Thursday, June 28, 2007

All for hate and hate for all

...You give Paris Hilton an hour long interview because she was released from jail. It’s unbelievable that the most notorious slut in the country gets an hour with Larry King. This is a legitimate show that interviews heads of states, politicians, artists, leaders of industry and the like, now you’ve stooped to the level of tiger beat magazine whereby you are dedicating a show to an ugly spoiled brat made famous for having sex. Leave the gossip to E! I’ll leave the news to you, and everyone can leave their hate to me.

...You email me something, then come into my office with it printed out. Stop making more excuses for you to come into my office to annoy me. I do not want to talk to you, I do not want to BS with you and I do not want to hear about how you did such a great job in helping someone fill out a form. Your job is 30 times less important than you think it is, you are 1000 times more annoying than you think you are and you a million times more hated than you were before.

...You see me in the bathroom after 6 PM and say to me, “still here?” No I’m not here. This is a figment of your fucking imagination, I’m a hologram. I spent millions developing this hologram so that I can be seen in the bathroom after business hours while in reality I left at 530. Do you that stream of pee that is not going into the urinal but instead all over you? Just a hologram, it’s not really there. If you can’t think of anything useful or witty to say, please don’t speak, just stand there and get hated.

...You insist on chopping my salad. Listen lady, I don’t like my salad chopped, me likes me salad tossed. Nothing quite hits the spot like a nice tossed salad. We’re talking about an actual salad here people. Under normal circumstances, sure I can do chopped, but this is no ordinary chop chop done, this is chop as though it was put through a blender so now it looks like you puked into a plastic container, charged me ten bucks and then got hated.

...You are standing in a line so close behind that if a slight breeze went by, we’d be intimate. I can feel your breath on my neck, not to mention that I can hear your breath because instead of breathing, you’re snoring and instead of waiting, I’m hating.

...You are asking yourself, well how could they be intimate if he’s wearing pants? They’re called chaps people and they’re all the rage. Get yourself a pair, then get yourself some hate.

...You are a so called professional and ask me what is a C.V. Are fucking kidding me? Let me guess, you make more money than me too. How did you even get this job in the first place and what’s worse is I actually explained this to you because the word google is just as foreign to you. The ineptitude that exists in corporations is baffling, completely baffling and completely hated.

...You step up the urinal and flip your tie over your shoulder. This tells me one of two things, either you have a penis just below your belly button or your tie is too fucking long. Guess which is correct and if your thinking it’s fashion, think again. Actually, it is you like a clown when one side of your JC Penny tie is hanging to your knee and the other side is a two inch nub. I wish people would take some pride in their presentation so then I wouldn’t have to take so much pride in my hate.

No comments: