Monday, June 11, 2007

The feel good hate of the year

...You say your kid is 19 months or 27 months old. Hey mommy, come back to the real world where people measure age in years, we don’t need exact numbers here. I also don’t really give a shit if your kid is 15 months or 30 months; to me, it’s a little over a year and a little over 2 years, or even better, one and two; or even better still, I didn’t ask I only hated.

...You over fill a little tiny cup with ice cream. I asked for a small, not a quart in a 2 ounce cup. One spoonful will do sir, but you aren’t having that. Now I have chocolate running down my arm. I go to get myself a couple of napkins and you hand me a 1 inch square cocktail napkin, only one. I try to get more and for whatever reason this is not included in the price of my melted ice cream so I have to settle for hating you.

...You send me an email, after I delegate work to you, to say, I will work on that. Yeah stop talking about working on that and just work on that. I don’t need the play by play, otherwise, I would have done it myself instead of hating you.

...You send me a link to pictures of your vacation, all 623 of them. Pictures of exotic locations or fun vacations are nice to see, say 10 of them, you’re entire photo collection of you sitting on a beach and stuffing your face, not so much. God bless the digital camera where you can take as many pointless pictures as you please, throw them up online and invite all your friends to come waste an hour of their life to be utterly bored and you to be completely hated.

...You are the little fat kid from the TV show two and half men. Okay buddy, I’ve seen you in the hood three times now and all three times you were eating cold stone ice cream. A word to the wise, cut back on the sweets, it may be cute to be a 13 year old fat kid now, but unless you plan on pulling a Vern, this is the best it’s ever gonna get and you’ll be left with is hate.

...You are the little kid that rides his razor scooter outside the dirty movie store on 14th street. I can't walk by here without this little punk 4 yr old kid cutting right in front of me so I trip. We're not going to discuss why a 4 yr old kid is outside a dirty video store, or why I happen to even be walking by there on a daily basis, what we are going to discuss is why I hate.

...You walk up to pretty girls in bookstores to hit them by commenting on the book at which they are looking. This is like asking to buy a girl a drink at the bar, I mean what kind of girl really wants to get picked up at a bookstore. I always heard of people actually doing this at bookstores, supermarkets and church, but I never tought there would be a day to witness this, not just once either but three times in a 15 minute span. A word to the wise, the girls are not drunk, so you're still creepy, the lights are not dim, so you're still ugly and I'm there to see, so you're still hated.

...You are wake up service and have a live person call, giving you the snooze option, at which point the same person calls back 10 minutes later and gives you another snooze option, this goes on for an hour and a half. If I wanted to have a conversation the moment I wake up, there are plenty of other people willing to take on the job, but I’m traveling, I want a simple call that says, wake up service for snooze press one, instead I get, Mr. Morning sharing his pleasure with waking up at 3AM and then I give Mr. Hate to you.

1 comment:

ALISHA JOY said...

I was entertained . . . Loved the one where you talked about sending the whole photo album via email. That totally irritaties me too!