Thursday, September 06, 2007

The hate that Ruth built

...You are an innocent bystander in the stands at a sporting event when you see people wandering aimlessly trying to find their seats and decide to help them. I didn’t realize that the stadium has now appointed a concierge for each section, why don’t you mind your own damn business. You seem to not realize that amidst the boring sport of baseball, there is a little bit of side entertainment, namely the three fat ladies that have tried to sit in every single seat except their actual seats until you came along and got hated.

...You at a sporting event where you are routing for the visiting team while sitting among fans of the home team and feel the need to obnoxiously cheer and applaud by yourself when your team scores. Well look at what we have here, this guy wants to let everyone know that he’s a fan of the other team. Not only does he want to let us know, but he insists upon making all this noise when his team scores so that everyone around him wants to fight him but has to settle for hating him.

...You propose marriage on the jumbotron. Wow, now that is an original idea, where did you come up with that one? Not only is it unique, but it’s classy too. In my 30 years on this earth, I’ve heard so many women say how much they have always wanted their proposal to be announced on a giant screen at a sporting event and then have their ring hidden in a hot dog. I know that trailer will be a rockin tonight and I know I’ll be hatin you now.

...You show up to baseball game wearing a classic polo shirt with a sweater over your shoulders. Really? Wow, this is straight out of pretty in pink, I can’t believe I’m sitting next to Blaine. I’m thinking that you’re a little confused as to what type of sporting event you’re attending, let’s clear the air, there is no actual polo match here, no horsies, just a bunch of white trash, wearing lots of man jewelry, drinking lots of beer, all for the hate of you.

...You aggressively clap your hands at a sporting event as if this will somehow inspire your team to score. There’s certainly applause, that’s your reward for doing something good, but then there’s APPLAUSE which is found when your team has 2 strikes on the opponent with 2 outs or when there’s 15 seconds left in 3 point game or when your team has just gotten an interception. It’s the point at which you’re doing all you can to help the home team along, the ferocious hand clap will certainly intimidate any opposing team and will certainly win you the title of most hated of the day.

...You are doing anything to get the attention of the jumbotron at a sporting event. You’re the person that goes out of your way to be seen on the jumbotron, the older guy dancing between every inning or time out, the guy that brings that clever sign using the letters from a TV station or the person wearing that crazy hat. That’s just some good ‘ol fashion fun and some good ‘ol fashion hate.


Jessica said...

I hate you if you got tickets to the US open through your employer and chose to go just to go when you are not really into tennis. You sit in the stands and talk about work and get hated by everyone.

Doofi said...

I hate you if you go to the US Open once a year and feel that this makes you a resident expert on tennis. You know two people in tennis, Andre Agassi and the latest Russian hot girl on the woman's circuit, currently Maria shararararasharararpova. Having a large income and douchebag attitude do not exempt you from normal conversation and they certainly do not exempt you from my hate.