Monday, January 08, 2007

Sgt. Pepper’s hated health club band

…You are a January joiner at the gym. You sit around on your fat lazy ass all year drinking bud heavy every weekend, take out and fast food. You have no concept of a healthy lifestyle except for the first two weeks of January. You use every single cardio machine for no more than 8 minutes at a time because if you stayed on for an actual workout you might work up a sweat at which point I’d have to hate you.

…You feel the incessant need to weigh yourself in the nude in the locker room in plain view. You are wearing nothing but a washcloth that barely covers your crack but you think this will make your break you when you weigh yourself. The extra 2 ounces of weight is not going to throw off the scale and will provide a lifetime of benefit to people like me who now having witnessed your wretched nakedness, have the most horrific images permanently burned into my memory and permanently burned into my hate.

…You walk around the locker room barefoot. I would never let my skin touch the disease ridden floors anyway, but what makes me curious is why you would. It’s obvious to everyone else that it is you spreading fungus throughout the locker room, my entire body feels infested with fungus just from the sight of those feet and I can’t be sure that you are not carrying bed bugs in your gym bag. Do us all the favor and wear something on your feet so I can stop hating you.

…You are changing in the gym locker room and place your bare ass on the bench. It is on the bench right next to your sneakers which somehow deserve a seat, right next to the shoes you wore to the gym, again curiously deserving a seat. Further on down the bench you will find your dirty gym bag and then right next to that, taking up the rest of the bench you will find none other than everything else that was in the gym bag, now placed outside the bag right next to it on the bench. You have somehow managed to take up an entire bench so me and 5 other dudes have put our shoes on standing up or completely bent over at which point someone will walk around the corner and so that his crotch hits my ass and then I hit you with hate.

…You are a perfectly healthy individual at the gym and take the elevator from the first floor to the second. You came to the gym to workout right? Ok just making sure because that whole walking up a flight of stairs might tire you out for the 1 mile you are going crawl in 45 minutes. Why even come to the gym? What kind of laziness drives someone to take an elevator at the gym when they are there to exercise and I’m there to hate.

…You are a January joiner at the gym and don’t understand the simple code of the cardio. There are basic rules any idiot can learn by viewing the process for no more than 37 seconds. There is a line, every treadmill is being used, you approach the line and see that a treadmill frees up, then begin to walk towards it not understanding why 5 people in line are yelling at you. You get on the treadmill, still clueless to the existence of other humans on this planet, you begin to run until you see an angry individual that is about to spit on you, but instead he decides to hate on you.

…You come to the gym after having just sprayed yourself with perfume. Ok, I know there are going to be some steakheads at the gym and that gets you all excited. But the perfume is an unnecessary step that makes me nauseous when I’m trying to run. You are on par with the guy that farts with every stride on the treadmill and you are right on par with my hate.

…You come to the gym and stand right in front of scanner while you search for your ID thereby blocking the 10 people behind you from entering. That’s it, take all the time in the world because you are the center of the universe, the moon and the stars revolve around you, in fact why even work out? Being the center of the universe and all you don’t need to be healthy, you don’t need to be fit, you just need to be hated.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

the gym was packed today, you're right. We didn't even weigh ourselves nude in the military for our fitness exam. The scanner thing really bugs me.

You usually have a good minute to walk from your car to the door of the gym and you decide to fish out your card at the very last second? Come on, people!

Hell has to be a men's locker room. Today I walked in and big, fat guy was just sitting there, naked, too tired to even put his clothes on, as if to say "Welcome to the gym."

Doofi said...

or welcome to my hate.