Friday, March 09, 2007

Stuck in the middle with hate

...You are looking for something, it is not in the very first place you look and you then proclaim that you have lost the item for which you were looking. Then after looking for an additional 6 seconds you find it. Hmmm, where are my keys, let me check this here table, oh not there, damn you I lost them, there’s no need to continue looking, I check the first place that popped into my brain there’s not a chance my keys could be in the bedroom, the kitchen, a coat, on the computer table or anywhere else, there is only a very good chance that might hate could be for you.

...You are on a plane and get caught by the bathroom bug. This is when the pilot says we will begin our descent in 30 minutes and be on the ground in 40. Ok this gives you half an hour to take a piss, BUT this is when half the plane feels they need to rush to wait in line for the bathroom even though there are people lined down the aisle so that those waiting put their crotches in peoples faces while they put hate on you.

...You are flying on a plane and need to stand up from your seat, but in order for to stand up, you need to molest the seat in front of you. A sign you know you shouldn’t leave this house is when you can bring yourself to physically stand up from the sitting position. Let me see how much I can possibly annoy the person sitting front of me before he turns around to hate me.

...You are walking down the aisle of an airplane and touch every single seat as you walk by. When you walk on a sidewalk, do you use a cane? Oh wait I forgot, you don’t walk anywhere, you drive your car three houses down the street because exerting that much energy would be normal and conducive to you losing some of that fat ass that you lug around all day. Try skipping the free bag of pretzels this flight, try skipping the complimentary beverage and try skipping my hate.

...You are the pilot of an airplane and yell through the intercom no less than 7 times a minute on a 6 hour flight that everyone needs to buckle their seatbelts. I swear this guy had cameras throughout the plane or some type of alarm sensor that when ever someone stands they get the ‘DING’ Ladies and Gentlemen, I have the fasten seatbelt sign illuminated for a reason, the reason being that I want you to stay in your seats, I am the pilot, I know what’s best. So when did Bush start flying planes? I guess this guy is also the decider, he decides when I can stand, when I can pee, when I can lay down across the seats, but only I can decide when I hate.

...You put me on speaker phone. If you don’t have other people in the room you are not allowed to use the speaker phone option this is rule No. 439 of the ihateyouif rulebook. This is clearly speaker abuse and you should be fined. Have you ever listened to yourself on speaker? You sound like you are chewing a bag of marbles. If you are on speaker phone, you also don’t have to talk any louder and you don’t have to stick your face into the phone to be heard, kind of defeats the whole purpose, but it doesn’t defeat my hate.

...You are finishing up at a urinal in the rest room and I am just making my initial approach to the other, you then strike up a convo as though we are going to be spending the next 10 minutes together. There’s so much wrong with this situation I don’t think I even care to relive such an experience. Let’s get this straight, rest room pleasantries are limited to the following, Verbal: what’s up, hey, how’s it going. Non Verbal: head nod and stiff lower lip half smile or the all too famous HATE.

...You ask if I’m ready for the weekend. Nope not quite ready, thought I’d pull an all nighter here on Friday. I’ll never quite be ready for that weekend, I mean not working for two days, how will I ever get ready for that, damn I wish they made us work right through the weekend, weekend? HA! That word means nothing to me and my hate means everything to you.

...You say you haven't had a vacation in two years when I tell you I just got back from vaca. Oh poor you, don’t cry for me, my life is sooooo haaarrrd, wah wah boo hoo. Shut the fuck up you little bitch. No one is telling you not to take time off, I can’t help it if you’re such a loser that you either have no friends to go with or you are too pussy to ask your boss for time off. I have the most ridiculous boss with the most ridiculous standards and even I take vacations and even I give you hate.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That last comment was a little harsh. As for people manhandling your seat on an airplane to stand up...I agree. Some guy did that to me the other day and I gave him the frowning of a lifetime!