Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Nightmare on Hate Street

...You are a woman and don't anderstand that your costume must start with the word sexy. You must understand that this is your night, your night to be a little whore, the little whore that you so badly want to be but are just a little afraid on any other day. You are cat? No no no you are a sexy cat. You are a witch? Think again you are a sexy witch. You are a Wearwolf, well now your just hated.

...You are a woman and have no business dressing up as sexy anything yet you still do. Can we please leave this to the girls that are actually sexy? Having a gunt and muffin tops does make sexy, I'm sorry it only makes hate.

...You are 17 and think you can still roam the streets begging for candy. When you are able to get your own job and buy your own candy, you longer have the privelage of going door to door with a stop & shop bag asking me to give you candy, if you do, I will only give you hate.

...You run out of candy and start emptying your cabinets and refridgerator of all the shit you no longer want. A three week old onion does qualify as treat, that's more of a trick in my book and the 7 year old canned peaches is more of a hate in my book.

...You ring my doorbell on Halloween to allegedly ask for candy, yet you are too cool to say trick or treat. Unless you say the magic words, I assume that I hate you.

...You don't wear a costume to a costume party. Maybe you didn't get the memo but costume party means you fucking dress up, you see everyone else that looks likes a retard? It's your turn and it's your hate.

...You dress up in a costume for work when no one else is wearing one and in fact, everyone else is wearing suits because you work in one of the last 3 companies that requires people to wear suits. Yeah this isn't fucking ramparoom here, we're so called adults here. I see Billy, and Susie, and Johnny, and Jenny, and HATE.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

How hated are you?

1. On a down escalator you

A. Walk down the stairs to move along as fast as you can to ensure you to hold up people behind you.
B. Walk down until you get behind someone then give up because you for whatever reason can't rudely say the words excuse me to get by the person in front of you.
C. Step onto the escalator and stand as it carries your lazy ass down a flight a stairs.
D. Take the evelator.

2. When entering a subway you

A. Patiently wait to the side of the doors for people to exit the train and upon the last person to get out, you then allow the cute girl to go ahead of you then proceed to enter.
B. Stand in everyone's way while they try to exit the train, waiting nonetheless, but being a complete nuissance to every person in front of you, then enter the train.
C. Stand to the side of the doors then try to sneak in to race to the only open seat because god forbid you should have to stand.
D. Bum rush the people exiting the train then upon entering the train, stand right by the doors not moving for the people exiting and never moving for the people trying enter.

3. When stopped at a red light you

A. Watch the other side for when it turns yellow and are prepared to hit the gas even before the light actually turns green.
B. Wait patiently for the light to turn green then go.
C. Look everywhere except at the light then when the light turns green and your picking your nose, you take your sweet ass time to finally move thereby keeping at least two cars from making the light.
D. Wait through at least half of the green light before you realize that it's green, then drive at less than 5 miles an hour through the light because the entire world operates and waits for your sole existance.

4. When walking on a sidewalk you

A. Stay to the right hand side mindful of people walking the opposite way you ensure that you leae enough room for people to pass.
B. Walk next to your friend creating a mini wall making it difficult for people to pass.
C. Walk three or people across at a slower pace than people moving backwards, then get annoyed when someone bumps into you.
D. Find as many people as possible, walk next to them at the same pace creating a wall of impassable people then when someone is walking in the opposite direction you refuse to move and watch as the other person stops mid stride so that you bump into them and wonder what the hell this crazy person is doing when in reality it is you that is crazy because you don't understand the concept of a sidewalk where people other than you walk.

5. In a bar you

A. Enjoy the time with your friends, understand the subtlety of getting a bartenders attention, chat it up with the occasional CG, tip well and play good music on the juke.
B. Demand the bartenders attention by making some obnoxious cat call and flashing a $100 bill even though your miller lite is only 6 bucks, think the hot girl wants to talk to you and think you can call fives on a bar stool.
C. Wear your sunglasses
D. Ask me for a cigarette, then ask for another one, then demand another, then think whenever I go for a smoke that you get to have one, then say you are going to get ghetto on my ass when I tell you there is a store across the street that has all the cigarettes you can buy.

6. In the men's room you

A. Use the stalls or urinals on the ends first, do what you need to do, don't speak to anyone, wash your hands when done, throw your paper towel in the trash and then exit.
B. Use the urinal next to me and flush before you're finished peeing thereby leaving a little yellow pool in the urinal for the next person to see and smell.
C. Use the stall next to me when all the others are open, groan and grunt while trying to crap out the fast food you ate for lunch and leave a skid mark in the bowl when done.
D. Use the urinal next to someone, make an inappropriate comment such as, hey there big boy, don't fluch, manage to pee on the floor and leave a 5 inch pubic hair on top of the urinal. You then don't flush and quickly exit the men's room without washing your hands.

7. In the gym you

A. Use the equipment in a non excessive manner, always wear a towel in the locker room and
B. You stay on a treadmill beyond the 30 minute limit during peak hours even though there is a sign right in front of you that says 30 minute time limit during peak hours, not to mention you are walking and talking on your cell phone.
C. You wear a tank top going from weight machine to weight machine where the girls are lifting asking if you can work in then brag about your job as a bouncer.
D. You walk around the locker room naked, then proceed to blow dry your hair, naked, then when getting dressed, you put on your shirt, then socks, then shoes, then your tighty whiteys.

8. In the elevator you

A. See that the button to your floor has already been pushed, think to yourself, hmm this person is going to the same floor as me, then wait patiently moving out of people's way as they enter and exit, then allow the other person to leave first when reaching your floor.
B. Enter the elevator, see that the button to your floor has been pushed, then proceed to push the button 6 more times, accidentally hitting the button to three other floors, then think you are hitting the close doors button but are actually hitting the open doors button and don't understand until someone says something.
C. Enter the elevator don't push any buttons, stand right in the front thereby getting in people's way as they try to exit, ask everytime the elevator stops, is this 28? even though the floor number is lit above the door and as the doors open a huge sign that says the floor number is right in front of you.
D. Enter the elevator, see that there is only one other person standing in the back corner then proceed to stand right next to that person, so close that you are actually touching the other person.

9. On an airplane you

A. Sit quietly in your seat, check your bags and use the rest room only when absolutely necessary because you don't want to bother the very nice, handsome young man sitting in the aisle seat.
B. Carry on a 3 piece matching luggage set that could easily be containing the remains of Andre the giant and three of his clones. You then are baffled why they dont' fit and ask the entire plane to sacrifice their "small personal luggage" space so that you can save 10 minutes when you get off the plane.
C. You request a window seat while knowingly have bladder control issues adn then bother the two people between you and the aisle to get up no less than 13 times during a 2 hour flight.
D. You purchase one seat even though you are the size of three seats, then lift the armrest so that your side fat can expand into the next seat where a normal size individual has purchased the appropriate fare and thought he was going to be able to nap on the flight.

10. At work you

A. Do your job, joke around to break up the day, know the appropriate amount of time to spend in someone's office and don't think the day is a competition of who can work the latest.
B. Enter someone's office, see that they're on the phone, then proceed to start a conversation because for whatever reason you think the world will stop when you speak.
C. Treat the boss' ass as though it were a pacifier. Your lips spend so much time attached to his ass that he has to have three pairs of pants in the office because you get them so wet with the saliva from you kissing it.
D. Use the copier, get a paper jam, then walk away because god forbid you should try to fix it, I mean pulling out a piece of paper is just too much effort and there will always be someone else that comes along to fix it.


Bonus Question: While eating you:

A. Order your food, chew with your mouth closed and enjoy your company.
B. Stick your face into other people's food, to inquire as to what they are eating rather than simply asking.
C. Chew with your mouth open so I can hear every chew and witness first hand the biological process of how humans break down a cheeseburger into stomach bile that is then used for energy.
D. Use your fingers rather than silverware and instead of placing food into your mouth with your hands which is bad enough, you swallow your fingers and occasionally your entire hand so that get the food in your mouth and lick your greasy fingers all at the same time.

Scoring:

For every A give yourself a zero
For every B give yourself one
For every C give yourself two
For every D give yourself four

If you scored a perfect zero you are not hated at all and are lucky enough to remain in my presence.

If you scored between a 1 and 10, I hate you on some occassions, but not so much that I can't talk to you. Every now and then you might use a stall that is right next to someone else even though there are plenty of open stalls, but it's more accidental than intentional. When driving you sometimes drive really slow in the fast lane, but that's mainly because you are engaged in an anti republican debate of some kind.

If you scored between an 11 and 20 you pretty much suck. Every now and then you try to redeem yourself, but deep down, you know you are retarded. You stand on down escalators, you eat on subways and if you are a woman, you don't sit when you pee, you squat and spray pee all over the seat without cleaning it up.

If you scored between a 21 and 35 you have little hope of reversing the damage you've caused to yourself and to others. You've scarred people for life by standing next to someone that is sitting while you are naked, leaving your pup to dangle in people's faces. You stand in the doorways of subways and elevators, you actually take the elevator down one flight even though there is a staircase right in front of you. You not only eat on subways, but you lick your fingers after touching the handles, you've even been seen barefoot on the subway. You purposely drive slow in the fast lane because after all you are driving the speed limit and when some flashes you to move over you scream and curse because you can't understand that going 55 in a 55 is too fucking slow.

If you scored between a 35 and a 40, well congratulations because it's debateable that you can funtion in society. You are a close talker, yet have bad breathe, you eat with your hands and think that picking your nose through a tissue actually covers the fact that you are picking your nose. You voted for Bush because you're not into "issues" and you believe Ann Coulter is anything other than the devil reincarnated. When you throw garbage away, it goes everywhere except the trash can, but then you don't bother to pick it up. Not only do you feel free to roam the locker room naked, but you carry it as a badge of honour and actually prefer the open showers to the private stalls. You walk on sidewalks then stop without any warning, then the 7 other people walking next to you horizontally spread across the sidewalk stop, thereby creating a wall of retards that can only be thwarted by huffing at such a loud decibal that you think everyone else is wrong or rude because you are so hated.

Monday, October 23, 2006

I love the smell of hating you in the morning

…You respond to the common Monday morning greeting of how was your weekend with, oh I didn’t have a weekend I spent it working. Oh well look at you working all weekend, you must be so proud that you’ve sacrificed your life for a corporation that doesn’t care about you. We all get it, you work so hard, your life is so tragic, not to mention that it just happens to be about the time that raises and bonuses are decided, I’m sure that has nothing to do with you working the weekend then making sure everyone knows about it and I’m sure it has nothing to do with me hating you.

…You leave the newspaper in the bathroom stall as either a signal of your laziness or as a poor attempt of a nice gesture. You are either a typical American and just leave your trash wherever you finish it or you think you were doing us all a favor by providing reading material. I can only speak for myself here, but I am in no way touching a newspaper that you handled while pooping. That paper was far too close to your naked balls and poopy stained hands and even closer to my hate.

…You enter through a door just as someone else is leaving, the other person (let’s just say me for argument’s sake) is the one that physically opens the door, you are the one that is entering on a free ride, yet do not defer to the other person to go first, do say thank you for opening the door, and do not give the required mumbled excuse me, while looking down of course because this is a bathroom after all and this is my hate.

…You are a cell phone salesman. I think the sleezy speaker salesman has now been replaced by the sleezy cell phone salesman. You know exactly who you are, you are eurotrash, typically some eastern European country, you listen to only techno, you double as a promoter for the hot new club, you drive a car you can’t afford, you go through a bottle of cologne a week because you see no use in showering twice a day or once for that matter. When someone asks you about a phone you say oh that’s the best, then the same person asks you about the phone right next to it and you say oh that’s the best, then that very same person asks about the phone right next to that and you say, oh that’s the best, and then the same person asks me about my hate and I say oh that’s you.

…You wear sweatpants to a strip club. I know, I know what’s the point of getting a lap dance while wearing jeans. I think I speak for everyone when I say that you have no business walking around with a hard on bumping it into people and knocking drinks over. While this may be a place where naked women jump up and down on your lap, save the sweatpants and the hard ons for the champagne room and I’ll save my hate for you.

…You exit the elevator in all the excitement of other people exiting the elevator, yet you get off on the wrong floor. I know it’s such an exciting moment when everyone gets out and you want to go along with the crowd. Then you get into the lobby and realize, hmm, this isn’t my floor, this isn’t even my company but it is actually my hate.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I walk through the valley of the shadows of hate

...You have a mole that has a 2 inch hair growing from it. I don't understand how you can manager to shave your whole face, yet somehow you allow that one hair to grow beyond your chin. You have to notice this, there is no way you stand in front of the mirror and miss this a long hair hanging off your face and miss my hate of your face.

...You see that I have food in my teeth and you don't say anything. Apparently you prefer to look at people with a piece of lettuce on their front tooth and then you like to see them smile so it looks like they have rotten teeth. Better yet, when it's chocolate and the person looks like they've just eaten poop. Better still when it's you and it looks like hate.

...You work at starbucks and ask my name then when my drink is ready you scream my name at the top of your lungs with smile from ear to ear. Why are you so happy to call out people's names? There's only me and one other person here, I think you can lay off the name calling because if you can remember who had the venti ice coffee and who grande triple mocha frappa fat free decaf ice cappicino with a shot of expresso then you need to take my next order of hate.

...You pull your pants up past your belly button. I think back in the early Sinatra days circa 1925 this was popular, then in the early 80's there was a bit of resurgence with revenge of nerds and then the last time it was arguably acceptable was with the Z cavariche's, but in any era, at any time, it's unacceptable. Picture a woman wearing pants pulled up to just below her breasts, then look at her ass, that's right you can't fucking see it, there's back, literally a back that extends from her shoulders all the way down to my hate.

...You make toilet paper so thin that you can only tear off the paper, one sheet at a time. Why do they make these sheets a 2 by 2 square? Is anyone really using just one sheet? Remind me not to shake their hand. One sheet should be about 2 feet long, that way, I'd only have to use 5 at a time. In fact, why are we still using toilet paper at all? Wet wipes my friends, wet wipes. I'm on a mission to convert this world to wet wipes, you get mud on your hands, do you then wipe off your hands with a dry piece of paper? No of course not, and that's just mud. No wonder why we have poopy in our spinach and no wonder why we have my hate in you.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Hatin it up in an Elevator

…You think that sending some email to the daily news about subways is an adequate way to vent your frustration, but little did you know that subways are only the tip of the iceberg, there is hate to be found in any venue, some come one and come all to the greatest hates volume 2 – The Elevator Years.

…You are waiting to go up in an elevator, the light indicates that an elevator has arrived going in the direction of – up. You then take half a step into the elevator and ask is this going up? No it isn’t, we’ve rewired the entire building’s elevator system so that up means down and down means up, but then sometimes we switch it back, just to keep you on your toes. Is there a place where the elevator arrows just aren’t enough assurance that it’s going in the right direction that you feel compelled to ask before entering and where I am compelled to hate you?

…You approach an elevator bank, you see that the button has been pushed, you then approach and push again because apparently when I pushed the button, it didn’t work, but now that you’re here, we can rest assured knowing that you played an integral role in the elevator’s arrival. What’s worse is when you repeatedly push the button, then the elevator opens seconds later and you give a smug look of accomplishment as though you really did cause the elevator to open earlier than it would have if I was standing there hating you.

…You enter an elevator as soon as the doors open, before those on the elevator have a chance to get off. Who the fuck are you to think you are the only person in existence, do you really think this elevator is your own personal lifting device? Is it really worth the bum rush to get on the elevator before it empties? You know what happens next don’t you? Everyone, myself included, pushes you back out and then hates you.

…You enter an elevator, realize you forgot something, then proceed to announce to everyone that you forgot something and have to go back. You don’t necessarily even say it out loud to everyone, but you say it in a loud whisper, loud enough for everyone else to hear, but soft enough for you to think that you really just talking to yourself. Then you have to overdramatize your disappointment with yourself in how you could possibly forget something. I get it, it happens people forget things then have to go back, wouldn’t you rather keep everyone else guessing as to why this person is going back up when they just got to the lobby? Would you rather not get hated?

…You enter an elevator, ride all the way to the bottom, then don’t get off the elevator. What’s wrong with you? Do you just enjoy riding the elevator up and down? Does this lifting device amaze you that much that you just can’t seem to keep yourself from riding up and down out of fascination for this wonderful invention that’s only 150 years old? Or did you forget something and not do the just loud enough whisper to let everyone else in the elevator know that you forgot something and won’t be getting out and will be getting hated?

…You are in an elevator with your best girlfriend and other people and decide to have a conversation. Not just a barely audible conversation that people have when they are in public, not just a normal decibal conversation that people have all the time, no, you insist on speaking above levels of conversation that would be heard on airplane runways. You shout, and you are standing right next to me with your poopy breathe mouth right next to my face and your poopy looking face right next to my hate.

…You enter an elevator without paying attention to the direction (see up or down) and then realize after three stops that it is going in the opposite direction, you then ask in half question, half statement tone, oh this is going up? No dipshit, it’s going down but the numbers go in reverse order in this building, maybe you didn’t notice, 38, 39, 40, here we are at the lobby and here we are at my hate.

…You step into an elevator and see that I am the only person in it, standing in the back righthand corner, yet you walk in straight to the back and proceed to stand right next to me. So you’re that guy huh? You stand next to people to invade their personal space on purpose, you think it’s funny? Well how about this? Next time you are peeing, I’m going to stand at the urinal next to you and tell you that I like your watch. Then when you are allegedly washing your hands, I’m going to use the same sink as you at the same time. Then when you are leaving the building and about to enter the elevator, I’m going to hate you.

Monday, October 09, 2006

People are hated When you're a hater

...You are practicing playing your recorder as you wait at a crosswalk. I'm walking home from work, this guy gets to a crosswalk and has to wait, what does he, what else? He pulls out his recorder from his suit jacket and starts jamming and this guy was fantastic. The light changed to WALK, he put the recorder back into his suit jacket and I hated.

...You are walking down the sidewalk wearing a viking hat (the kind with horns) and bright purple viking cape, like the football team viking. So are you a vikings fan? I can't tell, but no matter now much you love the vikings, you should be aware that your level of love for the vikings is not even a fraction of my level of hate for you.

...You are the guy that was walking with our Viking fan friend in regular street clothes as though it is perfectly normal to see a grown man wearing a purple cape and horned hat. How empty must one's life be to go through such lengths to wear this costume to "support" his team at a bar where the players can't see him? How angry and pathetic must I be to talk the time to meticulously hate you.

...You refer to clothing that someone is wearing as "street clothes". What makes clothes street clothes? Anything other than a uniform? I'm confused because you can wear anything on a street, just like you can hate anything on a street.

...You are my father that was driving me to the train and had to leave over an hour before the train was even due to arrive even though the station is only 15 minutes away. While a short drive, you proceed to start driving in the complete opposite direction from where we needed to go because "we had time". We had so much time, that I still managed to barely make the train, and I still managed to hate.

...You have a myspace page and are over the age of 22. Um those 794 friends are in actuality 5 people you know in real life, 5 famous people, 4 people you knew from childhood and 780 stalkers. I'm among the hated here, but only out of a sociology experiment to try and figure out the point of all of this and of course to promote my hate of you.

...You are over the age of 22 and have some quiz on myspace about likes and dislikes and if you ever got fingered and if you ever liked someone from history class and if you ever made out in public and if you have pubic hair and if you are really a 47 year old man in dark sunglasses that parks his car by the entrance to school and if you are really hated by me.

...You have a myspace page and have so much shit on there that the page can never load and eventually freezes your computer at which point you force me to restart and lose the hate I've been writing because I god forbid I should hit save. Come on people, you put a couple pictures up, you make your little background pink and then you get hated.

...You have a myspace page and you have pornstars for "friends". So what are you trying to say here? You enjoy jerking off to these women or do you actually think you're friends? I'm sorry to tell you they are in this to make money, just like that stripper that's extra nice to you, the hot waitress or the hot lesbian bar tender, they're nice to you because they have to be. I've got news for you though, I'm not in it to make money, I'm here to hate you.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Professor Plum, in the billiards room with my HATE

...You do not understand the need for my suburban survival pack that I must bring whenever my travels bring me up to the burbs. What is this suburban survival pack you ask? Well allow me to elaborate. This pack contains very useful and necessary items such as:

- a baby gift, because everyone in the burbs is having kids, you might as well be prepared.

- a dog leash, because everyone has a dog and sometimes you have to work off the room and board for the weekend by doing chores

- a bottle of bug spray, because people in the burbs love to drink outside in the woods, where every mosquito and tick seems to find me

- a bottle of fine wine because people in the burbs seem to buy a new house every two years so chances are, you'll need a housewarming gift

- a bag of starbucks because they are not on every corner in the burbs, you may actually go 10 minutes without running into one, so you are forced to brew your own

- a list of 5 people from whom you can borrow a car, preferred customer cards from several car rental companies to go on your key chain and as a last resort a jimmy to break into a car because apparently people in the burbs have yet to discover the amazing human ability of WALKING

- a bottle of Xanax, because when you make the journey up the burbs, you kind of feel guilty if you don't stop by to see your parents and the only way to get through that event is to be sedated

- a sweatshirt that is a size too small. In the burbs the proper attire is old faded sweatshirt where the sleeves don't quite make it to your wrist and of course you must have on gap jeans. This is what people wear, I can't explain it, but I can follow the rules

- an update on Women's basketball. No one in the world cares about women's basketball, unless you are in the burbs of CT and you might as well read up on it, because you'll be stuck in several hour long discussions on this very topic

- a direct link to ihateyouif because as it suggests....

Monday, October 02, 2006

Good things come to those who hate

...You are still writing checks. Let's see how can I make my life more complicated, well I could write checks and have to show two forms of ID, physically write out the check and hold up an entire line of people that have graduated from the school of common sense. I plea, no insist, that there is one line for people still living in 1952 that use cash and checks and let all the other people use cards so they can get on with their life and hate you.

...You have some kind of "discount" or "membership" card and give some a tag that has to go on a key chain. Do you think people enjoy carrying around a rolodex on their key chains? This massive wad is supposed to fit in my pocket? My hate is supposed to fit on this blog?

...You are in a supermarket purchasing three carriages of groceries, you stand there watching the cashier ring up your 30 cans of cat food doing absolutely nothing to move the process along by bagging your own fucking groceries. Nope, you can't possible lift a finger can you? You might burn some of the 18 million calories you just purchased and you might actually avoid my hate.

...You send a wedding invitation and can't simply just put the time, but have to write is some type of pseduo old English. We request your presence at the church at thirty minutes past the hour that is two hours after fourteen hundred hours on the first saturday after the first full moon after the twenty first of the month May in the two thousand and sixth year after the birth of my hate of you.

...You roll into your local starbucks and order a tall coffee in venti cup. Well no, then what you want is a venti from which you will pour out half and fill the rest of your cup with heavy cream and 27 sugars. You don't get to just make up your own rules, but I get to make up my own hate here.

...You are in the 10 items or less line and think 40 cans of catfood counts as 1 item. I realize you live along with 10 cats, haven't had sex since you got drunk in college, pay for your food with checks or count out the exact change so you can use your pennies, but what you are also doing is holding me up and since I am the center of the universe, you are also getting hated.

...You are introduced to someone, you meet you say hello, you have a dreadful conversation, then you proceed to see each other another 5 or 6 times, each time being introduced and each time you saying you have met this person. No you haven't just met someone for the 6th time, you can only meet someone once, but you can be hated several, several times.

...You are at an ATM, you are for whatever reason filling something out, making deposits and withdrawals and whatever else annoying people do, but rather than complete your paper work which is apparently more complicated than a tax return, you do this right at the ATM so the 7 people waiting in line to get cash for the bar next door have to stand around thinking about how much they hate you.