Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Crouching Tiger Hidden Hate

...You have what appears to be taps in your shoes and just tap tap tap your way around the office. Damn what is that infernal racket? It is driving me insane. A tap to the left, a tap to the right, up the hallway, down the hallway, please remove those shoes immediately. I go home at night and try to fall asleep and what do I hear? Tap tap tap tap tap tap, then I wake up and I hate hate hate hate hate.

...You ask me to send you something again in email after I have already sent it to you. I don’t care if it was 3 years ago, why don’t you have it still? Why are you deleting emails? Oh I know why, because you think that actually deletes them, cute kid. Oh you also print out every single email and keep it in an archive of the binder variety? Great use of resources, great use of your time, great use of paper and a great use for hate.

...You send me an email saying “you’re welcome”. Well for that, I take back my sincere thank you and will replace that with my sarcastic thank you. Thank you for replying to my email with absolutely no substance or purpose. Thank you for wasting 11.3 seconds of my life which included opening an email, determining the pointlessness and hating you.

...You say you live on the upper west side, then say your apartment is on 109th street. Upper West Side? That’s fucking Harlem and you know it. I don’t care how close it is to Columbia, it doesn’t make you bohemian, it may make you a little dangerous, but it most certainly makes you hated.

...You quit your job and then send a farewell to the entire company or department. Are you sure this wasn’t a forced resignation? If you can’t tell when it’s appropriate to send an email to the entire company or not, well maybe it IS time for you to move on. Not to mention I have to read how it fills you with great sadness and much regret to leave for a better opportunity. Are you really that sad about it? Maybe you should have thought twice about the interviewing process and the whole getting hated process.

...You have a boat, and every weekend you go out on that boat, you laugh and laugh and have a grand ‘ol time. You then return home Sunday night and tell your roommate what a wonderful time you had on that boat, how it was so sunny, the water was perfect, the beer flowed like wine…the weekend the same, the next weekend – the same, all the while never extending the invite to the poor roommate so I’m having to extend the hate.

...You are a coworker and feel the need to detail your personal sex life, or lack thereof, to me on a regular basis. This goes beyond TMI (to much information) this extends to out right repulsive. I vomit at the notion of you involved in any sort of sexual relations, the mere thought of it makes me want to run and join a monastery for a life of celibacy so I never have to envision the thought of you having sex and me hating.

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