Thursday, May 25, 2006

When I think about you I hate myself

...I invite you over to my apartment after a night out and I pass out in mid conversation on the couch. Honestly, who does this? What kind of a freak am I that I drink so much I can't even stay coherent enough to entertain a nice young lady, I only stay coherent enough to hate me.

...I call you and say, hey this Greg. Um retard, I think everyone on the planet has caller ID, such formalities have gone the way of the rotary phone, yet somehow I think people are unable to look at their phone and see my name come up, then I talk in the phone hear my hate come up.

...I write self indulgent blogs and don't even take the time to spell check or use proper grammer. I mean how lazy can I possibly be? That extra half a minute is just too long for me to wait, so instead, I'll have get hated.

...I go on and on about how healthy I eat and how I run 5 miles a day then I go out 3 nights a week and get completely inebriated and smoke a pack of cigarettes. Yeah loser, you'd probably be much better off just being a typical fat American rather than some tool that thinks he's healthy. I'm not fooling anyone here and I'm not avoiding hate here.

...I tell you how I only listen to "good" music, which of course is anything hipster doofus, then I secretly listen to Kelly Clarkson and Avril Lavigne. So the cat is out of the bag, I've considered going as far as to change the names of the songs in my ipod so no one could know, I was too lazy to do that so I decied to go as far as to hate myself.

...I bullshit with you and tell you yeah we definately need to do something, I'll definately call you, yeah we'll definately do that. Yeah I'm kind of bullshit artist and come through maybe 8% of the time. I guess karma is having a great laugh at me when people tell me that and then hate me.

...I keep a guitar in my room to "impress" the ladies. Yeah I'll be damned if I ever actually play it. I use the pathetic tired line, I'm too drunk, because obviously that's the only way a girl is going to be in my room or is it that I'm just always drunk? Either way, it's pathetic and I'm hated.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The way you make me hate

...You say something tastes terrible and then ask me to try it. Ewww this drink tastes disgusting, here taste it. Oh yes please let me try that, pleeeeeeaaassssseeeee? Not only does it look like toilet water, but it must taste like judging but the look on your face. I think you know my response by the hate on my face.

...You call me and say, hi its me. Yes yes I know we all have caller ID, but what makes you think you are so special? I don't think we're on the hi its me basis quite yet, or ever for that matter. I do however, see us being on a hated basis very soon.

...You tell me that you are downloading porn and getting the jurgens when I call and say what are you doing. Figure of speech man, I don't really want to know what you're doing, you see there are some things you say and some thing you keep to yourself, guess which one this is? Right, right, hated.

...You have turkey neck. Can you please not move your head? That thing just flaps around like a flag blowing in the wind. How does that even happen? How does the neck eventually strech out like that? Here's a thought, don't eat those twinkies, get some surgury and get some hate.

...You use your crackberry in a movie theater. You know the no cell phone commercial? That applies to all electronic devices, their is a beautiful cancerous glow eminating from that thing which is reminicsent of the hate eminating from me.

...You are the dickhead that decided to add commericals to movies. You either never go to the movies yourself or you literally have a penis for a face. You must be sentenced to watched the equivalent of 7 years of commercials which serve no other purpose than to get me to hate you.

...You are a crazy lady in a movie theater that decided to get up and walk around as though you were in some kind of trance. I swear you even had the "I am possessed scooby doo" arms in front of you walk going on, I'm still frightened, and I'm still hating.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Don't Hate until you see the whites of their eyes

Give me your tired, your Hated,
Your huddled masses yearning to Hate free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming Hate.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

...You are convinced there is a secret plot by the Mexican government to reclaim the American Southwest. You are obviously retarded and blieve in little green men. We're not living in the 1860's but you probably think so and I probably think you're hated.

...You are adamently against immigration. Listen, this country is founded by immigrants that came here, slaughtered the locals and claimed it as their own. What kind of precedent do you think that sets? It's sets a precedent to be hated.

...You are suddenly concerned with illegal immigrants. You know what? I want the illegal immigrants, I want everyone and anyone that wants to come to this country to come here. Why wouldn't you want people here that want to be here? Why wouldn't you want to be hated?

...You want to build a wall around this country to keep immigrants out. You are obviously missing the whole point of this country. You suck. Some of the greatest contributers to America were first generation immigrants? Why? Because we steal the best and brightest, the poorest and hardest working from other countries and let them come here. You don't want them here? Well we don't want you and we will hate you.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I am the last Hateman poet

I am the last Hateman poet
I see America reading the fabulous I hate yous I make
Americans getting angry on words I write or picture I take

The Hate on the beach
The Hate of your speech
I hate you on the train
But my Hate is written in vain.

I write hate with sarcasm and wit
The Hate on the sidewalk
The Hate when you talk.

I write Hate so sweat and snazzy
The Hate tea
The kamakazi
The Hategasm
The death spasm
The Singapore sling
The dingaling.

America you've just been devoted to every hate I got
But if you want to get pissed off
Why don't you just Hate with a shot?
Hate's open!!

Monday, May 15, 2006

A picture is worth a thousand hates

...You are the person that for whatever reason is incapable of throwing paper towels in the trash can in the bathroom at work.


...You are the person that threw the paper towel to no garbage can when I secretly replaced your regular garbage with nothing and moved it to the other side.


...You are the person that caught on to my trickery, yet still continued to miss the garbage can every single time. Why did you even bother aiming for the trash when it was moved? Just throw it whever you feel like it, in fact I'm going to start throwing mine in your office, if I only found out who you are.

...You are the person that disrupts the natural order of waste disposal when exiting the bathroom. This is how it is supposed to be, but apparently my expectations are too high...

...but not to high to hate you.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a hate

…You insist on clicking every glass in a mass toast. I consider a mass toast to be more than 7 people, now imagine 15 people trying to click glasses with each other after some pointless toast? Is there a rule book somewhere stating that every glass must click? It’s like a drunken twister game except everyone’s standing, you can’t “accidentally” touch a boob and I'm hating you.

…You cut my hair and insist on putting wax in it to “style” it. Ok so when I came into your store, did I have anything in my hair? No. I didn’t. Do I like a look like a guido club guy? No I don’t. Now my hair is all different lengths, most notably it appears you didn’t cut the sides. What is about the word “trim” that salons just don’t understand? My hair was curling around the edges, cut the curls off and let me get out of here so I can start hating you.

…You answer rhetorical questions. You see you are not supposed to answer those questions, get it? Those are questions meant to get you to think to yourself , keeping QUIET instead of being hated.

…You paint your face at sporting events. Please don’t be that guy and don’t make me go to the game with you. The onlything worse is being no shirt guy, it’s always the last person that should have their shirt off too. There has to be no less than 7 inches of belly fat hanging down over your crotch and spilled beer runing over the mound that is your gut like a fountain in a park, but I digress and I hate.

...You are walking towards me on a sidewalk, I'm walking on the right edge of the sidewalk, you are walking on left edge (for those incabable of understand, the person is walking directly at me) and then when you get near me, you don't move, you expect me to move. You the hell do you think you are? Why do you insist on playing chicken? If you had any idea who I am you would know that I have zero intention of moving, but I have every intention of hating.

...You are hosing off the sidewalk. Yes make sure to keep that sidewalk clean, I mean being part of the street we can't have that dirty. Do me a favor while your at it, when I walk by, keep spraying your hose, I'd like for me feet to get wet, not just a little wet either, I mean so soaking wet that water runs down my foot into my shoe soaking my socks, call me crazy, but I like having wet feet almost as much as I enjoy hating you.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Hate will get you like a case of anthrax

…You call the wrong number and I tell you that you have the wrong number, but then you don’t believe me. Why would I just make this up? I obviously don’t know you and don’t want to speak to you. Is this a joke, could it be those stupid guys that would crank call people? Shouldn’t it be prank call? Shouldn’t it be I hate you?

...You are the maintenance guy that come into the stall next to me to refill the toilet paper, opens the dispenser, which then looks right into my stall. So you can obviously tell I'm sitting in there, you can see me, then you open that dispenser and you are looking directly at me, in the eye, then I say, do you mind? Your stupid response is "I'm maintenance". Yeah, well I'm pooping and I'm hating you.

…You send me something by email on the day you said you would and start the email with “as promised”. Oh well just pat yourself on the back, congratutlations to me. I gave myself 10 days to do something and I actually did it, I can’t believe it, I’m just the best and I’m just hated.

…You call girls dude. Dude, you’ve got it all wrong here, as soon as you refer to a girl as dude, all chances for sex immediately go out the window and that’s not what you want to happen. Not to mention that a dude refers to a dude which is a guy, get it? You see boys have a penis, girls have a vagina, there is a difference and there is a hate.

…You regularly check into classmates.com. You got an email from them, you went on there to stalk your high school girlfriend, then you actually paid the money to join? Ouch, I’m sure things will pick up for you soon. How long ago did you graduate? Let it go man, what’s even worse is when you put your picture up there, just to let everyone know how much you are hated.

…You schedule a Monday morning meeting. So this meeting is pointless enough as it is, but then you have to go and ruin my entire week by making it at 8AM on a Monday morning? You suck and serve no functional purpose other than being a victim of my hate.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

I got a lust for hate

...You start 60 Minutes by saying, these stories and Andy Rooney. As if we realyl care about Andy Rooney whinning about how times have changed or how disappointed he is with America's youth or how perfectly he lives his life or how irrelevant and pointless he is or how much he is hated.

...You wear matching jean jacket and jeans. So what's with the jean suit? You do realize you are coordinating denim right? In fact, why are you wearing jean jacket and pants at all, you look ridiculous and you look hated.

...You drink cheap red wine that stains your teeth dark red. Oh god no please do not smile, don't you realize? Not only are you drinking an entire bottle of cheap wine, but you are drinking it at a bar and you are openning your mouth and your getting hated by me.

...You make athletic clothing and feel the need to have a pound of tags hanging off it. Oooohhhh, I see, it's dry fit, I couldn't tell just by looking at it or touching it, I need the novella you've attached to my shorts to tell me that, just like you need this blog to tell you that you are hated.

…You flip your tie over your shoulder when you are eating. Eat much? Try the fork and knife, cut your food, lift with fork, not hands, then place in your mouth, chew then swallow. Simple process that’s happening since the beginning of time. You inhale food, mouth to plate. Yes, occasionally something might fall of your fork, occasionally you may get a splash of salad dressing, but I’d rather have the occasional mishap than the frequent hate.

...You are a guy and have a bouncer "hookup" while smoking a butt. You stand outside smoking your butt and feel the need to have a conversation with the bouncer. This is the same bouncer that stares at your ID which says you are like 35 as if you are 19 trying to sneak in, but now that you've made it in, you're suddenly boys. Not only do you talk to him, but you insist on speaking about the sporting event of the day, because naturally the bouncer must care. You are sadly mistaken my friend, the bouncer does not care, like me, the bouncer hates.

...You are wearing sunglasses and think you can stare at people without them knowing. Yeah that only works if you don't move your head. You see, you can't turn you're entire body 180 degrees to look at that girl's butt without her hating you.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

We come from the land of the ice and hate

...You are protesting to be treated as Americans, yet you wave every flag except an American flag. Do you understand why people hate you? In history, people came to this country and were proud of their new heritage, sure they maintained pride in their old countries, but they were just that, they're old countries, not their hated countries.

...You are adamently against immigration. I for one am all in favor of legal or illegal immigrants. Not many people work harder, four generations from now those families will have obnoxious, apathetic, twentysomething kids that spend half of their adult life trying to find themselves by hating you.

...You "walk out" from your job for a protest or supportest, whatever it's called, of immigration. Ok, this is NY, we like immigrants, we like the services they provide, the jobs they do, please come back to work, I need my food delivered, my dry cleaning delivered, I need a ride home, I need my apartment cleaned, I need my coffee poured and I need to hate you.

...You don't see the irony in you hating immigrants even though we're a country of immigrants. You see, we try to attract people that actually want to be here, they risk their lives to come here for a job, is that not the ultimate work ethic we cherish? The job goes to the hardest working, the one that wants it the most, not the person that is doing it as a temp job while they peddle their screenplay getting hated.

...You complain that immigrants took your jobs. You know who took your jobs? You did, 20 years ago, when I was a kid all people talked about was how in the future people won't have one career at one company their entire life, but will have about 10. You were warned. Get a job doing something, how the hell could go through life doing the same thing for 45 years, what kind of existence is it to push the same button for 45 years, even better, then expect to be well paid for that? It's an immigrant or a machine that's going to replace you, might as well help a poor guy out before he hates you.

Monday, May 01, 2006

People you hate in heaven

...You are Sonic Youth and say ipods are the worst thing that happened to music. So I guess it's time to change your name to Sonic Out of Touch. Maybe they are the worst thing because now people don't have to buy an entire album of shit to listen to one song, which means you actually have to work and be creative to write music that won't make me hate you.

...You are Jesse Jackson. I've hated you before and I'll hate you again, stop showing up at every single protest or problem you are irrelevant and do more harm to a cause than good. Every time you show up everyone says to themself, here we go again and then they hate you.

...You are Susan Sarandon. Susan, susan, susan, pleeeeeease stay home the next time there's a protest, I'll even come over to hang out, keep your mind off things, we'll bake a cake. I mean I like you, I really do, I like your daughter too, even Tim, he's okay, I don't want to hate you....but must you two show up at every single protest? I know you're just tryin' to relive the 60's man, but it ain't gonna happen, sorry, but I hate you.

...You are Rush Limbaugh. You fucking hypocrite. You hate on every one that's not you for using drugs and as it turns out, you're more of an addict than anyone. You are like a priest that lambastes is parishioners for having sex or even shaking hands with the governor, meanwhile you're chasing the 10 yr old alter boys. Rush, you can go to hell, I wish you lost your voice instead of your hearing, but at least I can hate you.

...You are Pat Robertson. One word comes to mind, penis. You are a penis manifested in human form. I'm a little confused as to how your "church" can own a diamond mine in Africa. Aren't you supposed to be in the business of helping people? You know that whole thing about giving up all your worldly possessions, guess you missed that in the entire new testament, but hey without hypocritical assholes like you, I'd have no one to hate.

...You are Steven Spielberg. I'm on a crusade against this obnoxiously pretentious man and rotten movies. I want you to know that he thinks you're all complete idiots. I challenge you to watch one movie of his without having your intelligence insulted. Hey senior spielbergo, you don't have to have to have someone drink a glass of water and have their hand shake to tells us someone is nervous, it's annoying and it's hated.