Friday, July 20, 2007

Bend it like Hate

...You are going for a bike ride and decide you need to dress yourself in full on tour de France attire. I know how important it is to shave off 3 seconds from your time riding alongside the Hudson. This is intense competition, I know. I mean I’m riding in flip flops and moving faster than you, so thank god you are in spandex and a faux yellow jersey. The ram horn handle bars and the aerodynamic alien helmet are nice touch as well, now you really look like a professional. With all that the gear, the only thing I’ve can tell is that you make too much money and you make too much hate.

...You are out for a run and are wearing paper thin short shorts that reveal your balls with every stride. I didn’t know Carl Lewis came out of retirement, I mean that has to be the only reason you are wearing those clothes. Face it, you are an amateur, I am passing by you and that doesn’t say much. I can only hope those are relics from actual competitions, but even so, you have no business wearing them on an afternoon jog. This is not a road race, it’s not even a road, it’s only a hate.

...You head out to the courts to shoot some hoop and come decked out in your latest Lebron sneakers, full on San Antonio Spurs uniform, head band, wrist bands and even the nylon stockings a la Allen Iverson. You then go to take a lay up and miss, everyone figures this is a fluke, but then you proceed to hog the ball for 3 hours straight not making one shot and only making hate.

...You are playing a pick up roller hockey game and flip out when someone isn’t showing enough effort. You should be lucky enough to have found 9 other fat middle age men that think they’re 20 to play with you. Isn’t hockey supposed to be a tough workout? Give the beast a chance, he’s 50 lbs overweight, he needs a breather for a smoke and a big mac, then he get right back to hitting a ball into a garbage can and I can get right back to hating you.

...You are playing on your company’s softball team and don’t seem to quite understand the term recreational. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the minor leagues are not calling, you’ll never get a shot at the show, sorry to tell you. If the hot chick from the office is playing in the outfield, she can miss every single ball as long as its not yours. No one is looking for Derek Jeter out there to give the two out sign to the field, we get it, actually we don’t care, just pass another Bud heavy and I’ll pass you some hate.

...You are in the park showing off your "mad" soccer skills. Wow, look at that, that euro trash guy is showing off with some sort of fancy looking basketball. You get it? No one gives a shit that you can bounce a ball with your foot; most people don’t even know how to spell soccer. The only thing you’re doing is annoying anyone in any sort of distance within your reach, because we all have to keep an eye on you, not because of your skills, but to make sure we don’t get hit with the ball and to ensure we can hate proper.

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