Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Still hating after all these years

...You refer to your blackberry, as your crackberry. You’re a regular Jerry Seinfeld aren’t you? Where do you find the time to sleep, I mean staying up all hours of the night to write such material. If you are going to be saying such clichéd overused garble, you’re better off not speaking at all. In fact, you must raise your hand to speak from now on and raise your hand to be hated.

...You are any one of the 7 people walking horizontally on the sidewalk, thereby encompassing the entire sidewalk, east to west. Holy shit, the coup de grace of hate, 7 people standing next to each other, shoulder to shoulder, barreling down the sidewalk, not moving for any of the oncoming traffic, periodically slowing to a crawl to thoroughly enrage the people behind. This, my haters, is it, this is my thesis, the source of all that is hated, you.

...You tell me you are going to miss my 30th birthday. Yeah don’t worry, you can come to my next 30th birthday party, no problem. So for the past two years while I’ve been going to everyone else’s parties, putting up their bullshit to create grassroots support for my own, when it comes time to pay the piper, you’re suddenly too important to make a little time for dear ol me, and dear ol hate.

...You ask me what it feels like to be 30. Well seeing as you’re 32, why don’t you tell me what it feels like to be 30, I really wouldn’t know seeing as this is day 1. apparently everyone else on the planet gets a visit from the aging ferry, because one year to the next doesn’t make me feel any different, it only makes me feel hate for you.

...You speak “urban” when around minority friends and speak proper around white people. I be talkin bout chu Alicia Keyes, I know you moms be white, you was excepted to Columbia. You’re an educated individual, please do us all the favor and act like it outside of your Today show appearances and outside of my hate.

...You have flowers or pink background set to your work email. Nothing screams professionalism with a flower arrangement as the background for all your emails. Not to mention when I hit reply, I’m now stuck with pink flowers for my background and for whatever reason, what’s with the automatic triple spacing between lines, who types like this? You must be legally blind because no one needs to have automatic font of 72 with triple spacing, but you definitely need some hate.

...You come into my office first thing in the morning after I’ve been out for a week and sit down to discuss work. Listen guy, I’ve been for a week, I’m supposed to come into the office, drink my coffee and read on the internet all morning, well actually that’s every morning, but still you see the picture here? I have zero desire to be in work right now, zero desire to look at you right now and zero desire to not hate you right now.

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