Thursday, February 01, 2007

The first hate is the deepest

...You are giving me change at a cash register and count out the money, but don’t actually count the money. Is this some sort of display to say hey, I know how to move money from one hand to the other, but what I can’t do is count. You see what you are supposed to be doing there is give me the coinage, add that to the price of the products I purchased, then count until you get to my hate.

...You came up with the name piggly wiggly for a supermarket. Of all the names and words that exist on this planet, you go and pick two made up words that sounds like some sort mud wrestling arena. Even worse, the stupid southern folk seem to shop there without thinking it’s a little ridiculous. Stop & shop, shoprite, these portray the image of standard food shopping, piggly wiggly portrays the image of hate.

...You ask me to lunch everyday and everyday I blow you off, yet you still ask me everyday. When I made plans with you the first 7,000 times and didn’t go, you should have gotten the hint. It’s as though you get off on disappointment. I don’t understand why you are so intent on having lunch with me in the first place, I’m mean to you, I’m rude to you and I hate you.

You call me to see if the person in the office next to me is in today, meanwhile you sit on the other side of me. It’s 11 AM you have walked by my office with your tie over the shoulder in preparation for the restroom at least 6 times already. While walking by my office, you can clearly see if my neighbor is in today just by looking up, but instead, you feel it is easier and more appropriate to just give a ringy dingy to ask me. When I don’t answer the phone, you leave a message with my secretary (who sits right outside my office) telling me to call you back. I call you back and you ask if so and so is in today. So you couldn’t walk 20 feet down the hall to see for yourself, you couldn’t look up on your way to bathroom, you couldn’t ask the secretary who has a clear view, you couldn’t fucking call the person yourself, but you could be hated.

You wait until someone flushes to let your dump out. I’m on to you compadre. I know your little game. You wait until someone else makes a flush then the fireworks begin. Face it, you’re a sloppy pooper and don’t deserve the privilege of pooping outside the home. In the rules of BMs, the participant is granted one courtesy flush during the initial evacuation or immediately thereafter. If the participant requires multiple flushes, he must return to his home quarters for proper evacuation and proper hate.

You are waiting to use the treadmill, a specific treadmill out of 30 even though others are open. While waiting you are doing 6 foot sprints as warm-ups in the little space right behind the treadmills. You actually get into a Carl Lewis stance all prepared for a 100m dash. You jump up as if to run, then stop half a second later because you only have 6 feet of room. After waiting for 15 minutes for that one particular treadmill, you get on the thing, run for 18 minutes at a snails pace, get off, leave the gym, call it a workout and call it a hate.

You are yet another person running for president. How many freaking people are going to enter this race? Every senator for some reason thinks the country cares about what they have to say. Face it, unless you are a white man that speaks with a southern accent, you can’t win. People in Iowa and NH pick our presidents, two of the whitest least diverse states in the union, hasn’t anyone figured that out yet? Farmers pick our presidents and we wonder why the current one is a cowboy and we wonder why we hate.

You are Sean Penn. You must be manic depressive. Can you play any role other than some chain smoking depressed guy that’s about die or whose wife just left him or died? Please stop and you pretentious fuckers that give good reviews to actors just because they play a depressed person need to cut that shit out. How about saying a non pretentious comedy is actually funny and actually worthy of recognition? It’s a lot harder to make people laugh than depressed, but it’s a lot easier to hate.

3 comments:

maven said...

I can't believe this shit! "You wait until someone flushes to let your dump out. I’m on to you compadre." Do you know how hellish it is to sit in there and wait for someone to flush? Just...flush...damn you!

Doofi said...

can the anonomous pooper not flush his own toilet? that is the riddle I can't solve.

Doofi said...

can the anonomous pooper not flush his own toilet? that is the riddle I can't solve.