Wednesday, May 23, 2007

O’er the land of the free and the home of the hate

…You hire someone to work with me, that has the same last name as me. As if enough people don’t break my balls because I look young, now I’m going to have to hear shit about my last name? I may as well have been relegated to IT with Patel, Patel & Patel or to the quants with Chin, Chan, Chen and Chang or maybe to the blog with I Hate & You.

…You are Gupta & Co. that show up to a meeting with myself and finance to act as the “business analyst”. Here we go with the biggest bullshit career in the economy, next to a McKinsey consultant of course, even more bullshit than my career. The alleged ANALyst, shows up, there are 4 of them mind you, to help streamline a process, convert to IT lingo, then automatic. Ok, how come when I describe the already streamlined process, you manage to fuck it up and get it completely wrong, and the two mutes in the corner, we’ll call them Silent Bob and Teller, have nothing to say other than bobbling the heads to the tune of me hating you.

…You are a McKinsey consultant. Congratulations you narrowly beat out the waste of space business analysts. You come in, you find out what’s wrong, you tell people they run their business poorly, they are mismanaging their people, then when Lee Iacocca over here, asks ok, how do we fix it, you say, oh we don’t do that, I don’t know how you fix it. My entire life is pointing out people’s fault, you’re telling me you’ve made an industry out of this? I’ll save these companies some money, direct them all to my hate.

…You are wandering for 40 days and 40 nights throughout Yankee stadium, looking for your seats because you are borderline illiterate. People make finding a seat harder than cracking one of Columbo’s mysteries. Well Peter Faulk, there’s a section a row and a seat number, how ever will we find the seat? I mean with everything clearly marked, it’s extra complicated. Here’s an idea, with the new stadium, please, number the seats 1 through 55,782 in consecutive, sequential order. I’m really curious to see how some of these people are contributing to society when all I see them contributing to is my hate.

…You are at a Yankee/Red Sox game and holding a sign that says Red Sox Suck. Well Stephen Hawking, I know numbers are complex, but 10 games ahead, a suck it does not make. I’m all in favor of pointing out the many times Boston has succumbed to the fates of history, but until the Yankees are in a position to point and snicker, shut the fuck up or risk being hated.

…You are a seemingly normal middle age man out enjoying a baseball game, but when the opposing team goes to bat, you start screaming, you fucking suck, suck a cock, etc, etc. etc. What the? What just happened here, do you normally speak like this? I would also like to inform you that there is no chance in hell that batter heard a word that came out of your mouth, the only thing they understood was that I hate you.

…You are at a baseball game and piss in the sink. What is it about ballpark beer that turns people into wild savages. Yeah I was young once too, but the urge to relieve myself never took such a strong hold on me to resort to peeing in sink rather than wait the extra 14 seconds to pee in a urinal and the extra 10 seconds to hate you.

…You go to a baseball game when it’s about 70 degrees and sunny in the evening, you wear shorts and t-shirt, then when the sun goes down and it drops to 50, you’re sitting there shivering. You dumb shit, have you ever been outside before? I have to sit here, listening to you ramble on and on about how cold you are while I watch you drink and ice cold beer. The best part is, it is the geniuses like you that insist on reproducing, but the smart people in the world are not fertile. Just as old people revert back to children as they age, apparently a species can revert back to primitive as they get hate.

…You are the lady serving me a beer at a baseball game and you call baby 7 times then once I pay, you say, “oh thank you boo”. I’m you’re boo now? Well my girlfriend may be a little surprised by this, she may not be too happy with that. But I am a little curious how we went from complete stranger to exchanging close intimate pet names with each other. Was it when I showed you my ID or when I hated you?

…You are anyone that exists at Yankee stadium. That’s it I’m done with this place, I can’t go anymore. You have the same crap at every game, same singer of the national anthem, same retard yelling at everyone to take their hats off, same retard yelling at everyone to stand up on a 2 strike count, same assholes saying the other team sucks, same tool dancing in a straw hat to cotton eye joe, same retards booing A-rod one day, then cheering for him the next, same 1920’s phonograph recording of god bless America, same $9 beers, same people pissing in sinks and garbage cans, same 450 pound obese man trying to squeeze into a tiny stadium seat while eating 19 hotdogs at the same time, same douchebag spilling beer all over the person in front of him and same me hating all of you.

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