Thursday, January 25, 2007

I am Man; Hear me Hate

...You are a manny. Grown men do not belong caring for young children. I don’t care how much you love children or how caring you might be or anything, there is always that sneeking suspicion that you're going to end up on dateline. There’s a certain creep element involved here and there is a certain hate element involved.

...You are manorexic. I’ll admit, I had a bout with the manorexia for about a week, but then I came to my senses. As a huMAN you need to eat, you need to maintain a certain level mass, so as to avoid looking sick. The atrophied muscle look is sooooooo 2 years ago while the hated look is sooooo you.

...You wear a man fur. There are only two men in modern times that can pull off the man fur: Don King and Joe Namath. Anyone else should be shot on site as you are easily mistaken for wild game, the most dangerous game. The next time I see an alleged man in a full length mink with a man tan and man jewelry, I’m going to point, snicker and hate.

...You wear Manery. Street name: Man Jewelry. You know who you are, you are still wearing the double hoop earrings, perhaps the diamond stud has supplanted one of those hoops. You don a gaudy chain necklace with some sort of charm at the end, perhaps a skull or pirate paraphernalia taking your cue from Captain Jack. You have as many rings as you do fingers, all to along with your oversized belt buckle and my oversized hate.

...You use a man purse. No it’s not fashionable and it’s not even “metro”, it’s simply feminine. Men are not granted to wear a purse. I have to caveat, that gay or straight it doesn’t matter. As a man you required to carry each item separately, which explains the recent popularity of the blazer look. You carry your phone, your ipod, your smokes, your keys, your cash, your cards, your Listerine breath strips and my hate.

...You are a murse. Sure a man can be a nurse, just like a man can be a dancer and an interior decorator and a hair “stylist” and a construction worker. Hey listen, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being a male nurse, some of my best friends are male nurses, my father’s a murse, but seriously it’s good for a chuckle and it’s good for a hate.

...You have a man period. Every 28 days your auntie flo comes to visit you right? You don’t like your aunt flo, she makes you irritable and emotional, she makes you want binge on chocolate and watch pretty woman. Wait, for a second there I got a little confused, I thought I was referencing a woman, but instead an over emo, gender confused, I have nothing better to do, hated man.

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