Thursday, May 24, 2007

Something is rotten in the State of Hate

...You start a blog about three months AFTER I started this blog which is titled, You apparently were (maybe still are) working at an ad agency, FUNNY, because I was working at an ad agency when it was written, perhaps you have my old computer, perhaps you stole my idea and made it worse, perhaps you are hated.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

O’er the land of the free and the home of the hate

…You hire someone to work with me, that has the same last name as me. As if enough people don’t break my balls because I look young, now I’m going to have to hear shit about my last name? I may as well have been relegated to IT with Patel, Patel & Patel or to the quants with Chin, Chan, Chen and Chang or maybe to the blog with I Hate & You.

…You are Gupta & Co. that show up to a meeting with myself and finance to act as the “business analyst”. Here we go with the biggest bullshit career in the economy, next to a McKinsey consultant of course, even more bullshit than my career. The alleged ANALyst, shows up, there are 4 of them mind you, to help streamline a process, convert to IT lingo, then automatic. Ok, how come when I describe the already streamlined process, you manage to fuck it up and get it completely wrong, and the two mutes in the corner, we’ll call them Silent Bob and Teller, have nothing to say other than bobbling the heads to the tune of me hating you.

…You are a McKinsey consultant. Congratulations you narrowly beat out the waste of space business analysts. You come in, you find out what’s wrong, you tell people they run their business poorly, they are mismanaging their people, then when Lee Iacocca over here, asks ok, how do we fix it, you say, oh we don’t do that, I don’t know how you fix it. My entire life is pointing out people’s fault, you’re telling me you’ve made an industry out of this? I’ll save these companies some money, direct them all to my hate.

…You are wandering for 40 days and 40 nights throughout Yankee stadium, looking for your seats because you are borderline illiterate. People make finding a seat harder than cracking one of Columbo’s mysteries. Well Peter Faulk, there’s a section a row and a seat number, how ever will we find the seat? I mean with everything clearly marked, it’s extra complicated. Here’s an idea, with the new stadium, please, number the seats 1 through 55,782 in consecutive, sequential order. I’m really curious to see how some of these people are contributing to society when all I see them contributing to is my hate.

…You are at a Yankee/Red Sox game and holding a sign that says Red Sox Suck. Well Stephen Hawking, I know numbers are complex, but 10 games ahead, a suck it does not make. I’m all in favor of pointing out the many times Boston has succumbed to the fates of history, but until the Yankees are in a position to point and snicker, shut the fuck up or risk being hated.

…You are a seemingly normal middle age man out enjoying a baseball game, but when the opposing team goes to bat, you start screaming, you fucking suck, suck a cock, etc, etc. etc. What the? What just happened here, do you normally speak like this? I would also like to inform you that there is no chance in hell that batter heard a word that came out of your mouth, the only thing they understood was that I hate you.

…You are at a baseball game and piss in the sink. What is it about ballpark beer that turns people into wild savages. Yeah I was young once too, but the urge to relieve myself never took such a strong hold on me to resort to peeing in sink rather than wait the extra 14 seconds to pee in a urinal and the extra 10 seconds to hate you.

…You go to a baseball game when it’s about 70 degrees and sunny in the evening, you wear shorts and t-shirt, then when the sun goes down and it drops to 50, you’re sitting there shivering. You dumb shit, have you ever been outside before? I have to sit here, listening to you ramble on and on about how cold you are while I watch you drink and ice cold beer. The best part is, it is the geniuses like you that insist on reproducing, but the smart people in the world are not fertile. Just as old people revert back to children as they age, apparently a species can revert back to primitive as they get hate.

…You are the lady serving me a beer at a baseball game and you call baby 7 times then once I pay, you say, “oh thank you boo”. I’m you’re boo now? Well my girlfriend may be a little surprised by this, she may not be too happy with that. But I am a little curious how we went from complete stranger to exchanging close intimate pet names with each other. Was it when I showed you my ID or when I hated you?

…You are anyone that exists at Yankee stadium. That’s it I’m done with this place, I can’t go anymore. You have the same crap at every game, same singer of the national anthem, same retard yelling at everyone to take their hats off, same retard yelling at everyone to stand up on a 2 strike count, same assholes saying the other team sucks, same tool dancing in a straw hat to cotton eye joe, same retards booing A-rod one day, then cheering for him the next, same 1920’s phonograph recording of god bless America, same $9 beers, same people pissing in sinks and garbage cans, same 450 pound obese man trying to squeeze into a tiny stadium seat while eating 19 hotdogs at the same time, same douchebag spilling beer all over the person in front of him and same me hating all of you.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Times they are a hatin'

…You send an email to my work email account saying, my inbox has exceeded the storage capacity. You then immediately follow up with another email saying the exact same thing. You send the first one after 5PM on Friday, so that’s two on Friday, then 2 more on Saturday, then another 2 on Sunday. Then somehow, you know to send 2 more before I even get in on Monday morning. Now you have filled my inbox with 8 emails increasing the storage excess and increasing my hate.

….You yawn with mouth uncovered in public. Thank you for that up close and personal view of all your fillings and the remnants of your breakfast, I also had eggs this morning. Unlike you however, I brush, which may explain the rotten tooth look you are sporting. Is it that much effort to raise your hand up to your mouth and cover it? I know the effort involved is tremendous and those yawns really sneak up on you without any warning and then my hate sneaks up on you without warning.

…You are a grown adult using a backpack. Hiking? Okay, backpack will work, even to the beach or the gym or some other type of physical/outdoor activity, please feel free, use the backpack. Commuting to work? Hey buddy, you’re 45, it’s time to lose the pack. Maybe 30 years ago when you were in high school it was cool to carry around the backpack, but you wear a suit to work now, the double shoulder strap is no longer working for you. Let us not forget that in addition to looking foolish, you don’t seem to have a handle on the additional space taken up by your backpack. Example, you are on the subway, you enter the train and after stopping immediately in front of the door so no one else can get on the train, the doors shut and your backpack get’s caught in the door, after 5 minutes of the doors opening and shutting on your backpack, you realize this is being caused by you, as a reaction, you immediately turn, again not considering the additional 3 feet of width you now have, you knock 4 people over and then when turning to see what happened (because of the screams) you knock another 3 people over on the other side of you and then you are officially hated.

…You email me 1 minute before our 930 AM call to say, hey I’m tied up, I’ll call you in a little while. Oh really, I didn’t realize you were that important to make me wait the entire day for your highness to find the 5 minutes required to speak to me. You know, I don’t like this job any more than you do, so let’s get this over with. I don’t come to work everyday to sit around waiting for you to call, I come here to hate you.

…You are a part of the medical industry. So here’s how this scam works. You have an insurance company that says, hey use us because we can get you better rates with doctors because there are so many people in our pool. Employer, let’s call them, Mismanagement Inc., offers you, the employee, medical insurance because of said discounted rate. As more and more people join such insurance plans and the doctors are giving more and more discounted rates. It cuts into their profits, but since it is the rate that is discounted and not the actual cost, the doctors start to increase their fees. So now, just to visit a doctor, it costs $500 for about 3 minutes, the discounted price might be about $175, but for the poor sap on the street, it’s still 500 bucks. If that wasn’t bad enough, when you go to make an appointment, they book 7 other people at the same time, so now you’re 10AM appt. turned into an all day affair of waiting because when everyone else goes to see him they get 2 hours, but when I go to seem, I get 3 minutes and then he gets hate.

…You are the magazine supplier of doctor’s room magazines. There must be a rule that all magazines have to be at a minimum 7 months old, and that’s just the news. When you get to your home and gardens, golf digest, and highlights, you’re pushing a year. I’m thinking there is some second magazine dealer out there that just like the doctor’s services, are giving discounted rates to offices. I was reading about the Bush/Gore election in a December 2000 Rolling Stone, just last week and I was reading about hating you right here.

…You are my company and don’t provide me with a medical plan that allows me to go to any doctor and pay whatever I want up to a deductible. I will gladly pay $1000 a visit if I can show up for a 10AM appointment at 10 and be seen at 10 and then actually have a thorough check done on me, get my blood work there, get an X-ray there, if I need to see someone else, I want to get at least 3 names and have the doctor call for me and then have the doctor hate for me.

…You ask me if I saw the break up and I say no, did you? Then you say, I’m not sure. You’re not sure? Then why are you quoting it? It’s okay to admit it, I’ve seen (and enjoyed) some rather embarrassing titles in the past, have I mentioned Chasing Liberty? Need I say more? It’s classics like this that define a generation. I don’t know what that even means, but I do know what hates means and I think it’s you.

…You are in a waiting room and can’t keep your fat mouth shut for more than 2 minutes. It doesn’t matter who sits next to you, you insist on chattin it up with them, it’s as though you body can physically sit still for more than instant before your mouth opens and verbal diarrhea exits. So in the 7 hours I’ve been waiting here pretending to read Newsweek from February, I’ve learned that you had the same injury when you were 13, then in your 20’s and now again. I know you’re going to Italy in June for 2 weeks. I know your daughter even suffered the same injury as you. You used to play field hockey as a child. Summers in Rangoon, Luge lessons…oh wait…I know that you were lucky you found that cane in your basement otherwise you had no idea how you would have been able to haul your 300 pound ass to the doctor to get hated by me.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Hey, Hey, You, You, I really hate your girlfriend

...You and your douchebag buddy are blabbing on the subway about work, millions of dollars, banks in the caymans and your boss, Mike. Yes I understand you are in a suit so that automatically means you have to play international banker man while speaking at volumes so the entire train can hear. You’re important, I get that. It does seem a little odd that this Mike character isn’t riding the subway with you, I mean two sophisticated, educated and well off gentlemen as yourselves would never be taking a the subway home at 9PM, I know you would be taking the car service like your boss, unless that is of course you are full of shit, full of hot air and full of my hate.

...You say you are not hungry and tell me to order food without you, then when I order a delicious meal, you eat more of it than I do. Can we get this straight please, my food is for me, you can certainly try it, but when I get food, I’m not ordering the family size. Let’s also get this straight, the words, ‘I am not hungry, order food without me’ indicate to me, that you are in actuality, not hungry and I should therefore order only enough food for me and exactly what I would like to eat and exactly what I would like to hate.

...You remind me of your dietary restrictions every time you eat in my presence. Oh so you are allergic to peanuts, shell fish, almonds, green beans, pasta, air. Why even continue living? To make it worse, you are allergic to wheat glutin, this is apparently in every single type of food that exists on the planet. Why do I know this you ask? Because you never shut the fuck up about it. Ok, you’re allergic, that sucks, but don’t make it my problem, because if you do, you have made it my hate.

...You are guilty of awesome abuse. Is it really awesome when someone answers a basic question, like when can I expect to hear back from you? Is someone really ‘awesome’ because they can count to ten? Awesome should be reserved….wait scratch that, it should not be reserved it should simply just not be used; now THAT would be awesome and that is hated.

...You write online reviews on amazon, citysearch, itunes, etc. Can you think of anything more pointless than writing a review online, I mean taking the time to meticulously detail your experience with a particular product, restaurant or song and then think that people actually care and value your opinion even though you are unknown and are most likely a middle age man in the basement. I mean what could be worse than writing these ‘reviews’ at 2 in the morning? Perhaps reading these reviews at 3 in the morning? Perhaps blogging every detail about hating you?

...You are on a conference call and give your name every time you speak. Kathy here, what I think we need to do is gain some traction on gaining some efficiency for producing gains in the weight gain sector. Thanks for clarifying who you are Kathy, because you’re the only woman on the call and now you’re the only hated one on the call.

...You ask me during an interview where I see myself in 5 years. Where do I see myself? Um, how about in your job? Is there anyone that answers this question without some bullshit answer? Are there people out there that actually sit down, have a 5 year plan organized to the point of being specific enough to some job for which they are interviewing now? If you’re asking a bullshit question, expect a bullshit answer, it’s ridiculous that you would even seriously ask such a question: So tell me where do you see yourself in five year? How about hating you!

Monday, May 14, 2007

A Rolling Stone Gathers No Hate

…You come round to my seat before take off to ask if I would like a massage during the flight, why yes, yes I would love a massage, but then you never show up. I’m concerned about my first class treatment here. Maybe you haven’t heard but I write a blog, I have about 10 readers and about a million hates.

…You stop me at everyone point of airport check in to say, excuse me sir, this is for first class only. Yeah asshole, I am in first class. Do I really need to be wearing a suit or be crusty old to be sitting in first class? Maybe I’m some over privileged obnoxious kid that blows his money on cheap whores, hard drugs and first class airfare, does that make sense? No, so perhaps I’m wearing jeans because I’m not at work and because I’m hating you.

…You are the city planner for London that decided garbage cans would just make too much sense. Either I’m blind or this city doesn’t believe in public garbage cans, or should I say rubbish. Either way they are about as few and far between as their non toll public rest rooms. Its like every rest room is at a club and you have to tip out the towel boy. Please, just let me throw this out, let me take a piss, then let me hate you.

…You sit next to me on a puddle jumper plane, chat me up for about half the ride, then lean in real close and say, btw I’m sick as a dog, I’ve got this cold I just can’t kick. Thanks fucknut now I’m sick and now I hate.

…You create a currency with more worthless coins than the US. You got your 1 pence coin, 2 pence coin, 10 pence coin, 20 pence coin (I think we’re just about at a penny’s worth of value) 50 pence coin, 1 pound coin, 2 pound coin. At what point do country’s stop producing worthless money? I’m still pondering the penny’s existence, I’m now pondering the pence’s existence, but I’m certainly not pondering my hate’s existence.

…You are a driver in London that doesn’t know where the hotel is and has to ask me. The first time you passed by it, I was being polite, I didn’t want to embarrass you, the second time we passed by it, I got a little anxious, I just wanted to get there already, the third time we passed by I had to point out that I’m from NY, you’re from London, this is your equivalent of broadway, and you can’t find the hotel based on the numbered address. The fourth time we passed by it, I had to remind you that you are ill equipped to handle being a driver in your own city and the fifth time we passed by it, I had to state that I hate you.

…You are wearing a wrist of 4 inch thick metal bracelets going through the security line reserved for first class and don’t take the metal blocks off your arm. Either you belong on some sort of social welfare for the mentally challenged or you are that much of an obnoxious, entitled bitch you think that security rules don’t apply to you. You know this is going to set off the machine, you just have to know this, yet you proceed to hold up the entire line and proceed to accelerate my hate.

…You are the crazy lady in St. James park at 9AM that stumbled up to the Asian man, got right in his face, yelled something in jibberish, then laughed like there was no tomorrow. After stumbling by the Asian man, you then found your way into the tall grass where you lifted up your skirt and took a piss. Holy crap, you’re a dude and you’re hated.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Welcome Back Hater

...You call a meeting, you invite me, then I have to lead the meeting. This is your meeting buddy, you called me, what do you want? Don’t look at me all deer in the headlights, I don’t have to be here, I could be back in my office trying to reconnect with my fans. Why is it that I’m the only one that showed up to this meeting with something actually written on my notebook? Everyone else is sitting around with nothing to say while I have everything to hate.

...You are Jerry Garcia. Let me explain as I have nothing against the Late Jerry, I’m talking about his reincarnated self that is now the cfo of my company. Actually I don’t think Garcia ever died, I don’t believe it, he went into finance rose to cfo in record time. I mean this guy is even missing the same finger and his previous drug use is quite apparent. I do have to say, Jerry with short hair freaks me out, freaks me out to the point of hate.

...You tell me you get in at 7 so you are free all morning to meet. Ok, you are getting into the office at 7, but are free to meet? Then why the hell are you getting into the office at 7? You might be worse than the people who brag about how late they stay at night, at least they get in after 9. Getting into to work early is not a badge of honor, it is only a symbol of hate.

...You say your job is a mixologist. Let’s get this straight, you’re a bartender. That’s it. You stand behind the bar in a capacity that one might call ‘tending to the bar’. You poor a drink and you collect money. You’re the consultants of bar tending, a fancy name with a do nothing job. I have a fancy name for my job in the wordsmith industry, Chief Creative Hater of YOU.

...You tell your friend that I am ‘actually cute’. Actually? I’ve met you like 5 times, so does this mean up until now, I’ve been some kind of hideous beast? What is with people using this ‘actually’ terminology, do you not realize the connotation associated with that? How about this? I ACTUALLY, hate you.

...You refer to someone you by saying, oh he’s sooooo smart. Really? So smart? Well since you’re a fucking idiot, I guess the whole world is filled with geniuses. I really have too question your judgment when you claim someone is smart. I don’t buy it, but I do hate it.

...You write to me in an email “you rock”. Um yeah I don’t rock actually, I emo, but that’s besides the point. You say this to me as though you are my superior, like I’m little file boy that brought you a file and being that I’m not capable of doing anything more complicated then look up a name and bring something to you, you then have to demean me further by saying I “rock”. You know what? You rock. I mean absolutely rock. AND I mean absolutely hate.

...You continuously refer to yourself as just “a Jew from long island”. So is this supposed to somehow differentiate yourself from the 5 million other Jews from Long Island? Aren’t there ONLY Jews from Long Island? We get it, you’re “diverse” I understand, stop reminding me every time you do something that is stereotypical of a NY Jewish person, its so overdone and it’s so under hated.

...You speak to me your corporate voice, when we’re not at work. What’s even worse is that I don’t work with you, there’s no reason to confuse the inflection used in your voice with me since we never interact while your working. Has work seeped into the very essence of your being that you can no longer speak a normal conversation and only speak a normal hate.

...You interview me for a job, then when it comes time to discuss how much I make, you say wow, you are severely under paid, you must suck at what you do, thanks for playing our game. WTF. What does a man have to do? I can’t help it if I’ve been fucked over 1 too many times, why do you think I’m looking for a new job? Fucking logic here esse. And fucking hate here.