Friday, December 29, 2006

The Hate is back in town

…You ask me to bring you something I’ve been working on for you to review and get an update. I diligently drop this by your office. You decide to look at it tomorrow at which point you ask me to bring you what I’ve been working on for you to review. Is this fucking groundhog day? Why is your life so much more important than mine that you can’t bother to keep two pieces of paper on your desk? Perhaps you would like me to bring you something else I’ve been working on for review, it’s called my hate of you.

…You send me a calendar as a Christmas gift. Wow, another calendar, well thank you for such a thoughtful gift, no one has ever sent me a calendar with their company logo before, how personal. It’s times like these that we really cherish our friends and colleagues, I mean to take the time to add my name and address to your company’s holiday gift mailing list, really means more than you could ever know and I hate you more than you could ever know.

…You postpone a meeting with me but wait until I show up at your office to tell me because you are apparently just too important for me. Why even schedule a meeting at all? You tell me you want to meet, I say okay when, you tell me to get on your calendar with your assistant, I say okay, I schedule for 10AM, I show up, you say you are just too busy to make time for 15 minute meeting, I say okay, you tell me to come back at noon, even though I’ll be ravenously starving, I say okay, at noon you tell me you will come by my office when you have time, I say okay, you show up at my office as I’m shutting down my computer at 6, I say I hate you.

…You talk about an old person as though he’s not in the room when in reality he’s sitting right next to you. They may have some of the same requirements as a 2 year old, such as diaper changing and drooling, but the old folks can still hear you and still understand what you are saying. It doesn’t do you any good to spell things out, they’re old, not illiterate. Maybe I’ll start spelling things out so you can’t understand, I-H-A-T-E-Y-O-U.

…You use words like obsequiously. Yeah we get, you went to law school, look at you, you’re so smart with your smarty talk. Well this ain’t the LSAT, this ain’t law school, this ain’t “a motion”, but this is certainly hate.

…You are in a store and need assistance, you see me and ask if I can help you. Do I look like I work here? I guess you didn’t notice when I was standing right next to you and asked the person that actually does work there to check to see if they have something for me? I guess when I first told you that I don’t work there didn’t quite sink in either because you asked me 3 more times. Ok yes, now I do work here and now I hate you here.

…You are a 20 year guy that works in Victoria’s Secret. Why do you know so much about bras? If you were gay, I would maybe understand, but you look like an idiot teen-ager with acne, yet your knowledge of women’s brassieres is remarkable. At what point do you say to yourself, I want to sell bras? Wait a minute, I think you found a loophole in the system and I think you just found a loophole in my hate.

…You are running for a bus when you are about 20 feet from the bus stop and the bus hasn’t even gotten there yet. Did you miss the 10 other people waiting at the stop? You must be afraid it’s just going to keep on going ignoring the route and schedule. I guess the other bus directly behind it wasn’t enough assurance that you would get on one of them, but it was enough assurance that you would get on my hate.

…You claim that the average wait time between trains on the subway is less than 5 minutes. That apparently does not apply to any subway trains I’ve ever taken which seem to require 15 minute waits. The average time isn’t exactly an indicator of realistic waits, for whatever reason 4 trains will come one immediately after another with less than 20 seconds of wait time, then as soon as I get there, 30 minutes go by for the next one. Take the average of the 5 wait times and you get less than 5 minutes and then you get my hate.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Hate is the house; hate is in your mouth

…You are on the subway towards the middle of the train as people are exiting, you remain where you are until the last person has exited the train, then in that split second before people bum rush for the one open seat, you decide to move right up front to the entrance thereby blocking everyone from getting on the train. It’s a pole position to exit the train at the next stop, not even the current stop. This will then save a total of half of one second, that extra half second could total about 3 extra minutes a year. Think about what you can do with that extra three minutes. How about this? Logon to www.ihateyouif.blogspot.com, read today’s post and see that you are hated

…You have a name that starts with L or M or N. I guess you just don’t really want me to call you do you? I mean that extra 10 seconds it takes me to scroll to find your name is so crucial in determining if I should call you or if I should just simply hate you.

…You dial into a conference call 20 minutes late after a 19 minutes rambling by one of the participants. You then wait until the entire call is over another 20 minutes later, then ask to recap the first half of the call which somehow now takes 25 minutes because we’ve spent the additional 5 minutes hating you.

…You say you want to tag team something. Note how I have said something, not someone. The phrase tag team brings one thing to mind and it has nothing to do with work. Perhaps my mind is so deep in the gutter, but people please, stop using words that represent a dirty, yet elusive, act, then and only then will I stop hating you.

…You are under the age of decrepit old lady and are using a basket with wheels to carry your groceries, your laundry, your purse or even an empty basket. Is it really that difficult to carry two bags? Try functioning like an actual human being and I try hating you.

…You enter the bathroom, wash your hands, then proceed to a stall where you blow your nose. Next you return to the sink to wash your hands, just in case, then return to the very same stall, this time to build your crow’s nest. Your crow’s nest, however, is different than conventional wisdom would have us believe, you crumple paper into little balls, 7 to be exact, you then strategically place them around the seat of the stall, placing 3 paper seat thingys (yes that is the technical term) over the balls of paper as if to create a cushion for your fat ass that hangs over the sides. Once the nest is fully secure, you return to the sink for another wash. After your wash, it’s back to the stall for some dirty work. 45 minutes later, you emerge from stall after having given 3 flushes to ole poop catcher. You wash your hands, dry them, then grab 4 paper towels to act as a hand condom protecting you from my hate as you open the door.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Hate of Endearment

…You chime in on an email chain that took place 3 days ago. You see, in the real world, everyone is slacking off at work, emailing their friends and responding within seconds to a conversation that’s occurring. But let me set this in terms that you might be able to understand. Say you get a pony express message from a distant friend that lives a whole 10 miles away. Well when the horse and messenger arrive, you immediately read the message and reply while the messenger is there so that 7 days from now, your friend will get the message and then you will get my hate.

…You reset your alarm as soon as you wake up regardless of whether or not it’s a Friday or you’re going away for three weeks or you’re a dirty stay out. Alarms are to be set right before you go to bed, not right when you wake up, there’s a good chance you won’t be there in the morning to turn it off at which point an unsuspecting roommate has to turn it off or a poor innocent neighbor has to hear a beeping sound from 6AM to 9AM at which point that neighbor has to break into your apartment just to hate you.

…You see that I order mozzarella sticks and you say oh that sounds good, but then don’t order them for yourself. I know you are just going sit there while I eat mine and you will drool until I offer you one, then since there are only three we will both sit there staring at the last one, me feeling guilty for eating something you want even though I’m the one that ordered it and you sitting there thinking that you’d really like to have the last one, but don’t want to be rude forgetting that you already are. In the end the waiter ends up taking away the last one while I end up hating you.

…You stand 3 feet away from the urinal while peeing. So you may have a stream that can reach for majority of your urination, but at some point the faucet will run dry and it will taper off to a mere dribble at which point you are now just peeing on the floor and on yourself and on my hate.

…You are at the gym and are apparently wearing the same clothes for well over a month without washing them. The entire treadmill area smells so repugnant, I dry heaved while running 7 times and held my breathe for the last two minutes which still cut my run short. How on earth are you not throwing up from your own smell? I’d rather be a hair on the ass of the nastiest bum in NY on a 100 degree July afternoon than to have to run next to you one second longer without hating you.

…You place your gym bag on the bench at the gym and then place your sneakers right next to them. Please go right ahead your majesty, us peasant folk will sit on the floor to tie our shoes while your stank ass sneakers can in no way be placed on the floor, no, they belong right there on the bench so no one can use it while in the presence of royalty and in the presence of hate.

…You are a credit card company that receives my payment in the form of a check (don’t ask me why I sent a check in the first place), you don’t cash it for over a month, then turn off my charging privileges so I call and state that I will pay online, you say you will return my check to me, then once I’ve paid online you decide to cash the check. When I paid online I should have just accepted the fact that my check would definitely be cashed and if I didn’t pay online I should have accepted that I would definitely hate you.

…You drive a Saturn. Please oh please have some self respect will you? I don’t care if you are not loaded and can’t afford a beamer, but a Saturn? I would rather drive a bicycle with training wheels than a Saturn. And by chance you are enough of a tool to own and drive said Saturn, well then you must never speak of it, you must never tell a story that involves your Saturn, especially to me when other people might be within earshot of your patheticness. You must never admit to driving one when someone asks what kind of car you have and must never forget that you are hated by me.