Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Hey, Hey, You, You, I really hate your girlfriend

...You and your douchebag buddy are blabbing on the subway about work, millions of dollars, banks in the caymans and your boss, Mike. Yes I understand you are in a suit so that automatically means you have to play international banker man while speaking at volumes so the entire train can hear. You’re important, I get that. It does seem a little odd that this Mike character isn’t riding the subway with you, I mean two sophisticated, educated and well off gentlemen as yourselves would never be taking a the subway home at 9PM, I know you would be taking the car service like your boss, unless that is of course you are full of shit, full of hot air and full of my hate.

...You say you are not hungry and tell me to order food without you, then when I order a delicious meal, you eat more of it than I do. Can we get this straight please, my food is for me, you can certainly try it, but when I get food, I’m not ordering the family size. Let’s also get this straight, the words, ‘I am not hungry, order food without me’ indicate to me, that you are in actuality, not hungry and I should therefore order only enough food for me and exactly what I would like to eat and exactly what I would like to hate.

...You remind me of your dietary restrictions every time you eat in my presence. Oh so you are allergic to peanuts, shell fish, almonds, green beans, pasta, air. Why even continue living? To make it worse, you are allergic to wheat glutin, this is apparently in every single type of food that exists on the planet. Why do I know this you ask? Because you never shut the fuck up about it. Ok, you’re allergic, that sucks, but don’t make it my problem, because if you do, you have made it my hate.

...You are guilty of awesome abuse. Is it really awesome when someone answers a basic question, like when can I expect to hear back from you? Is someone really ‘awesome’ because they can count to ten? Awesome should be reserved….wait scratch that, it should not be reserved it should simply just not be used; now THAT would be awesome and that is hated.

...You write online reviews on amazon, citysearch, itunes, etc. Can you think of anything more pointless than writing a review online, I mean taking the time to meticulously detail your experience with a particular product, restaurant or song and then think that people actually care and value your opinion even though you are unknown and are most likely a middle age man in the basement. I mean what could be worse than writing these ‘reviews’ at 2 in the morning? Perhaps reading these reviews at 3 in the morning? Perhaps blogging every detail about hating you?

...You are on a conference call and give your name every time you speak. Kathy here, what I think we need to do is gain some traction on gaining some efficiency for producing gains in the weight gain sector. Thanks for clarifying who you are Kathy, because you’re the only woman on the call and now you’re the only hated one on the call.

...You ask me during an interview where I see myself in 5 years. Where do I see myself? Um, how about in your job? Is there anyone that answers this question without some bullshit answer? Are there people out there that actually sit down, have a 5 year plan organized to the point of being specific enough to some job for which they are interviewing now? If you’re asking a bullshit question, expect a bullshit answer, it’s ridiculous that you would even seriously ask such a question: So tell me where do you see yourself in five year? How about hating you!

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