Thursday, January 18, 2007

Absence makes the hate grow fonder

...You write “please advise” in a personal email. Hey what are you doing tonight, please advise. What a way to take a personal email to a friend and corporatize it the point that I vomit. Have you become so jaded by the man that you can’t differentiate? Is your company literally reading every email so now you have to pretend that even personal emails are “work related”? Please advise, and please hate.

...You are the makers of my boxer shorts and make the button on the fly so frail that it never stays buttoned, now I just move and the pup is dangling free in my pants thereby negating the point of underwear altogether. A strong wind and there is my prize for all to see, thanks Tommy. Changing in the locker room means I’ve now become the 80 year old pantsless wonder and it means the hater has become the hated.

...You say you want to learn another language and then state that you really need to get back into studying pig latin. Now when I hear someone say they want to learn a new language I immediately think Spanish, French, Japanese, Mandarin, but you’ve brought this to a new level. I’m sorry to break the news but pig latin is not derived from actual latin or from anything at all. A couple more shockers, no santa, no easter bunny, no toothfairy. I also hate to break the news to you, but I atehay ouyay.

...You are JT. That’s right Timberlake, I mean you. You break up with Cameron Diaz only to find one of the few hotter women in Scarlett. This is utter bullshit. There are millions of starving men sitting home and you go and have yourself a pussyopoly, not cool. Spread the wealth and I’ll stop spreading the hate.

...You let off a grunt and then a massive sigh of relief while visiting your local office bathroom stall. No shame huh? You’ve just given up on life. You may as well show up to work in man juicy and we forget about converting you to baby wipes, you’re a quick once over wipe pull the draw string juicy pants and your on your way, not even bothering to wash the hands, but still bothering to get hated.

...You call me on the phone for a discussion yet you sit in the office right next to me. I know that walk over is just too much, strenuous activity such as walking next door or speaking slightly louder than normal is just too much, you might after all burn an extra 10 calories for the day and we can’t have that, but we can have hate.

...You are a newscaster and have that omnipresent pen in your hand. You hold that pen as though you are diligently taking notes and actually asking a follow up question instead of accepting answers like, stay the course. Your new name is Bob Dole and that’s not meant to be a compliment. Carrying around a pen does not make you looks more intelligent or more serious, it just makes you look hated.

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