Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Hate works in mysterious ways

...You are the programmer for the dentist office radio station. How is it that in every dentist office, in every part of the country, no matter the year, is always playing the same music? Either pop music is so homogenous that it hasn’t changed in the 30 years I’ve been alive or something is seriously awry. I’m not quite sure how Kelly Clarkson has been playing for the past 10 years, but I know she has been, and Under the bridge without fail, plays every single time I have ever been to a dentist, that dates back to even before the band was formed and way before the hate was formed.

...You are still “sampling” 80’s music for your hip-hop song. A message to all hip-hop artists, PLEASE try to make something original for once, and PLEASE trying playing an actual instrument. I get the whole sampling thing, but you’re not even sampling and haven’t been in over a decade. If I know the exact original song, it’s no longer a sample, its that same fucking song and its this same fucking hate.

...You are sad guy. Oh poor me, feel sorry for me, my life is sooooo hard. My girlfriend dumped me, I hate my job, I’m fat, I’m losing my hair, my feet hurt, my rent went up, boo fucking hoo. Listen guy, you’re girlfriend dumped you 2 years ago, you hate work, not your job, you eat cheetos for breakfast, you shave your head, need I say more? Need I hate more?

...You talk about someone’s ex-girlfriend when they break up failing to allow for the 1 week window of them getting back together. People break up all the time, then two days later their back, except during that two days some of the nastiest, evil things were said by friends to support the breaker and the breakee, but they’re out there, no one can take them back and now you have to live with that on your shoulders for as long as that relationship lasts. There will be awkward moments, uncomfortable dinners, and a lot of hate.

...You are sitting the office with your lights off. Listen I know things are looking pretty grim, it’ll pick up for you I’m sure, but everytime you sit there with your lights off, your boss comes to me to ask what the hell is wrong with you and how can she fire you. I’ve only got so many excuses in my book for why you’re a tool, I’d really like it if you made things easier for me. Fat, Bald and Stupid is no way to ahead at this company, and yes, those are THE most important criteria in your evaluation and right now, the only thing working in your favor is hate.

...You are the IT helpdesk at any company and when giving advice you tell someone to reboot, restart or control, alt delete, after that, you have nothing else to offer then send me to some call center in India. What’s the point of your existence? I can’t believe companies drop 100k a year for you to tell everyone what they already know, reboot, restart or control, alt, delete. I think that’s the sole training you receive and the only qualification to get this job to be able to utter those words just like the only qualification to do my job is to utter the words I hate you.

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