Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Times they are a hatin'

…You send an email to my work email account saying, my inbox has exceeded the storage capacity. You then immediately follow up with another email saying the exact same thing. You send the first one after 5PM on Friday, so that’s two on Friday, then 2 more on Saturday, then another 2 on Sunday. Then somehow, you know to send 2 more before I even get in on Monday morning. Now you have filled my inbox with 8 emails increasing the storage excess and increasing my hate.

….You yawn with mouth uncovered in public. Thank you for that up close and personal view of all your fillings and the remnants of your breakfast, I also had eggs this morning. Unlike you however, I brush, which may explain the rotten tooth look you are sporting. Is it that much effort to raise your hand up to your mouth and cover it? I know the effort involved is tremendous and those yawns really sneak up on you without any warning and then my hate sneaks up on you without warning.

…You are a grown adult using a backpack. Hiking? Okay, backpack will work, even to the beach or the gym or some other type of physical/outdoor activity, please feel free, use the backpack. Commuting to work? Hey buddy, you’re 45, it’s time to lose the pack. Maybe 30 years ago when you were in high school it was cool to carry around the backpack, but you wear a suit to work now, the double shoulder strap is no longer working for you. Let us not forget that in addition to looking foolish, you don’t seem to have a handle on the additional space taken up by your backpack. Example, you are on the subway, you enter the train and after stopping immediately in front of the door so no one else can get on the train, the doors shut and your backpack get’s caught in the door, after 5 minutes of the doors opening and shutting on your backpack, you realize this is being caused by you, as a reaction, you immediately turn, again not considering the additional 3 feet of width you now have, you knock 4 people over and then when turning to see what happened (because of the screams) you knock another 3 people over on the other side of you and then you are officially hated.

…You email me 1 minute before our 930 AM call to say, hey I’m tied up, I’ll call you in a little while. Oh really, I didn’t realize you were that important to make me wait the entire day for your highness to find the 5 minutes required to speak to me. You know, I don’t like this job any more than you do, so let’s get this over with. I don’t come to work everyday to sit around waiting for you to call, I come here to hate you.

…You are a part of the medical industry. So here’s how this scam works. You have an insurance company that says, hey use us because we can get you better rates with doctors because there are so many people in our pool. Employer, let’s call them, Mismanagement Inc., offers you, the employee, medical insurance because of said discounted rate. As more and more people join such insurance plans and the doctors are giving more and more discounted rates. It cuts into their profits, but since it is the rate that is discounted and not the actual cost, the doctors start to increase their fees. So now, just to visit a doctor, it costs $500 for about 3 minutes, the discounted price might be about $175, but for the poor sap on the street, it’s still 500 bucks. If that wasn’t bad enough, when you go to make an appointment, they book 7 other people at the same time, so now you’re 10AM appt. turned into an all day affair of waiting because when everyone else goes to see him they get 2 hours, but when I go to seem, I get 3 minutes and then he gets hate.

…You are the magazine supplier of doctor’s room magazines. There must be a rule that all magazines have to be at a minimum 7 months old, and that’s just the news. When you get to your home and gardens, golf digest, and highlights, you’re pushing a year. I’m thinking there is some second magazine dealer out there that just like the doctor’s services, are giving discounted rates to offices. I was reading about the Bush/Gore election in a December 2000 Rolling Stone, just last week and I was reading about hating you right here.

…You are my company and don’t provide me with a medical plan that allows me to go to any doctor and pay whatever I want up to a deductible. I will gladly pay $1000 a visit if I can show up for a 10AM appointment at 10 and be seen at 10 and then actually have a thorough check done on me, get my blood work there, get an X-ray there, if I need to see someone else, I want to get at least 3 names and have the doctor call for me and then have the doctor hate for me.

…You ask me if I saw the break up and I say no, did you? Then you say, I’m not sure. You’re not sure? Then why are you quoting it? It’s okay to admit it, I’ve seen (and enjoyed) some rather embarrassing titles in the past, have I mentioned Chasing Liberty? Need I say more? It’s classics like this that define a generation. I don’t know what that even means, but I do know what hates means and I think it’s you.

…You are in a waiting room and can’t keep your fat mouth shut for more than 2 minutes. It doesn’t matter who sits next to you, you insist on chattin it up with them, it’s as though you body can physically sit still for more than instant before your mouth opens and verbal diarrhea exits. So in the 7 hours I’ve been waiting here pretending to read Newsweek from February, I’ve learned that you had the same injury when you were 13, then in your 20’s and now again. I know you’re going to Italy in June for 2 weeks. I know your daughter even suffered the same injury as you. You used to play field hockey as a child. Summers in Rangoon, Luge lessons…oh wait…I know that you were lucky you found that cane in your basement otherwise you had no idea how you would have been able to haul your 300 pound ass to the doctor to get hated by me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I said I saw break up, but wasn't sure if I liked it!