Friday, April 27, 2007

I'm just livin' the hate

...You are wearing stretchy pants with granny panties. Is that a diaper? With an ass like that you have zero business wearing stretchy pants, then you have the gall wear a shirt that does extend down beyond your waist. Do you not realize that people can see you? You actually stepped out of the house like that, it boggles the mind. I wouldn’t be as surprised if you were the crazy semi homeless woman that can occasionally be seen yelling at me in union square, I mean she has no choice. You on the other hand are in an office building, with professionals and are under the age of ancient, you therefore are hated.

...You type emails using double spaces. When’s your essay on A Separate Peace due? Mine is due next week. I was careful to use my theme paper, double spaced in a plastic binder thingy, because presentation counts for more than content. I wrote all about how I’m in fifth grade, yet some how have a “respectable” corporate job. I parallel this to the way that Finn had internal latent issues with hating you.

...You send me a piece of paper by inter office mail. It is bad enough that you sit less than 10 steps away from me and it’s actually farther for you to go walk it over to the mail room rather than to my office, BUT the really annoying part is that I asked you to email it to me. What good is a piece of paper? What am I going to do with this other than throw it out? You are as pointless as a rotary phone, not even useful as a novelty, only useful as a hate.

...You misspell your own name. Out of all the words in existence, out of all the names, you fuck up the spelling of your own. Even if it’s a typo, that’s the one word you should always catch, is it not? How hard it is to even spell your name, john smith? Perhaps your name should be changed to You A. Hated.

...You schedule me for a Dr. apt. at 9, I show up to the office at 8:50, you know to get the paper work out of the way so I can get in by 9 and be on my way. To my dismay, my 9 AM apt was only a suggested time because apparently, you suggested that 15 other people show up at 9AM as well creating a free for all. It’s like your taping for a show and you overbook to make sure there are no empty seats in the audience. Unless you are going to line us all up and walk by for a turn and cough, we’re gonna be here all day and I’m gonna hate you all day.

...You have a barcode. Hey, I’m sure it must be traumatic to lose your air, it’s like losing a part of your soul, I get that. But your nine, 4 foot long hairs greased down across your dome from left to right don’t fool anyone. How can you look at yourself in the morning everyday when you wake up with your Willy Wonka hair dangling to your shoulder on one side as you reach for your palmade and I reach for my hate.

...You are customer service and when answering the phone you say, hi this Mr. Walker. What is so secret about your name Mr. Bond? Why can’t I know your first name? is it because you are Jimmy walker and really just too embarrassed for people to know you’ve been reduced to working in a call center? Who refers to themselves by mr. or ms. Anyway? You doesn't refer to you as hated?

...You respond to someone calling you Mr. Walker by saying. Mr. Walker is my dad, call me Jim. That’s Jimbo way to identify with the youth. Let’s try to get down to the kid’s level because we’re going to be talking about some serious subjects here, drugs and sex. We know, you’re a 38 yr old ex addict now you’re giving talks to the kids at school about life on the streets, it’s hard out there man and it’s hated out there.

...You are my weekend barista at the local starbucks and accuse of me of trying to swindle myself a couple of free coffees. So a conservative estimate would be that I spend maybe $1200 a year in starbucks. I go to get me a couple cups for myself and the lady one Sunday morning, I return to the old apartemento with the cups, we drink them and enjoy them, then on our way out the door, we stop back in for a refill, which are supposed to be 50 cents. Well what took place at the counter was a series of shock and awe. The very same barista from the morning made the accusation “well I know you didn’t get these from here” to which I replied “well yes I did, in fact I got them from you.” evil barista’s reply. “well these are cold.” Common sense man’s (me) reply “of course they are cold, they are empty, that’s why I came in for some more”. Low IQ barista’s reply “I’ll let it go this time, but just no my manager is here”. Pushing it too far guy’s reply “Um can you replace the lid, it’s kind of dirty”. I take my minimum wage coffee maker job too far barista’s reply, “it’s called a refill, you get the same cup, I can’t give you a new lid, it can’t be done, it’s a refill, not a new cup”. Going to slash your tires, pissed off consumer guy’s (me) reply “I hate you.”

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I once was lost, but now I hate

...You put pictures of Asians on the front page of a newspaper when showing mourners from the VA Tech shooting. You know, we understand. The shooter was Asian. We get it. Try being a little less trite and try being a little more hated.

...You are American Airlines. You have an entire flight board a plane, leave them boarded, on the runway for 3 hours before a 3 hour flight. You offer no apology, you offer no complimentary spirits, you don't even offer a free snack given that people are now stuck aboard a plane for 6 hours. You are reluctant to book people on new flights after missing connections because of your mechanical error with a plane. You then have me wait 4 hours for my new connecting flight, all the while, offering no compensatory items such as a meal voucher. You caused my 5 hour door to door journey transform to a 14 hour trek. Give me my 9 hours back, give me my sanity back and I'll give you your hate back.

...You are American Airlines. You delayed my return flight by leaving me on the runway for 1.5 hours, then circled for 30 minutes prior to landing, then sat on the runway for 45 minutes AFTER landing. My 8:00 arrival turned into 10:30, and your friendly skies turned into my hated skies.

...You are sitting next to me on an airplane, see that I am reading, then proceed to have a 2 hour discussion with me. You see the book? I'm reading, for me to read, you need to be quiet. I am not going to have a conversation with you about your 2 day delay, boo freaking hoo, I was delayed 20 minutes and that is SO much more important than your 2 days and SO much less important than my hate.

...You get up to go the bathroom the second the pilot turns off the seat belt sign. What the? There is no way that after the 10 minutes since you boarded that you could possibly have to pee already. Even if this were an isolated incident I could understand, but no, every flight on which I have ever flown, you exist. Not only do you get up immediately, you get up every 20 minutes, what are you doing in there? Where are you going? Why are you hated?

...You are American Airlines. Your customer service department consists entirely of a post office box to nowhere. That's it. There is no phone number, no agent at the airport, the ticket agent won't hear your compaints, the pilot won't, no one. I guess when you are the biggest piece of shit airline that I will never fly again, you have to expect that people will want to call ad nauseam with hate.

...You are the one, ever present gay man at every conferance that has to live up to every stereotype of gay men. I swear this is the only thing that gets me through a conferance. You have to enjoy the commentary during a presentation. The commentary can be on anything, the decor of the conference, the attractiveness of the waitstaff or pool boys, the desireability of someone's office location, the outfit of the ugliest person or the hatred of you.

...You interview me for a job in October. The first date is always so promising. You tell me, this is preliminary and you don't have anything but will call me for the next round of interviews when you are ready to move. Well it was a fun date, we'll see if they call again. You call me the last week of December to say, "we are ready to move, are you still interested? Once we interview this will happen very fast." Oh so you ready for a relationship, I'm still available. I interview, it goes great, you tell me how great I am and how interested you are and that you will have an offer for me shortly. Great second date, this could go somewhere. January passes, no word. I follow up to say hey, I get a response, Oh so and so wants to meet for coffee to discuss the specifics with you. Oh why did I call, I look so desparate. February goes by, no word. They could smell the desparation, oh please please call me. March comes, I meet for this "coffee", more feeding of the BS, we love you, we want you, come work for us, we'll have an offer Monday. Finally a follow up date, oh life is good again. Monday passes, I give up, I don't want to work for you anymore. I've been dating other people, yup, you're not the only one, but I do hope they call. A month passes and you give me a call. So I'm now your booty call, when did this happen? You ask if I'm still at my job and if I'm interested. I say of course I'm interested. You're just so irrestible. You say you will have an offer by Friday. Well you guessed it, it is now Wednesday, nothing, nada, hatred. I'm still waiting for you.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The old man and the hate

...You can't wait another week for posts. Listen people 2 years of hating is a drag on one man's soul and a drag on one man's creativity. Give me some time to recharge my hate at a conference in key west and I'll give you some time for hate.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

If you see something; Hate something

...You pass by people in the hall and the only thing you can ever say is how are you. I walk by you and you say, how are you. Okay, a normal greeting. I see you later that morning, I hold the door for you and you say, how are you. Hmm that’s strange, a simple thanks would have done, but since you ask, I’m not bad. The cafeteria, same day, how are you. You know, I don’t think you’ve ever said anything else to me, let me pay closer attention. In the coffee room that afternoon…how are you. Holy shit, you’re freaking me out, you are borderline schitz and you are completely hated.

...You can’t find your seat at a sporting event. It’s like a riddle, so difficult. Gate – section – box – row – seat. All very clearly marked and all in sequential order. Might I suggest you approach this from left to right. Otherwise, you may be looking for the row or seat before you made it to your section. Enter the appropriate gate, go to your section, find the correct box, walk down to your row, slide over to your seat where you find me sitting there, hating you.

...You are incapable of making a coffee cup that doesn’t leak. In the past 2 years I don’t think a day has passed where I have not had some bit of coffee drip out either onto my tie, my shirt, my pants, my desk or even dribble down my chin. In the world today, there is pretty advanced technology, we can make computers that think and learn from their mistakes but we can make a damn coffee cup that doesn’t leak and a manufacturer that isn’t hated?

...You yell “HATS OFF” the second the announcer at yankee stadium says please rise. Do you even know why people remove their hats during the national anthem? No? Neither do I, which is exactly why I would never demand that some complete stranger sitting 5 rows (not sections people) in front of me, remove his hat. Is it a matter of respect? Well certainly not, seeing the way you are dressed, the way you speak, the way you yell at the vend-ahs, the way you maul the red sox fan and the way you get hated.

...You have the pleasure of sitting next to me at a baseball game, being a complete stranger and then have the audacity to ask me for a piece of my pretzel. Do we know each other? You are sitting next to me and your cougar girlfriend sees my pretzel and instead of keeping her thoughts private, she thinks aloud and says, I want a pretzel, gimme a pretzel. Listen honey, maybe 15 years ago that shit worked, but it’s clear you’ve seen some better days, the pack and sixer a day are really showing their effects on you and it isn’t pretty. While the ravages of time may have effected your ability to get what you want, there has been no effect on my ability to hate you.

...You open up yet another Irish pub. What the world needs now is another cookie cutter Irish pub, like I need a hole in the head. And where do all these Irish bar tenders come from? Is there a bar tender exchange program? If I go to Ireland, will I find a bunch of divey bars run by annoying Americans? We have enough Connolly’s, Oneil’s, McCaffrey’s and McHateyou’s.

...You send me an email at 5 in the morning asking for something as basic as an exchange rate, then by the time I get into work, you have already asked someone else, never telling me that you went to someone else for the answer. What the? since when is getting in by 8 in the morning not early enough? And since when is hating you by 6AM not early enough?

...You are a group of fat girls that says to the one thin girl, oh girl, you so skinny you can eat whatever you want. Or, Girlfriend, you’re eating those chocolates again how do you keep so skinny? You want to know why? Because girlfriend knows when to say when. What’s the poor girl supposed to say in such a situation, that’s right, I’m thin, you’re not, so let’s all go eat cake. Unfortunately, the caucus of fat women don’t think like that, the caucus of fat women are ganging up on the pretty girl and the caucus of me, is hating up on you.