Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Cum on feel the hate

...You are in line at Starbucks with your best girlfriend and you are chatting it up each speaking for 20 minutes straight without pause, so that when it is your turn to order, you do not hear the barrista, you ignore to the point that the barrista is getting angered, you actually have angered the most cheerful people on the planet other than the hypnotized Disney workers, yet you still ignore. You ignore them to the point that I am so angry because you are disrupting the flow of the all these other patrons waiting properly in line just to hate you.

...You see that I’ve managed to leave wet wipe wrappers sprinkled throughout the men’s room to give you a hint of their existence. I’m not going to come right out and say it, but I am going to leave them lying around, I’ll talk about them at lunch, I’ll send emails to the department mentioning that they’re on sale and include a list of locations that might sell said wet wipes. Personal hygiene is an important issue for me, your ass not smelling is important to me and hating you is important to me.

...You are attending the weekly birthday celebration in the office and when the cake is cut, you say, oh I’ll only have a sliver. There are so many issues going on here, I don’t know where to begin. First, the birthday celebrations have gotten a little excessive, but okay, I can deal. Second, you don’t need any cake, a sliver or a wedge, so please do us all that favor and not eat a thing. Finally, you make that poor person cutting the cake fulfill some special request of cutting you a tiny piece of cake, then after you inhale it in 2.2 seconds, you ask for another sliver, 2.2 seconds later, you’re on to a third, then fourth sliver, before you know it, you’re licking other people’s forks asking for your seventh sliver and then I have to give you a hate.

...You are salary.com and run an online survey studying the amount of time people waste at work. So your survey results said that 6 of 10 workers admit to wasting time on the internet and feel they are underpaid. Hmmmm. We are brainiacs aren’t we? The only people responding to an online survey about wasting time are people that are actually online wasting time, think about it. The only margin for error is the small percentage of people online hating you.

...You have a bumper sticker that says, I’d rather be…insert stupid comment. So you’d rather be at the beach than sitting in traffic? Really? That surprises me because I thought that people enjoy wasting hours on end in pointless traffic or perhaps I have you confused with the I’d rather be hunting people, or the I’d rather be golfing people, because surely those are less entertaining than traffic, but not as entertaining as hating you.

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