Monday, March 05, 2007

To everything, hate, hate hate

...You blow dry your balls at the gym. Humble defined reads: “Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful.” This word is apparently not in your vocabulary along with words such as manners, decency, courtesy, shame and propriety. There is however one word that comes directly to mind when I, or anyone else for the matter, see you and that of course is hate.

...You try to bro down with a black guy at work everytime you walk past his cube. Is this your way of “keepin it real”? I’m not sure you really understand, middle aged white guy from the burbs doesn’t speak like a rapper, in fact black guy in an office doesn’t speak like a rapper. What I believe you also fail to understand is that you attempt to speak “street” to a guy that is Haitian doesn’t make any sense, it only makes hate.

...You come into my office when the door is closed, say nothing, then leave without closing the door behind you. Maybe you didn’t notice, but my door is closed, that means I’m in my office surfing the internet, picking my nose and farting, now beat it. Oh you remember how you disturbed me by opening a closed door? Well let’s not return the tank on empty, close the door behind you or I’ll return the tank with hate.

...You are the one and only twenty something white male working in an Asian massage parlor and when I go to get a foot massage, it’s from you. Since when is the ancient art of Chinese reflexology performed by some 24 year old white kid? And since when, among a room full of Asian women, do you choose to assign the one white male “masseuse” to the one white male patron? It’s not even that I have an issue with a man doing this, I treat it as an athletic trainer (I was skiing after all), but at least have the guy be Asian and at least have the guy be hated.

...You believe acting is difficult. Oh please can I have the arduous job of playing make believe for a couple days a year? That would be such a tough life, those 15 hour days you have to work must be just awful, especially when half the time is spent in your trailer studying the 4 lines your stupid ass can’t remember. I think the world has been shown that acting is a talentless profession when an American Idol contestant wins an oscar. Well Academy, you’ve just shown the world that your entire life has been a joke and a waste and your entire award process is pointless and hated.

...You have an aisle seat on an airplane and arrive first for the row. The individual with the window seat boards the plane and goes to take his or her seat. Aisle seat patron (we’ll call him douchebag for arguments sake), feels the only way to allow window seat, and middle seat patrons to sit would be to give the half move my knees to the side effort. So you are about 6 foot 3 250, your knees touch the top of the seat in front of you and you can’t take 5 seconds to stand up so someone can get by? Out of all the things in life, it is this that you have deemed to be just too much? Out of all the ill-mannered things you could do in life, it is this for which you choose to be hated?

...You comment on my blog that some people of lower economic classes can’t afford an ipod, let alone a computer because I’ve chosen to make fun of the guy at the gym using a discman. Oh Nate, Nate, Nate…so many holes in this argument, where do I begin. How about the obvious? It’s a stupid blog making fun of the world, not some political, class warfare, social commentary, ever see someone driving Pinto or wearing Reebok pumps? Yeah they deserve to be laughed at. Second, your biggest error, it’s a membership gym, it costs maybe 100 bucks a month, I wouldn’t know because I can’t be bothered to read my credit card statements, but you see, if you can afford to pay $100 a month, well my friend, you can afford at least a basic MP3. Finally, just to end this banter, since when has 50 bucks become living the life of high society? I think they even give shuffles away for free just like I give hate away for free.

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