Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Gonna dress you up in my hate

...You say you gave it 110%. I would love for you to tell me how one would give more than 100%, I’m pretty familiar with the laws of physics and am pretty sure I am capable of rational thought, so this 110% confuses me. I know if something is complete, I’ll have 100%, that means the most that is physically possible, now, you are claiming to give (or request) more than is physically possible? Ok, I get your point, it’s exaggeration, it’s reminiscent of 70’s TV movie about a basketball team from the ghetto that against all odds managed to win states by giving 110% and giving hate to you.

...You ask me where I went to college or where I am from and then ask if I know John. Oh yeah out of 30,000 people I know this “John” what are the chances? Maybe 110%? Or maybe to be more in tune with your logic, the chances are negative 10%. How about we stop this charade and you admit that you have no personality and nothing to say, then I’ll just admit that I hate you.

...You serve coffee so hot that when it starts to leak out of your shit cup it singes my hand. Why did the golden arches get sued? Because they served fucking ridiculously hot coffee that actually causes 3rd degree burns, are you actually going to drink coffee that would put you in a hospital? Just fucking once I’d like to buy a coffee and be able to actually drink it right away without having to wait the obligatory 20 minute cooling off period and the obligatory hating period.

...You are guilty of blatant misuse of the urgent button on email. Let’s give an example of something urgent: Your house is on fire. That’s urgent. Now an email for which you have used the urgent button: Check out this picture of my cat looking cute. While extreme cases, you get the idea and you get the hate.

...You are under the impression that in order to give a good massage you must inflict some sort pain upon the recipient. I don’t know what kind of expert training you received, but bringing someone to the brink of tears is not my idea of relaxing. I don’t see why I’m sore after getting a massage, I don’t see why I need a massage to relax me from the massage I just had and I don’t see why I need to hate after getting a message.

...You are giving me a message and gossip with your cohort the whole time just laughing it up. So you think it’s funny that the round eye is a little hairy? I’m sorry, it’s au naturale you must understand that? My people come from colder climates, we have body hair, I’m not ashamed, I just get waxed, naired and lasered off on a virtual daily basis, much like me hating you on a daily basis.

...You need to “squeeze” by someone at a bar, let’s just say my girlfriend for arguments sake, and feel the need to put your busy hands on her back or her waist then stick your crotch out to try and rub up against her because that’s the closest thing you will get any action tonight, unless you count me hating you.


Anonymous said...

What do percentages have to do with physics?

Doofi said...

I believe somewhere in the laws of physics one can determine that having more than 100% of something is not physically possible. You have an uneaten apple, that is 100% of the apple, you can not physically have more than 100% of that apple and you can not physically have more than 100% of my hate.