Thursday, January 11, 2007

Under the cherry hate

…You schedule a meeting between 12 and 1 in the afternoon. Lunch? No I don’t need to eat, who needs that. My life is apparently at your disposal and thank you for considering my dietary needs because I’m still jittery from all the caffeine I had to ingest just to make it through the meeting at 7:30 this morning, a meeting that consisted of nothing other than your senseless dribble and my meaningful hate.

…You proclaim a corporate catch phrase of work life balance when in fact you view work and life as opposing values. Balance to you means waiting until 5:30 to come to my office to have a discussion about something that is so basic and simple that my 2 year old nephew understands yet you can’t grasp after 17 after hour meetings. Balance to you means calling meetings at 7 in the morning so that I have to wake up before the sun comes up because you like to punish everyone for your insomnia. Balance to me means hating you.

…You act as a peeping Tom outside my office when I’m clearly on the phone. You see this black plastic device attached to my ear? That’s called a telephone. Do you see how I am speaking into it? That means I’m having a conversation. You see how you are standing at my door starring at me as though your presence will prompt me to end my call which happens to just be me on hold with a call center? That’s me hating you.

…You are providing the unsolicited audio version of your autobiography and use the phrase, “in my prior life”. So you are that small percent of intelligent species that believe in reincarnation or you are just coo coo, coo coo. We understand, you had a job before this one, most people have, and we get it, you think you are old because you are 35. Stop fucking reminding us so I can stop fucking hating you.

…You ask a question every single time a person holding a meeting asks if there are any questions. I understand, you feel neglected, you want to hear yourself talk and stand out a bit from the rest of tardoville, but simply repeating what the speaker said will not get you brownie points, your nose may be dipped in chocolate but you will certainly be dipped in hate.

…You are stressing the importance of something and use the word really. This reminds me of those 500 word essays I had to write when I was like 10 and to actually count out each word when approaching 488 words, there suddenly was a drastic uptick in the adverbs, very and really. Now at almost 30 when someone says something is really this with a heavy heavy accent on the first syllable as if to read, REEEEEEEEEEEEally, I know you are full of hot air just as I know you are full of my hate.

…You cut off the person running a meeting just about at the point when everyone knows the point of the statement so that you can be the one that makes the statement to look like you actually have a purpose of existing. I’m not sure who’s to be more hated here, the person interrupting or the person speaking that actually says, well Heather that’s a great point I’m glad you mentioned it. How about calling “heather” out to say, well heather, I was in the middle of making that very same point until you so rudely cut me off to try and show off to your colleagues on how hated you are.

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