Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Business in the front; hatred in the back

...You attempt to bring luggage through a revolving door. Wow this city IS crazy, they have doors that revolve, but how are you supposed to get your luggage through? How about you don’t pick up your suitcase, but then try drag it behind you on the little wheels, but don’t even keep right behind, let the suitcase extend out to it’s full capacity so that when you walk through the revolving door it gets stuck. Also, make sure to ignore the regular door right next to it, it has a sign that says, please use revolving door, especially with luggage and especially with hate.

...You make corrections to a memo and write your “corrections” in hieroglyphics. I’m confused, do you want me to make some sort of change to the text or do you want me to draw you a fucking picture? You’re not signing your name here, you are trying to convey an actual point, try making legible. I’m happy to play this game of back and forth here, but if you actually want something done try printing the words and I’ll try hating you.

...You wear shoulder pads. Hey working girl, 1985 came and went, then came back and went away again. The power red blazer with the football player shoulder pads doesn’t really give you that extra edge, it makes you look rather mannish. Maybe you’ll start playing racquetball with the boss so you can get in that QT. If you’re trying to make an impression try doing your job well and try hating yourself.

...You are the Spring fever gym joiners. You go to the gym 3 weeks out of the year. The first week in January, the first week of Spring and the week before Memorial day. We’re two thirds of the way through. You have no idea of the rules of the gym, all of us are waiting in line for the treadmills, it’s not some new workout routine, it’s pretty common sense here, why else would we all be waiting? Those signs posted all over the gym that say 30 minute limit during peak hours are not a suggestion, and no peak hours are not 9 to 5, you see in the logical and rational world, everyone knows that people work during those hours, so think about it in that tiny little brain of yours, right before and right after would be peak hours. Not to mention that working your fat ass for an hour a day a total of 3 weeks a year does not get you in shape, it only gets you hate.

...You own Nickelback CD. Please tell me that was given to in some sort free CD giveaway. It’s people like you that actually buy this crap that perpetuate the production of such music. I’m pretty sure they have like 5 albums, it’s all one long continuous song that they just cut into 5 forty minute segments. If you stop buying, I’ll stop hating.

...You are in a bathroom stall doing what needs to be done and make noises as though you are lifting weights. Ok, the obesity epidemic has really gotten carried away when pooping exudes too much energy. It’s as though your life is so hard just because you ate a bucket of chicken and had a six pack of beer and now you have to struggle to clear out your system. Next time you have to go, take the stairs to another floor, struggle to build your crowsnest and that way I won’t have to hate you.

...You are on an extremely crowded subway, so crowded you are literally sandwiched between two people, where instead of making an effort to hold on to a rail you decide that I will hold you up. When the train starts moving, rather than fight centrifugal force, you see me as your stopping block and I see you as my hate.

...You call someone sweetie. What are you like 20? There 2 people that can call me sweetie, my girlfriend and my mother. That’s it. You don’t even know my name, yet you are calling me sweetie, just because you are bringing me coffee doesn’t mean we’re sweethearts it just means you’re hated.

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