Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The hate is worth the squeeze

...You are pissed off that I need to take a break from the hate. A man's got other things to do in his life sometimes, besides you're getting spoiled, check back in a week or two, I need to "racharge my hate".

Friday, March 24, 2006

This bed is on fire with passionate hate

…You are filming a movie outside of my office and scream at me to say I can’t walk there. I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry, I’m going to lunch and now you’re telling me to move so you can shoot some awful adam sandler movie? This is my life here, I’m just trying to live it and this is my hate here, I’m just trying to spread it.

…You knock on wood, but instead of knocking on actual wood, you knock on your head. As if knocking on actual wood wasn’t pointless enough you go and hit your head. What is this accomplishing? Oh you haven’t been sick in three years, better knock on your head because doing that will definitely keep me from hating you.

…You are a vendor I use at work and speak to me in a condescending manner because you’ve been doing this for 30 years and I’m just some kid. Buddy, if I’m still doing the same job 30 yrs from now, wait I wouldn’t because I would have jumped off a bridge by year 10. Working the same job tells me you either suck and couldn’t get anything else or you are challenged, that’s insult in case you don’t understand and that’s also a hate.

…You boo when Simon from American Idol gives his honest opinion. You would rather hear the two dumb dumbs explain how “you took that song and made it your own….dog”. I loathe this show, yet I can’t look away. It’s like when you see a really ugly person and just stare and stare to the point where they think you are intrested in them and then they smile at you and you have to explain that you hate them.

...You come into my office and see that I'm on the phone, I tell you I am going to be a while, you then proceed to come even closer to me to wait for me to get off the phone. Telling you I'm going to be a while is code for beat it. Coming closer to me while you wait, is like watching someone when they are trying to poop, I just can't perform with you standing there geting hated.

...You talk to people leaving only 3 inches of space between your stank ass breathe and my face. I don't know how you can go through life continuing to speak to people as though you are about to make out with them. That makes me extremely uncomfortable and it makes you extremely hated.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

When life gives you lemons, make Hate

...You are playing some kind of sporting event in a bar, you have the music off and TV volume turned to decibals beyond a THX theater. It's a stupid basketball game and just another excuse for fat men to sit around getting drunk watching other people exercise instead of exercising the themselves. You get the point here? Turn the volume off or at least down because right now, I hate you.

...You suddenly like Irish jig music on St. Patrick's Day. Any other day of the year you could give two shits, but now all of a sudden you love some annoying fiddler just because you've been drinking since 7AM and just because you've been getting hated since 7:01AM.

...You have an Ex boyfriend that you like to contact once every 6 weeks or so to tell him how great your life is going and the ask how things are with him and then when he says good, you say that good can only mean that it's anything but good. Do I need to explain this in detail or does this seem absurd enough on its own to be hated?

...You say something along the lines of "what is a traditional family today anyway" because you are either a single mother, a lesbian/gay couple or some other strange mix. We get it, it's 1950 any more, thank god, but when someone says traditional family, they mean mother, father children, not mother, father, secret sex slave locked in the basement or mother, mother, mother, child or father, father, hate and you.

...You see that I'm sick at work and then make one of two comments, "out late last night?" or "Don't go getting me sick now". Response1 : Yes staying out late the night before usually results in a constant fountain of snot running out of my nose. Have you ever even been out late? How about at all? Response 2: As I'm blowing my nose for 87th time today, after hacking up half my lungs, yes the first thing that conerns me is, oh boy I hope I don't get anyone sick, gee whiz that would be just awful. Yeah in case you have realized I care about only two things in this world, myself and my hate.

...You go to work when you are sick. Look at yourself, snot running out of your nose like a fountain, you should be in bed. I mean think of other people for once in your life will you? There's an entire office of healthy people here trying to stay away from you so they don't catch your filthy disease and have to hate you.

...You are utterly confused by my contradiction in hate. You see, someone had to get me sick, so it is my duty as an American to then spread that to as many people as possible, much like it is my duty as an American to spread my hate.

Monday, March 20, 2006

The Hate Is My Oyster

...You are Alex Trebek. I know you really aren't smart, I'm on to your little game here Trebek. Just because you can read off some card that already has the answer, does not make you a know it all. Your snide comments and condescending demeanor, you should be exposed for the fraud you are, but all you are exposed to is my hate.

...You bring me refills of soda at a restaurant without asking me, then when the bill comes, you charged me $5 for every soda. Is this legal? Seriously, I only wanted one, but you kept refilling them, so I drank them, but don't you have to tell me that you are charging, after all I told you that I hate you.

...You tell a waitress that you are ready to order when she asks, then proceed to open your menu and decide what to order. When someone asks are you ready to order, it doesn't mean are you ready to look at the menu to decide what you want to eat while I stand here scratching my ass? What it really means is, are ready for me to hate you?

...You break the law and then decide to circumvent any kind of conesquences by getting a new law passed that apparently applies retroactively in order to exonerate you from any type of wrongdoing, i.e. criminal prosecution. So when a Democrat gets back into office 40 years from now, are you going to roll over with your ass in the air like the Dems are doing now or are you going to get hated?

...You have a tip jar at your cash register. How did it get to the point that everyone has a tip jar? Why does a pharmacy have a tip jar? What are you doing that deserves a tip? The liquor store? Tip jar. Based on this precedence, I'm now putting a tip jar in my office, I expect tips whenever I answer a question, I'll start off with a tip of my own, I hate you.

...You are not married/engaged but wear a ring on your left ring finger. You're in your 20's, maybe 30's, you are a single woman, yet you are wearing a ring, granted it's obviously not a diamond, but when intoxicated or at a quick glance you are immediately written off as being hated by me.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Responding Hate

...You post a comment on mason-dixon hate defending the south. The fact that you feel the need to ANONYMOUSLY leave comments defending yourself and "your people" tells me there is some sort of self doubt going on in your head, or perhaps embarassment or perhaps hate.

...You are offended by anything posted here, namely making fun of the south. In case you didn't notice, the entire blog is hate for people in north, in fact, the entire blog takes the time to meticulously detail each and every hate with several sentences, while mason-dixon was an experimental format of hating you.

...You state in your response to my hate that you are proud of your ancestors re-enacting a war they lost. So you are proud to be a racist? You do realize that aside from all the other reasons for going to war against your own country, "your people" were fighting to keep an entire race of people enslaved, treated as though they were property, if that's the culture you are proud of defending, then perhaps you should leave the country all together, before I actually do hate you.

...You make an assumption that my ancestors came to this country illegally and that I don't know my culture and my roots. I know that my ancestors came to this country legally, through ellis island, their names are on the wall. I know that when they came here, Italians were discriminated against by people like you. Unlike my ancestors who tried to act more like you, I hate you.

...You claim "the north is just a direction on the compass". I'm sorry, go anywhere in the world, speak to anyone from another country and what is the first place they think of when they think of the US? It's New York, it's the statue of liberty, it's the empire state building, it's a yellow cab drivin by some Arab guy, it's chinese family that runs a dry cleaner, it's a Mexican guy that makes pizza, it's an inter-racial couple that doesn't get dirty looks, it's a rich guy riding a subway next to an immigrant bus boy, no one thinks of Mobile Alabama, I'm sorry to say, just know that this blog was, up until the point you decided to make a comment, a joke. If you can't take a joke or look in the mirror sometimes and laugh, well then you have become hated.

Friday, March 17, 2006

One Bourbon, One Scotch and One Hate

…You go out for st. patrick’s day at 7 in the morning because the so called “holiday” is an excuse to be drunk all day long. Stop kidding yourself, you are an alcoholic, the sooner you can admit that, the sooner you can get on with your drinking, your 4 PM vomit, your 8PM vomit, 12AM vomit and your 12:01 Hate.

…You meet someone new, ask where they are from, then proceed to list every person you ever heard of that may have lived in that town asking if they know them. Oh yes of course I know that one person because in a town of 50k people, I’m guarenteed to know exactly who you are talking about. Or just because I went to the same college as someone, a college with about 20k people, doesn’t mean I know your friend. I knew the same 200 or so people that were at bars every single night of the week, that’s it. I have no clue where the other 19,800 people went, but it wasn’t near me, maybe they actually studied or maybe they just got hated.

…You go out for a group meal/drinking function and you are the person that orders a salad, an appetizer, surf and turf, a dessert and twice as many drinks as everyone else, then when the bill comes you want it split equally between everyone. Let me get this straight you are consuming about $175 worth of crap, all I’m getting is a 10 dollar salad, yet somehow my portion of the bill becomes $90. I’m basically subsidizing your obesity and all you are subsidizing is my hate.

…you have the same first name as your last name. Example philip philips, tommy tompson, John Johnson, Nick Nicholas. These are real names people, actual parents sat there when their child was born and thought to themselves, well my last name is stevens, so I will call my son stephen stevens. What is the thought process that goes on here? How is there complete disregard for this poor kid’s life, the rest of his life, he’ll have to explain that his parents were morons and hated by me.

…You have a TV show/movie where the wife is going into labor, the husband frantically runs into the hospital saying, we’re having a baby, the nurses in turn look at the husband in confusion asking who, and where’s your wife, etc, then the woman in labor calmly walks into the hospital carrying her overnight bag that she packed 7 months ago. What a great idea, let’s make this episode about an idiot guy that has no idea what to do when his wife is about to deliver, oh the possibilities there are endless, think of the hilarity, and think of the hate.

…You tell me a doctor can see me in two weeks when I call you saying I’m sick. Uh yeah I can’t hear out of my ear, probably should see someone right now don’t you think? Isn’t that the whole point of a doctor to see people when they are sick? I don’t understand this, I need two seconds, you look in my ear, you clean it out and give me some pills so I can get on my way to hating you.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Saw a Hate Head sticker on a Cadillac

...You driving 40 mph in the left lane when there is no on in front of you for miles while the right lane is full of people driving 42 mph keeping you from being able to pass. I pull out every single hair of my head in frustration, do you not understand? I don't care if you're going the speed limit, if I want to go 80 move over and let me. Who has this much time anyway? Apparently you can drive and drive, no where to be, I don't even have anywhere to be, I just need to get past you so I can hate you.

...You have bumper stickers on your car that preach some kind of message. Choose Life, Choose Death, NRA, Jesus fishes all tell me that you are a complete moron. I guess some other bumper sticker on someone's car is how you came to believe in what you believe, not by rational thought or long process where you actually considered every angle of your "issue". You don't deserve to have that opinion, you only deserve to be hated.

...You are riding shot gun and feel you have free reign of the radio controls. Um I like that song, and even if I didn't I want it louder because I'm driving and I have ultimate veto power over any station, song, volume levels, temperature controls and hate.

...You send me something by inter-office mail when you sit in the office right next to mine. Was that whole walking next door just too much for you? I wish I was exaggerating, but sitting in the office literally right next to mine in no way calls for an inter-office mail, it calls for a hate.

...You call me at the office and leave me a message after 6. You know I have much better things to do than to wait around for your dumb ass to call me, you know you are walking on thin ice and on the brink of being fired, call me at hours when you know I'll be in or call yourself hated.

Monday, March 13, 2006

The flavor of Hate

...You refuse to serve salsa and chips to me at a restaurant and tell me they are only served at the bar. I get it, all the little hipster doofi in the hood get a table and order chips and salsa all night. I may be skinny, but I'm not THAT skinny, my bones don't show and that means give me the damn chips and salsa, I will actually order a meal too, here hold my credit card, my entire wallet if you want, all I want is to not hate you.

...You have a table open for 4 and I'm 2 and you tell me there are no tables available. No tables except that one with four chairs. I'm going to stand here and wait for a table for two to open up while that one table for four remains empty as soon as the two person table opens, I'm going to leave and then hate you.

...You write your resume as your email signature. Wow how impressive that you actually went to school, now you have to brag to everyone that you did? I don't care if you are a BA or MBA or CPA or an Esquire or a tool all I care about is that you are hated.

...You put a lemon in my water or soda without me asking for it. At point did it become more normal to put a lemon in soda or in water than to have it plain? I might, expect this at a nicer dining establishment, but if I'm in some dingy pub getting a turkey club, I expect to be lucky to even get ice in my water instead of little bits of lemon pulp that make the water nasty and make you hated.

...You leave disgusting leftovers in the office fridge. Are you really going to eat that 4 day old half of hamburger at some point? It's scary, that's not a blue cheese burger, that mold and that stink doesn't make it gourmet, it only makes you hated.

...You think cheese that smells like feet is "exquisite". I'm sorry but anything that smells like feet can never ever taste good. Isn't smell like 80% of taste? Does this mean you have a foot fetish or does this simply mean that you have a hate fetish?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

It's A Watercooler Hate

...You go to get a glass of water from the watercooler, see that it's empty, then walk away. Replacing the water is just too much work for you isn't it? You'd rather die of thirst than lift a finger you don't have to. Just leave it, go ahead then I can hate you.

...You go to replace the water at the watercooler and spill half of it all over the floor. Use your arms much? No of course you don't. 20 pounds is pretty heavy, I mean who can actually lift that to their waist, so tough and so hated.

...You actually speak about TV shows at the watercooler. You're life is just so interesting that you can only speak about TV shows that you saw, original thoughts? Nope. Creative ideas? Nope. Hated by me? Indeed.

...You refer to a show as a "watercooler show". Why think for yourself when someone can just give you buzzwords to make you sound like you actually have something to say, when in reality you just regurgitate crap that people spew in the news and on E!. Your version of the "news" is in fact E! and Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood and ihateyouif.

...You have a water bottle you use at the watercooler over and over and over again. Contrary to your belief, that mold inside your water bottle is not good for you, it's repulsive, just like your face. There are paper cups everywhere, use one of those or be hated.

...You are refilling your mold infested waterbottle at the watercooler and place the rim of the waterbottle right up against the spicket or whatever it's called, thereby contaminating any water that is drawn in the future. Do you have any ounce of brain power in the mouse size head of yours? Your filthy germs are now all over the place, the entire office is now sick and you are now hated.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Might as well face it, you're addicted to hate

…You have the same name for your first name and last name. Yeah I realize it’s your parents that were completely moronic, but you are dumb yourself. When you have the same first and last name, you automatically are annoying, but when you are old enough and still don’t change it, you are automatically hated.

…You leave me a message on my voicemail after we’ve been trying to speak saying “we’re playing a little phone tag”. You come up with that one on your own? Now that’s talent. Do you normally narate your actions, I’m going to get coffee now, oh look there’s a line, and here’s a door, I’m walking through it and getting hated.

…You say “oh do you still need that” when I asked you for it 3 weeks ago and then followed up again today. No, I don’t need it, I just thought I’d ask you for it, have you not do it, then let 3 weeks go by, ask you for it again even though I now have no use for it. Is this your plan? Just ignore me as long as you can so eventually I’ll just say oh well now it’s too late so you don’t have to do it, god forbid you actually do work without having me have to hate you.

…You provide me with some kind of market report that I requested and feel the need to include in the report what I requested. I know what I wanted, I don’t need you to tell me that again. This isn’t 6th grade where you have to include the question in the answer like nuns used to yell at me for doing. Yes Sister, the devil made me just answer the question instead of restating the question in the answer thereby wasting hours of my life reiterating what you just said. Yes Sister, it’s been 20 years and I still hate you.

…You are a bartender and think everyone is supposed to kiss your ass to get a drink. I’m sorry but I think you’ve missed the entire concept of service. When did bartenders become exempt from trying to please everyone and then to top it off, I have to tip you after begging you to spend my money. This is yet another power trip situation, oh please mr. bartender, please make me a drink, there are all of us and only one of you so please please make me that drink, oh yes of course serve all the women first because that’s the last one they are actually buying you dumb stupid person, you are trying to run a business, think about it, who spends the money? Yes douchebags like me that hate you.

...You air TV commercials showing some lady that is dying of lung cancer or something else caused by smoking. We get it, smoking is bad for you, the skull and crossbone warning labels should be just fine, but no, now someone decides to tell the "truth", how about the truth about secondhand smoke, how it's not actually proven to cause cancer? How about the truth that I'm watching TV to escape that miserable place called reality? How about the truth that I hate you?

...You leave me at a table in a bar with the uninteresting, unattractive girl. One minute I'm sitting there talking to two attractive Aussie's, the next minute I'm sitting with the sisty ugler with nothing to say. What happened here? My world just crashed and suddenly I'm pounding my drink so I can have an excuse to get up and stop hating you.

Monday, March 06, 2006

I'd Like to Hate the Academy

...You see something funny on TV , you laugh, and then keep a half ass smile/laugh going in anticipation of something else that might be funny. You are a dope. You stand there with your mouth gaping wide, oh ha ha ha ha Monica really showed Joey that time, I can't wait to see what she does next, well I know, and I hate.

...You are a cute girl walking about 7 feet in front of me and no matter how fast I walk you somehow manage to maintain the 7 foot difference. Um, you're cute, could you please slow down so I can then walk next to you, look over, see that you are listening to your ipod and then have you give me an "I'm freaked out by this creepy dude" look, so then I can hate you.

...You are in the gym locker room and for some reason need to sit when you change. Don't change clothes much do you? That whole standing while taking off your pants is just too complicated, for some reason I'm thinking that if you can't stand and change at the same time, then you have no business being in a gym trying to workout. There is no need for your underwear or bare ass to hit that bench in the locker room, and there is no need for you to be hated.

...You are a fairly chubby girl that gets dumped by her boyfriend, goes out and loses 20 pounds, gets a new boyfriend and then gains 25 right back. I see your little trickery games here, face it, you're chubby, there are plenty of chubby chasers out there, find one of them and stop trying to fool other people into not hating you.

...You have a little piece of chapped lip hanging from your mouth and don't wipe it off. You are repugnant. Chapstick costs about a dollar, go to the drugstore get yourself some, but first go to the bathroom and look in a mirror, get a tissue and get hated.

...You approach a crosswalk, it's a do not cross sign, but you have to walk out into the street to act like a tough guy. You are most certainly showing off aren't you, so cool you don't pay attention to signs, you like to live life on the edge. Without fail a car comes and then you have to hang your head in hate as you walk back to the sidewalk.

...You drop an F bomb in your oscar acceptance speech. I'm totally in favor of making fun of any kind of institution or anything highly regarded, but an F bomb? Try to mock the self indulgence with something intelligent, not that I could do better, but I can hate.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Don't hate so close to me

...You are a cop and feel you disobey all laws. I realize you are a meathead and have no other employable talent than being a bouncer, but this does not make you above the law, you are not working behind the velvet ropes anymore, you can't use your siren to get through traffic and you can't avoid my hate.

...You begin a one on one conversation during a meeting that clearly wastes everyone's time but your own. Worse yet you start a personal conversation in a meeting wasting even your own time and wasting my hate on you.

...You are providng some kind of service to me and feel the need to "connect" by making small talk. Oh how are your kids, how was your weekend, yeah I that sounds great. I don't care about you and you don't care about me, please just cut to the chase here so I can get back to hating you.

…You include your email address in your email signature. Oh thank god you gave me your email address because the fact that you sent me an email never would have told me how to email you. Are people you speak to that slow that they can’t figure this out? How do they even turn their computer on? How do they avoid being hated by me?

…You get ashes on ash Wednesday and leave them on all day. First of all, why does it have to be on your forhead? You don’t need to walk around all day telling people, hey look at me, I’m christian, I went to church today to get ashes and I’m going to give something up for a whole 40 days, wow, that’s tough. Is 40 days really that long of a time for anything? Wasn’t there a movie about a dude trying to give up sex for 40 days? I wish I had so many girls throwing themselves at me that I had to challenge myself to go the 40 days. I wish I knew more normal people so that I wouldn’t have to hate them.

…You have a prison pussy and think you are somehow going to weasle your way into my business trip to Tokyo. No, I don’t need you to come along, I’ll be fine I don’t need you ruining my chances with the local talent. Prison pussies are so 70’s anyway, I would call yours a landing strip. Be thankful you don’t have the au naturale, tame that thing will you, actually go Brazilian so I don’t have to hate you.