Thursday, July 12, 2007

How to succeed in hate without really trying

...You call me from the waiting room at a doctor’s office while I’m reading a magazine to wait in the doctor’s office for another 20 minutes. Lady, you’ve become my arch nemesis, I’m trying to read up on whether or not Tomkat is having another kid, this is important business here. The stuff that matters in life is looking at pictures of semi famous women’s stomachs to see if there is any kind of bulge, then I can go write articles and have television shows where we all try to determine if she’s pregnant, fat or just simply hated.

...You tell someone, hey you look different. So what, I either got fat, shaved my head or had some kind of terrible accident that mangled my face, thanks for pointing that out. I know I look different, I don’t need to be reminded in some snide tone from someone that naturally looks as though she had some terrible accident that mangled her face and turned into my hate.

...You are a bum that lies beneath a pile of garbage bags, that uses the same plastic as a bed sheet and then leaves his hand sticking out from under the pile. So I’m not sure if someone was murdered and thrown in the trash, someone’s hand was sliced off or what’s going on. All I know is that really freaks me out every time I walk by you and every time your hand is in the trash and in my hate.

...You are a bum that whistles at the pretty girls. Whistling at the girls in general is pretty pointless, but when you do it, it goes beyond creepy. The man with 2 different shoes, 1 tooth that smells like 3 week old sushi thinks he has a chance with this chick? I must be in bizarro New York because I just don’t see the logic here. I mean sure, you stare, you can gape, you make some sort of creepy growl that only a predator could, but whistling? That’s saying hey hot lady, look at me, then she looks, she sees the grotesqueness and then hates you.

...You make comments on the elevator such as, she was so hot, but so young, I should be arrested. Um, perhaps you didn’t notice, but I don’t know you. How do you know I’m not affiliated with Chris Hansen from Dateline? There’s a couple of things you don’t joke about, and this is certainly one of those things. There are laws in place because of people like you and hate in place because of people like you.

...You give a long laborious thank you to god on your acceptance speech for an award. Yes we get it, you’re religious, you pray and that is exactly why god gave you and only you the strength to win, as opposed to all the other people in the running that also prayed. What was it about you’re prayer that was so convincing? Perhaps someone is feeling sorry for you for being so hated.

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