing an earring. Guy, earring's are acceptable on two types of men and two only; Frat guys from the 90's and pirates. And since the 90's are over and we're not at sea, take that foolish thing out. To all those under 44 yr old men out there, when it comes time for your crisis, do us all a favor and pierce your sac or something we can't see so we don't have to painfully witness the time when you realize you're closer to death than to youth, for now, I'll have to settle for painfully hating you.

...You are a 6 foot 5 ogre and insist on sitting in the middle seat on a train. I'm so very nice and comfortable a nice space betweem me and the attractive cougar that I was chattin it up with, and suddenly my enjoyment was crushed by this monster that insisted on sitting. Now I'm pressed against the window because your side fat was taking up half my seat. You are huge, you are on a crowded train, you stand or you get hate.

...You tell me something is 6 of one, half dozen of the other. Yes either one works, I get that, but are you telling me riddles in conversation. I'm not sure if I should agree with you or pull out a calculator. I am however sure that I should hate you.

...You are on a train, place your coffee on the floor on the aisle side and flip out when someone knocks over your $1 coffee. I mean its not even starbucks, if from some cart on the street that mostly contains more urine than coffee, someone just did you a favor. The reaction was so not worth the crime, what's going on in your life that you practically came to blows with three women, who by the way could have taken you, but instead just hate you.

...You chew with your mouth open. I'm not even talking just a little open, I'm talking gaping, I can see every piece of disgusting food in your mouth, and the sound it makes, lips smacking together, your mouth too dry, I won't be able to eat for days, I'll only be able to hate for days.

...You come to my door at 6:30 in the morning and ring the doorbell then walk away. Yes, I was blasting 80's music at 6:30 in the morning, yes we were screaming along at the top of our lungs, yes we were jumping up and down "dancing" making a lot of noise, but come on, you move furniture every day of your life at 1:30 in the morning therefore I get a freebe here so I can hate you.

Monday, February 20, 2006

The emperor has no Hate

...You are offended by some cartoon and feel the appropriate response is to kill people. Do you want to know why you are poor? Because you are nucking futs. It's a cartoon, a drawing, you want us to be respectful of you and tolerant of you, well you need to be respectful and tolerant of us. We tend to value something called free will which takes precedent over everything else. The reason why we are dominant and why we buy your oil which is the only thing that allows you to even eat, is because we have the right and freedom to make fun of you, to make fun of me, to love god or hate god, to be white or black or male or female to cover our face or not cover our face. You get it? For the past 500 years or so while you were trying to keep women locked up, the rest of the world grew up, it's time you get on board. You can make fun of me, you can hate my values, my faith or lack thereof, but you can still go about your business, what I think has no impact on your life and what you think has no impact on my life, we go about our business we live then we die, its beautiful actually. I understand that you will continue to feel its necessary jump up and down and burn a nation's flag because one guy made fun of your god, or prophet rather. Oh no, boo hoo, mommy someone called me a name, waaaaaa, you hurt my feelings. That's what you sound like except unlike a child, someone gave you guns and bombs. Until you decide that it's time to come to the grown up table, you have to sit in the kitchen with all the other babies that are hated.

...You are a completely inept adminsitration and refuse admit error, accept criticism, change or apologize. Intelligent people prefer to hear suggestions, ignorant people think they are all knowing. The all knowing types are typically unsmart and have to make up for it with force. You completely fuck up a war, you completely fuck up disaster recovery, you completely fuck up the supreme court, you completely fuck up our reputation in the world, you completely fuck up our balanced budget, you completely fuck up our surplus, you completely fuck the concept of fiscal conservative, you completely fuck up our right to be left alone, you completely fuck up the whole abide the laws of the country approach that we've used for the past 230 years or so and you completely fuck up my hate.

...You use the phrase "I accept responsibility". What the hell does that mean other than, I refuse to say I'm sorry because I'm not because I'm never wrong and all these people are idiots for thinking I could possibly make a mistake. This isn't religion here, when something isn't clear, you explain, you don't just say god did it. I have news, you ain't god, now say you made mistake and are actually sorry for it, show remorse, shed a tear something to say I'm human, but you won't you just be hated.

...You refuse to resign for making massive mistakes and misjudgements. Cheney you should resign, Rumsfeld resign, Chertoff resign, Nedermeyer - dead. Heads should roll (not in the literal sense of course) but this is gotten to the point of hilarity actually, its as though you are trying to fuck up even more just to see what you can get away with. You're not getting off that easy my friend, you will need to come and face the hate.

...You don't like my homage to president's day. Sometimes staying up until 6 in the morning drinking scotch and having 80's dance party USA, makes you want lay around the next day and pontificate as if someone gives a shit what I think. I love to hear myself talk or watch myself type, same thing. Manana I return to some good old fashioned hate of you.

Too Shy Shy, Hate Hate, Eye to Eye

...You are walking in front of someone on the right hand side of the sidewalk, sensing that someone is about to walk past you on the left, you decide to then drift to the left thereby blocking the person from passing. When said passer then changes direction to pass on the righthand side, you then drift back to your original position thereby becoming hated.

...You are driving in front of someone on the right hand side of the highway, sensing that someone is about to drive past you on the left, you decide to then drift to the left thereby blocking the person from passing. When said passer then changes direction to pass on the righthand side, you then drift back to your original position, thereby becoming hated.

...You work at starbucks, really loving your job, you shout out everyone's orders at the top of your lungs repeatedly until someone finally takes it to shut you up. Tall skim mocha latte, tall skim mocha latte, tall skim mocha latte, tall skim mocha latte. Dude give someone a chance to actually say it's theirs, save your breath so I can save my hate.

...You don't understand that when someone orders a coffe for say, $2.63 and gives you three bucks, then walks away, that the extra is the tip. Please do not come from behind the counter to chase someone down to give them their 37 cents only to tell them that WAS your tip, now you get hate.

...You sit down next to me on the bench in the locker room while I'm tying my sneakers, leaving less than an inch between us when there is clearly a good 7 feet of open bench. As if sitting that close to me wasn't bad enough, did you have to be naked? And when I was leaning down to tie my other sneaker, why would you then stand facing me so that your twig was inches from my face. I am so scarred from such an experience that I don't think I can return to my gym, but I can Hate.

...You make a right hand turn on red in Manhattan. I'm not going to excuse you because you are driving a Land Rover....in a city. I'm not going to excuse you because you are from some suburb in Westchester. It's a city dude, you never, ever, ever, ever turn on red in a city. And by City, I mean NYC, because that's where I live and that's where I hate.

Friday, February 17, 2006

I Hate You Like Crazy

…You are waiting in a long line then at some point realize that it is taking forever so you bail on it, but instead of just walking away you have to announce to all these strangers that it’s taking forever. So you feel the need to justify your actions do you? None of us really care what you do, kind of arrogant to think that, not to mention we’re not stupid, its obvious that its taking a long time and its obvious that you’re hated.

…You meet someone new an immediately you google them to find see what’s on the internet. What do you think you are really going to find? If this person had really done anything with their life, they certainly would not be talking to you., yet you feel that if someone doesn’t have at least 20 hits they are not worthy to know you, meanwhile you have about 50 hits of me hating you.

…You are my work nemesis. Yes I know you feel inferior to me because you are about 15 years older and the same title as me, with a smaller office. And you’re shorter than me so you have the whole small man thing going, and you have a moustache, sort of like the “evil” doofi. It’s okay to be inferior, and it is okay to be hated by me.

...You are standing at the bar, order your drinks and then continue to stand at the bar so no one else can get through. So you need that crutch of the bar do you? Could it be that you think you are the only one deserving of getting a drink, I think that's the case, but in reality you are just a another teabagger deserving of my hate.

...You decide to suddenly not laugh at my jokes while I'm standing at the bar talking to you. Yes I already ordered my drink, so now I'll stand here, interrupt people's conversations, make jokes, have them give me blank stares as if I told them some dark secret that no one wanted to know, keep other people from getting drinks because I already have mine, contradict my last hate, and then hate you.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

A Million Little Hates

...You are talking about how Jesus changed your life and say "he touched me deeply". Do you listen to yourself? You're talking about religion right? If you were a 12 year old boy, I'd understand, but you're not, you're hated.

...You pretentiously think that having an intelligent conversation involves talking about the art at MOMA or some other museum. Yeah I get it, but you don't. I spent my childhood being dragged from museum to museum to the freedom trail, spent days camped out in the Louvre, seen the tut thing like 15 times, etc etc etc. I'm sick of it, I can go the rest of my life without ever seeing this crap again, but I definately cannot go the rest of my life without ever hating you again.

...You say you are not going to abide by a law against spying because its from 1970's. So by that logic any law from 1978 and earlier is no longer valid, I'm pretty sure the law against using drugs was passed prior to 1978, so potheads go ahead and smoke your brains, it's now legal, Murderers, I guess you're free as well, Theft? Sure. I know what he's doing here, this is all a big scheme to outlaw abortion, 1973, sorry ladies, you can kill people, but not a couple of cells. I'm just glad there's no law against hating you.

...You are a skeleton with skin and are on the eliptical for over an hour at the gym. You are so hideously frightening and me having to stare at you while running is even worse. Looking at your protruding radius and ulna, that scapula sticking out of your neck, I just threw up in my mouth and then all over the treadmill and then I hated you.

...You come into my office (or cube when I was in the praire days) and see that I’m not there, then proceed to place something face down on my chair and push the chair all the way in under my desk. When you try to take off for a Friday afternoon to go get drunk, I don’t do everything in my power to get you caught out do I? No of course not, my chair is pushed out for a reason, papers are scattered on my desk for a reason, my coat is still there for a reason, someone comes to move the mouse to turn off the screen saver for a reason and I hate you for a reason.

…You post a comment on my blog and leave a caveat stating, “I might get hated for saying this, but…” Is this supposed to exonerate you in some way? It’s a free blog, you can comment however you like, but I of course do hold the final say and will delete your comment if it’s too stupid, if you are commenting, making a complaint in some way, just know that I don’t need blog you individually, but you are indeed hated.

...You installed movement sensor lights in my office. Apparently I must be a ghost, I'm dancing in front of the sensor and the lights still won't go on, I'm sitting at my computer hating and suddenly the lights go off and I'm sitting in the dark. People from the other side of the floor look into my office and see me waving my arms like I'm going down with the ship and all I can do is hate.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

From Hate to Eternity

...You shake hands just a little too long. This is very uncomfortable, please let go of my hand, please, oh please why are you still shaking my hand, we're beyond shaking now, we're actually holding hands, why won't he let go of my hand, maybe there is someway I can saw of my hand at the wrist to get away from you. I'll tell you the rules even though it won't have any impact, firm shake, 3 or 4 seconds, let go. the key there is LET GO or let hate.

...You stop at a red light in the crosswalk. You mean to tell me that you couldn't properly judge your stopping so that people can actually cross the street? I should have kicked your car, let you roll down your window, and slapped you in the face with a glove as if to challenge you to a duel, instead I challened you to my hate.

...You write the duel when you really mean dual. You writing me a dual contract, you see, that's two, you are not writing me challenging contracts in fact you are not writing me anything now, I'm writing you something, my hate.

...You leave your umbrella in the hallway or outside your office, open to let it dry. What is this obsession with keeping your umbrella dry? It's an umbrella, it's sole purpose is to get wet so you don't, why does it need to dry? You walk in from the rain, you shake the umbrella, you close it, you put it away and you hate.

...You give minute by minute updates during a snow storm. You mean it's snowing? really? Hmmm, I couldn't look out my window and determine that one. Weathermen are completely irrelevant, If you can tell me what the weather will be in two weeks, than you have talent, if you can only tell me the weather as it's happening, you're hated.

...You air only love stories on cable on valentine's day. Is this to torcher people that hate in the world? I have a choice of love actually on 178 channels or a very special rerun of friends where they all get laid. I'd like just one channel to play something like Life Stinks, I'm not saying I'm miserable here, I'm just saying I'm hating here.

...You call my office at 7 in the morning and seriously think I'll be in. This is just asinine behaviour. I know you're calling for the sole purpose of leaving a message, I'm not an idiot. I get into work between 8 and 8:30 like civilized humans do, you call me from your house and leave me messages at 7 wondering why i'm not answering, just like hated humans do.

Monday, February 13, 2006

All we are saying, is give hate a chance

...You call someone a monument to courage because in the face adveristy he was able to play basketball. Yes how courageous to PLAY a sport. Let's see, in life there are two basic functions that humans do, work and play. Work is what sucks, it's hard to get up everday to sit in front of computer hating, but this person, ok so he was injured or sick or whatever, but he's playing, not working, get it? It's a game, it's playing, and it's hating.

...You stop me on the street to listen to you for 30 seconds to get me to sign some pointless petition to reform heathcare. Kid, you're cute, seriously, when I was your age, I thought I could actually make a difference too, I thought the world didn't have to be this way, I don't need money, I just need to help people. Let me tell you something, I'm lucky to have realized the truth at such a young age of 28, I no longer care about making a difference, I care about taking as much of it as I can, call me defeated if you will but I'll call you hated.

...You are at the register in a drug store and are cutting your coupon out of the circular while you are holding up the line while your $1.99 item has been rung up. Yeah that 20 cents you are saving is definately worth the 15 minutes I had to wait, time value of money little old lady, move along, my time is obviously worth more than your 20 cents and not only that, but you paid with what I think were all pennies. PENNIES? Are you kidding me? From now on, we really need to establish a line in stores dedicated to the hopelessly slow molasses of people that somehow have made it this far in their life without getting hated by me.

...You are a self indulgent 30 something living in Manhattan. You hang out in coffee shops talking to your pointless friends about your pointless life. Is it necessary to discuss the evolution of the color of your hair? That person sitting across from doesn't give a shit, all she's doing is waiting for moment when you take a breath to start talking about herself. For once I'd love to hear you discuss something other than yourselves and your pointlessness, how about, is the first amendment still relevant in the fox news world? Maybe if you discuss that, I wouldn't have to hate you.

...You give a guest in your house or apartment a towel to use that is the size of a washclothe. This thing barely covers my sac 'n crack and you expect me to dry my whole body with it? I can't even wind this thing up so I can whip you with it, now all I can do is hate you.

...You are of italian ethnicity and are watching a mob movie of some sort and suddenly you start talkin like yuz from da bronx er sumthin. You're just an idiot, really. First off, you're not even all Italian, second the only place in the Bronx that you've been is Yankee Stadium and third I hate you.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

A Brief History of Hate

...You have two last names for your name, for instance, Bradford Wentworth III. I can't believe you still exist, but you are out there at your country club with other white people that look just like you, playing golf with the same 3 white racist guys you've been playing with since before you were hated by me.

...You are buying instant lotto tickets at a bodega (a quickimart for those in the sticks). When you decided to make the purchase of an instant lotto ticket, that was bad enough, but at least know what you are buying before you get up to the register, or even know how much you want to buy. Everytime you decide to give your money away, you buy 3, then you get some change back and think, hmmm I haven't thrown enough money away yet today so I'll buy another $5 worth, but then that leaves you with a 10, so you figure why not just get rid of this too so then I can be hated.

...You hear there is going to be a snow storm and run out to the supermarket and buy enough food to feed your fat ass for 40 days. I would like someone to tell me when the last time was that because of snow, someone starved to death or that someone was stuck in their house for more than an afternoon. I'd really like to know when this happened, maybe the blizzard of '78? perhaps, but that was in like syracuse. No you'll be fine here, but you will get trapped in my hate.

...You are stocking up for that alleged storm and are a walking skeleton moving at a pace through the store that if I wasn't paying close enough attention, I'd think you weren't moving at all. How do you get through life? You must leave your aptartment at 10 in the morning to make a 4 o'clock appointment, 3 blocks away and I truly wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not, I'm just hating.

...You are a wild pack of foreigners riding the subway speaking at volumes that allow the deaf to hear. I had my headphones turned up as high as volume would go, yet I still couldn't hear the music. I'll be the first to admit, I'm a little deaf, well I just don't care what you're saying to actually listen, but you pack of foreigners literally screaming, yet speaking at normal decibals for your native tounge, are truly deserving of my hate.

...You are at the gym on a treadmill in next to the mirror and spend more time looking at yourself in the mirror than at the girl's wonderful ass in front of you. It's not as though you're gay, but I think you have a serious love affair with yourself. I think you get yourself all dressed up in your best clothes and go out for a romantic dinner for one, you come home and it's right to the bedroom for you and your lovely date, yourself. You need some help I can see that, I'll set you up on a blind date with my hate.

...You are the cute girl working out right in front of me, bending over, running, "stretching" or whatever it is your doing at the moment that is distracting me, then you notice me looking at you, which is really the only way I can look while running, straight ahead. So you notice me, give me a look of disgust as if to tell me I'm a pervert, which I am of course, but you don't know that, all you know is that I hate you.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Papa's Got a Brand New Hate

Contributed by Guest Hater Prickly Pete

...You are one of my co-workers who is constantly asking me to hang out with you outside of work. What kind of a sadist are you? Its not enough that we spend 50-plus hours a week together in the office, we also need to have dinner, drinks, etc.? I barely see my best friends once a month – now I’m going to take time out of my precious, non-working waking hours to hang out with you and your spouse? You are bordering on stalker, please step away before I am forced to hate you during non-working hours too.

...You are the same co-worker, and you are constantly asking me to donate my time or money to the “cause” you support just because I once gave you a $50 donation in hopes that you would thereafter leave me alone. Let’s get something straight – there are probably a million other causes I would rather support IF I were so inclined to donate my own time or money. But I don’t, let’s face it, I’m just selfish. So why do I now have to keep supporting yours? The answer is simple – I don’t. In fact, I am starting my own cause, it will be called People Who Hate Stupid People. Please make your $1000 donation payable directly to me, and the only thing required of you after that is that you stop giving me reasons to hate you.

...You are one of my co-workers who, when we gather to eat lunch, has to call attention to what every single person in the room is eating. Do you derive some sick pleasure from this? You: “What is that? Who made it? That’s gross.” Me: “It is a steaming hot dish of hatred made just for you.”

...You are a religious zealot who has firebombed or otherwise attempted to destroy a Danish consulate because you feel your god was blasphemed by the media. What a brilliant way to inform the rest of the world of the purity of your beliefs and the attributes of your religion – I feel so enlightened now, where can I sign up? There is a word for people like you, perhaps you’ve heard of the term “terrorist”? I hope you drop your next Molotov cocktail on your foot so I can hate you while watching you burn in hell for eternity.

...You are the guy who works out at my gym but doesn’t really work out. There you are sitting in the men’s lounge area reading the paper when I come in at 7am. At 8am, when I’m done and starting my daily hygiene routine, so are you. The difference is, I was upstairs working out, you weren’t. What have you been doing for that whole hour? If you’re not working out, why don’t you just read the paper at home? Here’s why – because you are an idiot. You are the guy who wants to make chit chat with everyone and talk about how important your banking job is and how you had to go here for dinner and oh you were out so late last night entertaining clients at the Ranger game and blah blah blah blah – save it, nobody cares. I bet you can’t wait to get into work to tell everyone how you just came from the gym – yup, you like to get an early start on your day, you’re a real go-getter. But I start each day on a natural high, my friend, fueled by my hatred for you.

..You will use, in the absence of an absolute, genuine, bona fide emergency, a middle stall or urinal when the ones on the immediate left and right are occupied. Do you have absolutely no sense of the concept of “too close for comfort”? Can’t you just wash your hands, blow your nose, or do a fly-by until one of those end toilets are no longer in use? And no, I’m not homophobic – I am people-who-don’t-respect-the-personal-space-of-others-o-phobic. I know, we all poop, we all pee – those bodily functions are normal, but under optimal conditions everyone would prefer to engage in this periodic flushing of the digestive system in privacy. It is bad enough to have to have one other person within a twenty foot radius, never mind when I can practically feel your breath on my shoulder at the urinal wall. Please have some respect for others and maybe I will stop hating the shit out of you.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The Answer My Friend, Is Hating in the Wind

...You constantly move around on the subway as if jockeying for position. Is this a race? Do we really want to bring it to that? There is no purpose in you moving from one end to the other end sitting, then standing, then sitting, then getting hated.

...You are on the subway having a Jesus seizure. It took every inch of my body to not break out into explosive laughter at the sight of you shaking and twitching all over the subway yelling Jesus. Why do people feel that the best place to worship is on public transportation? Have you ever converted anyone with your antics? The only thing more bizarre are the Jews for Jesus, um have you paid attention to ANY of your religious doctrine? I may know much about Judeism, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be for Jesus, but whatever just don't have Jesus seizures or else I'll have to hate you with every inch of my body.

...You yell to me how you caught me "macking" on the attractive woman that sits outside my office. Macking? Are you Kris Kross? Do you want to jump jump? And go ahead shout her name it's not like she has a unique name that sounds like a porn star name, nope, she'd couldn't possibly hear you just like you couldn't possibly be hated.

...You are given some sort of recognition at a company dinner or conferance, everyone applauds and then you applaud yourself. My nephew does this, he throws a ball threw a hoop and then claps for himself saying hey look at what a good job I did. There are however two differences between him and you, my nephew is 15 months old and he is not hated by me.

...You tell someone that's with a new girlfriend or girl their dating and say, yeah she's cute....for you. Oh so now suddenly you are an adonis and can start judging everyone elses tastes? I get it. One disclaimer of course is that this would never be said to me or any girlfriend of mine, but having witnessed said conversation, I am quite comfortable in knowing that I hate you.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Skinny Legs and Hate

...You allow your dog to shit on the sidewalk. No cleaning it up is one thing, but even when you clean it up, it leaves a stain on cement, just like the stain in your tighties. Every 20 feet or so there's a patch of dirt with a tree in it, let your dog shit there, still clean it up but then I won't have to walk through your dog's skid marks to hate you.

...You don't tell someone to go ahead and eat when their food come before yours at a restaurant. You see this is common courtesy here, I won't eat, but I want you to ask, you at least owe me that, after all you are the cause of my hate.

...You see me on the street and expect to get the stop and chat. I know it's so very seinfeld and curb your enthusiasm, but it's so true. Yes you are a very nice person, but really, what are we going to talk about, I've got my business, you've got yours, let's just smile, say hello, how are you (without answering of course), then move on, save the conversation for when we're not hating.

...You are an established musician that has been around for years and years and then refuse to play your best songs at a concert. No one wants to hear the new stuff, it blows, just like you. Now play the songs I know, they don't have to be the biggest ones, just the older ones, that's what made you famous, your new stuff just makes you hated.

...You say your "art", in whatever form, is avante garde. So this is code for absolute shit right? Does anyone actually site there an prefer to listen to some yoko onoish chik or ever worse, dude, scream or an all white canvas with a green line on it or simply an blank canvas, kind of like the brains of people that claim to appreciate this "art" instead of being like me and hating you.

...You are the girl that I met at last year's corporate challenge run. I know you cheated and didn't run that race, you were just standing at finish line waiting for people from your company, i mean who runs and doesn't sweat, especially you, you don't look like a runner. But I hate you more for being an idiot, like when we to lunch that time and I said something was obnoxious and you replied saying, yeah that's of noxious. Um yeah, move along dum dum, it's time for me to hate.

Friday, February 03, 2006

The State of the Hate

...You think someone is serious when intoxicated and says they'll get you a job at your company. You don't go out much, that's obvious. When someone is out drinking and says oh yeah I'll look into getting you a job, it means they will take zero action to actually try to get you one, but perhaps if they come across an openning, they'll submit your resume. You DO NOT under any circumstances, call and email 7 times a day for 6 weeks straight asking, anything yet? Yeah there's something, but it isn't a job, it's hate.

...You are at an intersection I am turning right, you are in the opposite direction turning left and for some reason think you have the right of way and attempt to go first almost crashing into me. Former offenders were the minivans, but lucky for everyone on the roads, the minivans have been traded for monstrocity SUVs with you driving who thinks the road is all yours and has no concern for anyone else on the road or traffic laws. The worst part is that you actually get mad and throw up your hands in frustration because I'm following the rules and hating you.

...You are walking down the sidewalk on the lefthand side, I am walking like everyone else on this planet, on the righthand side. You refuse to move to yoru right out of my way and expect that me, walking appropriately, should counter all logic and move left even though there are people there or perhaps you feel I should scale the side of the building, but no I stop, I stand still and let you run into me so I can hate.

...You are a hipster doofus that has a skeletor body standing 6 foot 3 and insist on wearing extra small women's t-shirts. There is no need to show off your rib cage, I can't picture anyone, whatever you're into, finding this attractive, in fact I typically feel the urge to vomit when passing by, but instead I just hate.

...You are the size 3 people and see a seat open on the subway that can maybe fit 1 normal size person comfortably and attempt to park your fat ass down on the seat forcing both people on either side of you to now stand. I know, I know, that whole block that you are taking the subway is just too long for you to have to stand, after all you might burn an extra 5 calories by standing, instead you prefer to be hated by me.

...You work on a different floor than me and I need something you have, isntead of offering to interoffice it to me or have your assistant bring it to me, you tell me you will fax it to me. If you're going to fax it, you might as well scan it and email it to me, or physically walk it down to me or at least ask for me to come up to get it, I won't of course, but faxing something to another floor is the last option right before I hate you.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Smells Like Teen Hate

…You sign off on your emails with just an initial. So typing your name has gotten to be too much has it? Perhaps I’m not important enough to be address or to receive a proper signoff from you. You should however, know this, I sign off from every email and not just with a ‘D’ I spell out the name “I hate you”.

…You walk by my office and stare at me as you walk by. Yes I have a nicer office than you, yes you actually don’t have an office, but have a cube, yes I am 10 years younger than you and actually look 18 years younger than you and yes I really do hate you.

…You use large words and complex analogies to make yourself sound more smarterer than you actually are. Dumbass, if it sounds unnatural, it is. I can’t believe you used the word agnostic to describe your doubt of certain figures when you could have simply said, I am doubtful. Honestly, I thought this word was used only in relation to faith in god, etc. but no I looked this bad boy up, you are either really that much of an a-hole or this is actually a word from your everday vernacular, in either case, I still hate you.

…You are 6 foot 5, riding the subway and hold onto the center bar at the bottom. Dude you’re like a foot taller than half these people and you have to take up all their space to hang on when all you have to do is reach next to you to hold on to the side bar, which is actually 3 feet above everyone else’s head. You get where I’m going with this jolly green giant? You are tall, make room for the other people before they all hate you.

…You write FU in the subject line of an email when you really mean follow up. Perhaps you are not familiar with the connotation, but FU does not immediately make me think follow up, it makes me think you have some kind of problem with me and my work so immediately begin reading this email hating you.

…You are stopped at a stoplight when the light turns green. There is absolutely no reason why you can’t be like everyone else and pay attention to what you are doing. You can obviously see the light in the other direction, you see that it turned yellow, you then prepare for your big moment of hitting the gas pedal as the light changes from red to green, this isn’t rocket science, it’s paying attention to something other than your own personal dream world. You of course will make it through the light, but you are holding up 13 people behind you, that’s 13 different people to hate you.

…You drive up to a gas station/mini mart and instead of parking in a parking space, you park right in front of the door blocking other people from getting to the parking spaces. I get it you are just running in and out, but did your self centered little brain ever stop to think that perhaps while you are waiting in a line 8 people, someone may actually consider parking their car? No of course you didn’t consider this because that person can just park behind you, blocking even more people until eventually the line is into the street creating a traffic jam all because you had to go into a store to get hated by me.

…You leave your wet wipe wrapper in the bathroom stall. Well I am glad that you are on board with the wet wipes, I don’t know why it took so long to make wet toilet paper to begin with, I mean think about it, why would try cleaning yourself with dry paper? If your hands are dirty do you use a dry towel or dry paper to clean them? No of course not, so why should your ass be any different? In fact, no I don’t hate the anonymous wrapper leaver, you did someone a favor, perhaps this will get someone to start using the wet wipes so they can stop being hated.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Hate! I want to hate forever

…You push both the up and the down button when waiting for an elevator. While I’m riding up, you pushed the up, but you really want to go down, I guess you know how to beat the system here. Everyone else is just a sucker hitting the down button to go down, but you, you’ve figured it out until the doors open and I’m hating you.

…You roll up next to someone at a stoplight and stare into the car next to you. Is this some kind of intimidation factor here or are incapable of looking straight ahead for some reason? Seriously you’re not a tough guy, you are a tool that lives on long island, lives with his parents and spends every penny you earn the BMW you can’t afford. I look forward to you rolling up next to me, staring at me and getting hated by me.

…You whistle at girls from your truck as they walk by. If there is one person out there for whom this has worked I would like to shake your hand. If there is one woman out there that has been whistled at or received some kind of cat call from a slow moving truck, well I must meet you, immediately, so then I can hate you.

…You ask me if I want lettuce and tomato on my sandwich no less than 7 times during the whole sandwich making process. I don’t care that you can’t speak english so well, you ask, lettuce and tomato? Response: Yes. You know these words, stop asking me. And while we’re at it, don’t assume I want cheese on the sandwich, I shouldn’t have to tell you no cheese, I should have to ask for cheese, yeah I’m a freak I don’t like cheese and I hate bagels and what I really hate is you.

…You go to the gym and place all your clothes next the treadmill/cardio machine you are using. They’re called locker rooms try going into one, you’ll be surprised at the amount of hate that can be had there. But don’t expect me to not step on your clothes or that bag that can hold 3 full grown humans or complain that my sweat dripped onto your bag, yeah that’s nasty I know, but you and your gigantic duffle bag are hated.

…You place your shoe on the tissue box in the locker room of the gym. This happened weeks ago, yet I’m still trying to piece together what happened here. I go into the locker room to change, because that’s what normal people do, but it was cold out, and my nose was running, because that’s what happens when you go from really cold to really warm. Naturally I went to get a tissue and much to my surprise, you are standing there wearing a shirt, no pants/underwear of course, and your shoe is actually on the tissue box which is on the counter space. There is so much wrong with this, its so much worse than putting your shoes on the bench, I don’t know what kind farmhouse you were raised on, but in civilization, our shoes stay on the floor or you get hated by me.

…You are 5 foot 4 and have shoulders twice as wide as me. Hey small man, don’t try to overcompensate for your shortness by lifting to the point of giving yourself bacne. You’re short, deal with it, you’re not fooling anyone, in fact you look even shorter with those disproportionit muscles. You can lift all you want, but you’ll always be short and you’ll always be hated.

…You use the word literally as an exaggeration and don’t literally mean literally. I get sarcasm, my entire life is sarcasm, but the literally usage has gotten out of control, literally. I mean I could literally hear the sarcastic use of literally like 49,678 times a day, literally. If you really care about the use of literally, well then I hate you.