Thursday, August 16, 2007

Everybody's hatin for the weekend

...You have a sticker in your back window displaying the college you or a child attend. As your child flunks out of schools the stickers add up, so now you have a window cluttered with stickers of shitty schools that no one has ever heard of, and that no one in their right mind would want to brag about. You’re kid goes to an Ivy league school, ok I can see that. The school won the NCAA, please by all means. But you two community colleges and something that starts with Staten Island and ends in hate.

...You contact me to provide you with consulting advice, I promptly prepare some information for you within 4 or 5 hours, I respond to you that same day trying to discuss this with you, you then disappear for a month. You then call one random morning asking me to meet with you in an hour. Oh look who it is, someone now needs my help and here they are calling me at the last hour, suuuuurrrre I’ll drop everything else I’m doing because you called about something I tried to help you with over a month ago. You know what, I have absolutely nothing else to do in this world than sit around waiting for you. During this whole month, I did nothing, I just waited around on standby hating you.

...You don’t view word documents in “print layout” form. I don’t know why, but I just hate you.

...You are Bloomingdales. You send my monthly statements/bills to an old address, then when I get them after the due date, promptly pay the bill and explain the situation you charge me a late fee, without telling me, then you charge me a late fee on the late fee, without telling me, then you charge me interest and another late fee on the previous late fees. When I finally negotiate a $20 payment to settle everything, I go to submit my payment online after which I write an email stating that upon receipt of my payment I would like my account closed, explaining why. Two hours later, I receive email confirmation that my online bill paying account has been cancelled effectively immediately. WHAT THE FUCK! And what the hate.

...You prescribe a drug to me that says “may cause death”. That kind of defeats the whole purpose of taking medication right? Or are there people trying to get well out there that say to themselves, you know what, I’d rather just stick to death over fixing my knee. I thought medical advancement had been a little further along than this, you’re choices are live with the pain or die…hmmm, can we add a third option? How about hate?

...You say you like someone’s outfit and then ask who makes it, when you find out it’s not some designer label so you respond by saying, oh, well I guess it’s okay then. So first you think it’s great, then suddenly because it doesn’t contain a certain name you think it’s shit? Perhaps I can interest you in something in a dark plastic look, kind of a poncho look this year, here you see there is a big opening at the bottom, and holes for your head and arms, yeah kind of like a garbage bag rain poncho, except this year instead of Hefty, it was designed by Marc Jacobs, so it’s now $900, it’s all the rage and it’s all the hate.

...You walk need to use the restroom during that long time span of an hour and a half of a movie and when getting up you place both hands on the seat in front of you and push down as you begin to rise from your seat. I hope you’re wearing coke bottle glasses and are just to blind to see that someone is actually sitting in this seat trying to enjoy a stupid movie. Since you are not old and senile, I’m going to follow you home and while you are tying to sleep, I’m going to come in and jump on your bed, then I’m going to follow you to work and while you are trying to concentrate, I’m going to spin your chair around and then I’m going to hate you.

No comments: