Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Birds of a Feather Hate Together

You walk by my office 37 times a day and say hi every single time. The first hello, is sufficient for the entire day, I prefer that be sufficient for an entire lifetime, but understanding the social norms, once a day is acceptable. Every agonizing minute that I’m at work? Well my friend we don't take to your kind round these parts, we hate your kind round these parts.

You are waiting for an elevator but haven’t pushed the button. Yes I too try to find ways to waste time at work, however I prefer to actually leave the building or do some constructive blogging. You for whatever reason find enjoyment and fulfillment in eternal waiting, you’ve created your man made purgatory waiting to enter the pearly gates of hate.

You think the movie Dreamgirls is an oscar worthy movie. Since when did the CBS Movie of the week become award winning? I think I remember this the first 17 times I saw this when it was called, The Jacksons, Ray, The Buddy Holly story, Walk the Line, La Bamba, Selena, Little Douce Coupe: The Brian Wilson Story, etc, etc. Do people really enjoy this? I mean I like Seinfeld re-runs as much as the next guy but eventually I get tired of it and eventually I hate it.

You ask me if I think you are fat. Oh god, here it comes, if I say no, you either think, great he hasn’t noticed, now I can binge for another month at which point you’re tipping your all time max or you think I’m lying and then start wonder what else I’m lying about and then inquisition begins. If I say yes, enter the tears. There is no way for a man to answer this question, honest or not so please stop asking and maybe then I can stop hating.

You tell me you’ve been looking for a rich, non-hairy, oil heir to sweep you off your feet and take you away, but instead you found me. Uh thanks? Let’s think about this, I’m not rich, I’m hairy and I stand to inherit nothing but debt. At least we can see that this relationship is off to a great start and it sounds like a match made in hate.

You push the up elevator button then stand in front of it so that no one can hit the down button. I know you see that there are 6 elevators and I know you know you’re not the only person in existence, so what makes you think no one else should have the privilege of leaving this floor? Just stand right there, I’ll wait until your elevator comes, I’ve got no where to be other than right here hating you.

You place your coat on the bar stool next to me when there are already about 9 other coats about to topple over. Now that I’m the one next to the stool, I’ve been by default elected coat czar to make sure no one’s coat falls to the floor. This is a tall order for a drunken whiskey drinker, one can’t expect me to referee the bar stool coat jenga game taking place right before my hate.

3 comments:

Nate said...

Re: Dream Girls: A big, fat, fucking AMEN! It is about damn time someone stops the excessive gushing over that movie. On the plus side, it is fun to watch Beyonce grit her teeth over the fact that nobody cares that she was even in the movie.

Doofi said...

Beyone was in it? hmmm....I think I hate it even more.

maven said...

"CBS Movie of the week"--excellent!

Hey, yesterday at the gym I saw a guy in nothing but his undies (briefs, of course) blow drying his shirt under the hand dryer, with a big grin on his face. Man, I hate the men's locker room more than anything.