Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I'm gonna keep on hating you

You are older than me and feel you need impart your “wisdom” on any and all conversations. Just because you have about 25 years one me doesn’t mean you know anything at all. You sit in your world and talk about how great life was 30 years ago and how much it sucks now, I’ll sit here in my world an realize that things change and that you are hated.

You work at starbucks and announce the drinks as you are making them. Nevermind your narration, you see this line of 13 people? Yeah they wants thems some coffee they don’t want a performance. I realize you have that audition this afternoon, but face it, you’re not getting the part, your screenplay sucks, I need my coffee now and I hate you now.

You bring out the order to me at a restaurant, I point it out to you, then you get pissed at me because you are the one that sucks. See here, you made the mistake, you wrote down the thing, which is only half the battle, you need to finish, you need actually be able to read it back to the chef. I don’t even care that you messed it up, it happens, but then to get pissed at me for your error, well missy, that gets you hated.

You use a handkerchief. You don’t just use it, but you use it, then place it back in your pocket to be used again in the not too distant future prior to washing it. You blow your nose into a cloth that now sticks together, is mushy and is soaking wet. Then when I sneeze or have a stuffy nose you offer me your handkerchief. There are few things that are less sanitary and there are few things that are less hated.

You have your pet’s name on your answering machine. Awwwweeee how adorable, little buttercup can’t come to the phone either. You either think it’s so cute that the crazy people don’t differentiate species when leaving messages in spoken language or you think it’s cute because you are imaging buttercup’s little paws trying to answer the phone. Whatever your imagination and how ever you view this as cute, you are still hated by me.

You are the person that decided on sheet of toilet paper would be 3 inches by 3 inches. Is anyone really wiping with just one sheet at a time? You may as well just use your hand. They all know we need to wad (or fold if that’s you) and this takes at least 24 sheets to avoid the poopy hands. Forget the sheets, you only need one wet wipe, and you only need one hate.


alison said...

i love the ongoing wet-wipe evangelism.

Doofi said...

some people spread the word of god, some people spread the word of good will, some people spread the word of peace. I spread the word of cleanliness and I spread the word of hate.

carrie said...

But don't you have to carry the wet wipes with you, then? I guess I don't care to have to haul extra accoutrements with me to the bathroom. Maybe if they installed wet wipe dispensers...

Doofi said...

First, all situations involving the need for the wet wipes should be handled in the comfort and privacy of your own home. B, carrying a wet wipe or two for emergencies is a small price to pay to ensure cleanliness. Finally, the whole system of clensing poop with dry paper is barbaric, as babies we are given the comfort of wet wipes, as adults we are told to suffer, well I don't buy it, I only hate it.